This is just an outlet for me, to be able to get my thoughts out! I am a Woman, Wife and Mommy that also works outside the home! Just me trying to make it all work for the best for my family and myself! Just my journey!

Thursday, November 19, 2009


my heart just aches
my mind hurts
and I don't know what to do
I pray and I pray
God's answer is just wait
My heart aches more
my mind just gives "away"
and I honestly don't know what to do
I pray and I pray
God's answer "I told you just wait"
God's answer to my heart is "I have this, you really just need to wait, there will be no audible answer to your mind or your heart, you will just have to trust ME"
so I trust in Him! My heart and mind will trust in Him!
Both of us and us "one in the same" will wait and trust and know what He is doing is right, for everyone involved!
Honestly, my heart trusts and my heart continually talks to my head! My mind and my heart pray together, understanding, that each contradict one another and also that each, confirm, one another and also that "they" are on the "same path"!!
So many things can mean so differently and mean so the same!
The difference is hearing from the Holy Spirit!


Sunday, November 15, 2009

maybe tomorrow!

I sat down to write a post about our weekend getaway!
After being called for "mom" at least 12 times or more!
A husband shouting at the TV, I usually tolerate his yelling when I am watching with him, this time it annoyed me!
Then the flipping of the channels on the TV (yes we have one computer in an open family room, so no one is "alone" on the computer)!
Then the silly dog "farted" behind me and he totally stinks! Really really bad! Whew!
Then another kid with a "coughing" issue!
Now, I have to pee!
Maybe tomorrow, during the day, I can post about our weekend getaway!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Heart and Head Don't Always Agree

As I say goodbye to a man who was a HUGE part of my life, my head knows "I did right" my heart isn't quite as sure!
It makes my heart hurt and my head spin! Got alot of praying and a bit of figuring and a ton of deciphering in my future!
One thing my head and my heart agree on right now is that, I was honestly loved by him and I honestly loved him back! Another thing my heart and head agree on is the love for the family and friends I have gained and loved because of Phil! I will always be thankful for my time with him and for the love and compassion he has always shown me! For the "push-past-itness" he trained me in!
Thank you Phil for the life lessons you have taught me and continue too!
I love you and will miss you!
My friend, my mentor, my Step-dad!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

He's Off By Himself

I sent Adam to meet family in DC! He flew on a plane all by himself! We were able to drop him off right at the gate and Uncle Tony was at the gate in DC waiting for him, so he wasn't really alone, except on his flight.

I was concerned, not that the family I was sending him to wouldn't take good care of him, I was just concerned that he was leaving me all by himself. He did it. He went and everything went well. I hear he was very well behaved and thoroughly enjoyed himself!

He saw so many of the sights, he was able to enjoy his cousins and his Aunt and Uncle without Mom and Dad "hanging" over his shoulder. He was able to trick-or-treat with his cousins, wearing his Uncle's Air Force Uniform, how cool is that!

He was only gone for a few days and they packed as much as they could into that time. The day I picked him up from the airport, I don't know if he was smiling bigger, because of his experience or if I was! I was so blessed by him being able to go and the respect and maturity he showed why he was away. I wasn't sure how well he would do, that far away from home. He is also, very comfortable with his Aunt and Uncle, so I was concerned it would cause him to relax and not be on his best behavior! Boy, was I wrong (or someone is lying to me)!! Turns out he was able to surpass what expectations I had for him and in turn I was blessed! I love it!

I think part of the key to keeping him happy was feeding him often!!

Pretty neat experience for all of us, we all learned something new about ourselves and each other.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Letter to the Tooth Fairy!

WOW! All I can say is at least he said Thank You!!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I'm A Mess!!

I am such a mess!! I am at work, it is "my Friday" and we are actually slow today! I pray my night continues on like it has!
Having a lil time I have been catching up on blog reading and now, I am a crying weepy mess! Not exactly how one should look when working with locomotives and all men! Uh-oh, I shouldn't have read them, but I did and I think it is a good idea to share some of them
Mimi had me thinking
Beth was blessed by KMart and I was too, just by watching it!
CE talked about the day she gave birth to her precious Miss E
and now, I am what you would call a sloppy mess! Crying weepy, blessed, mess!

Now, add to that:
Yesterday, I went to school and cleaned out my Adam's locker with him in the morning to find "missing homework assignments" ugh! I so thought we were done with this! His locker wasn't nearly the mess it had been before and we did get it organized! To my surprise he did bring home his Math book and was doing the missing assignments when I left for work! I think he is getting it! Adam really is a good kid and turning into a nice young man, on his way to being a gentleman! I love it!

Did I say I was a mess? Crying weepy, blessed, mess! I am!

Last night, I stopped at a gathering of High School friends and I didn't get there until midnight and there were still so many there! I was hugged and complimented and loved on by friends I haven't seen in 20 years! I even got to see some friends that are always close to me! That was amazing and so awesome, I could never have orchestrated that, I know where it came from! I really did not enjoy getting "kicked" out of a bar at 2am, but it was sooo worth it!

yep, I am a mess! Crying weepy, blessed, mess!

At the gathering I was told stories of my sister I have never heard and some I have heard, but hearing stories, good stories of my sister never, NEVER gets old! I loved it!

A MESS!!!!!

Larry didn't go with me, but he got up to talk with me when I got home, how sweet is that?! So kind! He shared a dream he had been having about a friend of ours that passed away in 2008 and we shed a couple of tears together, it was a quiet moment of reflection!

A complete mess!

Oh yea and I am at work, with all men, on the railroad! Who said, "there's no crying on the railroad"? There is now!!

So strange how all these beautiful blessings always make me a complete mess!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Way I See It:

I have been doing alot of thinking, crying, laughing, celebrating and being a lil sad. October is always a difficult time for me. We are taught to celebrate anniversaries and by celebrating the good anniversaries, we also remember the one's that are not so good!

Yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised on my Facebook page to find so many people feeling as I did. It was validation, I am not crazy and yes it still hurts! As I was reading through the comments, posts, prayers and kind words, all I kept thinking is "how did I get through it?"

The poem Footprints.

The day my sister passed, I stopped believing in God, saying to myself "if there was a God, my God, wouldn't have done this to me!" So, easy enough, there wasn't a heaven or hell or God! Now, that I look back on that time, I am constantly reminded of that poem Footprints. But, when I picture myself being carried by the Father, I didn't believe in, I see so many people behind and on the sides of and in front of us! All these people, were the ones who carried my faith, for me during this time. They were the ones who continued to believe, pray and speak kindness and life into me! Maybe it is strange to you, but not to me. It makes perfect sense, because I still talk and hear from people that tell me they have never stopped praying for myself and my family, that's how I know. I wouldn't have ever come to the place of understanding as I have now, if it weren't for those that didn't give up, who at times were "carrying me" with their faith.

I am once again overwhelmed and the love and support God continues to send and the kindness in people, it is absolutely AMAZING!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I have Pet Peeves...

I am going to write about many of my pet peeves, just because it is what is on my mind! Tomorrow, I'll be over it and have moved on. Tomorrow, I will be back to my "positive self"! Tomorrow I'll write about how much I love my children and my husband, how blessed I am! Today, I write about my pet-peeves!

I buy toilet paper (Scott's) every time I hit the store! I do not want to run out and have yet to! My family makes fun of me, but they have never had to wipe their behinds with a napkin or paper towel, unless that has happened at someone Else's house! So tell me, why is it that I am the only one who can put a roll on the roller? Why do I find two rolls on the sink or on the back of the toilet, both started? What is so hard about sliding it on the roll?

I open my pantry to find empty
Pop-Tart boxes almost daily! Really, you couldn't throw that in the garbage? You couldn't take that out, when you took the last Pop-Tart, and throw it away? amazing!

Let me talk about cereal boxes! Why can't you close the cereal box? Honestly, it takes two seconds to roll down the wrapper and fold the flaps over! Oh yea, when the box is
empty...... it goes in the garbage too, just like the
Pop-Tart box! PLEASE!

The wrappers, the wrappers from whatever you have opened, please walk them to the garbage and throw it in! Don't leave it on the counter, table, floor or on the couch for Mom to pick up! URgggghh!

Milk, finish 1 gallon of milk before you start the new gallon! Chances are I have opened the one with the closest date and that needs to be finished first! C'mon.

Shoes and jackets..........
OH YEA.... BACKPACKS, y'know the one's you scramble around in the morning looking for (they have a place, but never make it there) and for some reason, the first place you look is where it belongs!
They do NOT go on the floor right behind the front door. This makes it extremely difficult to open the front door and when I finally, get home from work I trip over them! Please please please, put them in the closet
right next to the front door! It's right there!

So, instead of asking hollering "MOM, where's my????" I don't know, if you don't put it in it's place! I am not the KEEPER OF THE STUFF!

When you come home and find that 'someone' has done
laundry and you have a pile of neatly
folded clothes and a few on hangers, PUT THEM AWAY!!! Don't carry them up

put them on your bed, don't leave them in the basket and DO NOT cram them in your closet on the floor!

MY CAR!!! Take your wrappers and crap, yes CRAP, out of my car. You carried it to the car, which means you have the ability to take it from the car!

I know none of these "stupid" lil things make a big difference in the grand-scheme of life, that's why they are pet-peeves!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


On Sunday, Larbo and I headed out for a Poker Run, in Memory of our friend Ron Moser. He fell at work and left behind an amazing and beautiful wife and 2 beautiful children! When I see them I am overjoyed, at how well they are all doing and then I find myself wondering, are they really ok or are they just muddlin through it!
Larry and I didn't ride, we went to the registration together, where we were supposed to help, but instead we stood around chatting with friends and taking pics of the event. I was so blessed by it all, the help, the love and the joy that was seen that day!
After the riders all left, Larbo and I headed to breakfast and then to the place where the event ended! We checked out the bar where it ended and helped the others there set-up for the riders to come in. Just whatever was needed and then we sat patiently and watched the race until riders began to arrive! As they pulled in on their bikes, there were smiles to be seen on every ones face! What an honor for Ron!
It was time for Larry and I to leave, but I still had to write out a check. We got in the truck and I began to write out the check, the date was 10-4! A few of you know the story, but 10-4 is a special date for me! I was already weepy and when I wrote the date, I said it out loud and Larbo looked at me and he just understood, my eyes filled with tears of joy, 10-4 was now going to be a special day for my friend! I knew she was going to be ok, not without help, support and lots of love from friends and family, but with all of that my friend Wanda and her kids were going to be ok!My questioning if she was just muddlin' through it was answered! Sometimes yes and sometimes no, but it became very clear to me that Wanda and her children were going to be just fine! Not without the help of friends and family, but with all of us, not only would this young amazing woman succeed, but she is going to be alright!
Funny note, I didn't see what she was doing when I took this pic and I told her to sit still and I took another one, turns out I like this pic best!
10-4 Everything is ok, I got it and I completely understand! I love how God speaks to me right where I am! Thanks God, you know exactly what I need all the time, every day!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

It is Not For Me to Understand

As Larry and I plan for tomorrow and plan for our future, my heart constantly breaks for my friend who has lost her husband! It is not mine to understand, as much as I want to, it is mine to help and give where I can. I pray constantly for her and her two children! Ron was a great man, husband and father! A neat young man, who, in my opinion, is just gone too fast (this is where I try to understand that it isn't mine to understand)! A one of a kind Ron! Ronnie would stop and check in on Larbo and I from time-to-time, he would call and make sure that we as friends were able to get together and enjoy each others families! It sucks, it soooooo sucks that he is gone! Neat part of Ronnie's life was watching him as a husband to his "high school sweetheart" and then to get to see him as a dad! Absolutely amazing!
Tomorrow we get to go and celebrate his life with his wife Wanda and other friends and family, some we have met and some we have the honor of meeting tomorrow! I am looking forward to the "stories of Ron" I will hear tomorrow!
Truth of it all though, my heart never stops hurting for his passing and for his family and friends that desperately miss him! I honestly believe that I'll wake up and find it is all a bad dream! I know the grieving process and I understand it, what I don't understand is why it was "his time"! This is the moment I understand that it isn't mine to understand or make sense of! It is mine to love, pray and give!
I pray often for understanding, even though I know it isn't mine! When I dream, even though I hate it, I can see Ron and I can see him giving of himself to all of us the way he did, my heart believes I am going to wake up and get a call from Ron, my mind knows different!
I am thankful, very very thankful for the Ronnie in my life! The way he taught me to be a better friend! I honestly, believe that the way we carry some one's good legacy is to show it in their families life, to make sure, absolutely certain, they are as well cared for as if Ron was still alive and taking care of Wanda and his children himself!
So tomorrow, Larry and I will go celebrate Ron's life and legacy with his family and friends and whoever else will join us!
I know I am a better person because of Ron! I pray that his legacy lives on through his wife and children, just as he wanted!
It doesn't make sense and I don't understand it, but it is not mine to understand!
The hardest parts in life are the parts we don't understand!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Kids----Growing Up

Got to spend the weekend with my cousin Shane and her family! It was a fantastic time. As our children get older they are more able to solve their own issues and rely on us parents less and less, it makes it so we can visit with one another and not "referee" so much! Not that they were ever bad kids or constantly fighting, but they were and are typical children growing up and learning their way!
It was a neat time, watching Kylie, freshman and Adam, 8th grade, show their maturity and their ability to solve problems and also to watch them just play! They played outside alot this weekend! Windy and Nathan are also growing up, but these two have such a different personality than the "first borns"! Windy and Nathan seem to be very laid back in their approach of spending time together! The four of them played alot of football outside and Mitch joined them from time to time, but he isn't quite ready for the preteen and teenagers yet! Mitch was just fine with finding the computer completely available for him and Ava did alot of entertaining the adults and she is very good at it! Ava is a doll an absolute doll!
We were able to go watch Leo play soccer and apparently it was the game he, finally, got into soccer! He looked like a wild-man out there playing soccer! Trying to get his lil foot on the ball and running and running, it was so neat to watch!
Jordan is our 17 year old, getting ready to graduate! She is a woman, it is hard for me to see that, when I look at her I still see Baby J!
This weekend left me in amazement of these children we have raised! Right now, I say "wow, we didn't do too bad"! Ask me next week or even tomorrow and I may say something completely different! So neat to have seen them go from babies to almost grown! We still have a long way to go with all of them!

Thursday, September 24, 2009


I listened, at the gym today and last week, as two completely different women talked other women out of taking a class!
Oh my frustration!
The new women ask "so how and what is this class?"
The women who have been taking this class always answer "hard it's hard"
My frustration level boils.
I enjoy exercise in any way! I love group fitness for its social aspect and I love single fitness for the alone time I get with me! I learned this way back when there was the 20 minute workout on TV at 5am! I used to get up and do it and there were even times when it came on in the afternoon that I would do it at my dad's shop and he would join me! Yes at my chubbiest, right now, I enjoy exercise! I enjoy exercise at the time I am doing it and the after affects! I love the sweat and the "pushing" myself! The challenge and the endorphins and the energy and the mood it brings for me! Yes, I do! Enjoying exercise has always made it difficult for me to understand how come people don't enjoy exercise! It really doesn't click with me!
Lately, I have had the chance to workout with my cousin, who does not-so-much enjoy exercise! Understanding her and her unjoy for exercise has taught me alot!
So my frustration builds!
Last week I let it go and moved and turned the other way!
This week, I paused waited for the "member of the class" to FINALLY walk away and SHUT UP! I walked over to the newer woman (I have only taken this class for these two weeks) and asked her to please stay for the class and please just work at her own pace! I politely asked this woman if she enjoyed dancing. Her reply, excitedly "yes"!
I reply than just please stay and just keep moving!
I just don't understand where the competition in group fitness came from! Where in the world is the joy in chasing someone out of a class! What is wrong with us!? What kind of encouragement is that?
I just don't get it, I am so frustrated!
Honestly, is there some kind of joy in making someone believe that fitness or exercise isn't for them? Is there some kind of competition where, someone can bounce and hop and I can only tap side to side, that the bounce and hop person gets a medal or a trophy at the end our time on earth?
The decision, for some, to step into the world of fitness is so tough and then to take a class is literally a leap of faith and then to have someone talk them out of, WOW! Crazy!
Really, honestly, what joy is there in talking someone out of taking a fitness class or exercising? What kind of change does that honestly bring for your life, what kind of joy can you find in that?

Monday, September 21, 2009


I never really realized how much music helps in everyday life and how much it reminds me of my past! I don't "do" concerts, I don't buy music, I don't know artists! I'm just not really good at this stuff, I never realized how much it does interest me!
This past week, I have been listening to a radio station (because I am waiting for my XM radio antenna) that plays almost all 80's music! I have been enjoying it, enjoying every moment! I have an 1 1/2 ride to work everyday and an hour ride home, so my radio is important to me! I catch up on news and whatever else hits me on the way!
Neat thing, my kids love 80's music! So cool! They hear a song and say mom "turn it up" and to their surprise, I DO!!
What I have discovered:
My kids like Bon Jovi and Journey
I don't like Duran Duran, but I like the journey it takes me on
I really enjoy hearing Bruce Springsteen
Music really does play apart in my life. It was so neat to listen to this music and have it take me back or bring me into the moment!
On Saturday, I was taking Windy to her friends to spend the night and then I was off to work. In our short drive we had a decent discussion and then Taylor Swift came on the radio and we turned up the radio and sang LOUDLY together! I'll always remember that moment, it was beautiful and breath taking (not my singing, just the moment we shared)!

As life gets faster and faster for my children I tend to pull on the coat tails and try to slow them down, this is a moment where I won!
I slowed Windy down for a second and we enjoyed our moment together!

Friday, September 18, 2009

They're Baaaack.............part 2

Getting married and sleeping next to the one I love every night, I thought would fix everything and make me feel more secure. It did in a sense and then it also produced guilt, which made things even worse. Sometimes my mind works overtime! Now, I felt guilty that not only was I not sleeping well but my husband wasn't either! Wow, talk about compounding a problem.

The nights of waking up were even worse, but the actual damaging to my body had stopped.

Eventually, I sought out help.

Once again, seeking the help of a professional seemed to be the only way.

Then I started picking up books and reading and praying and trying to fix myself, only to find that there was deep-seeded guilt.

The guilt of all the stuff that happened and the blaming of myself! I didn't know I blamed myself so much. Of course, I went through all that "could've, would've, should've" stuff that you go through whenever things don't turn out like we planned.

Turns out that 've stuff was pretty deep and very difficult.

I snuggled in closer and closer to my Larbo every night and he obliged, of course back then with a full size bed it was much easier!

As the days and years went on, I began to heal and it was a slow process of growth. It was difficult!

Together, Larbo and I made it! We made it through the night terrors, through the junk I never knew was clouding my mind and my heart!

We never would have made it to this point without the love of God, first and foremost and then the loads of great family and friends, God has given us then add the tons and tons of understanding from others and each other!

It hasn't been an easy road and I thought we were through this "silly" part of my life!

I do not like to dream, good or bad, I can't stand it! Or the remembering of my dreams, however you want to word it! I can't stand waking up and not feeling rested and the concern that consumes me when I sleep and then goes into my day!

I pray this dreaming stuff goes away again! I pray that God continues to work in me and makes my sleep what He meant it to be! For now, I wait patiently, snuggle back into my Larbo's arm and unfortunately mess with his good sleep (there's that guilt thing again) and pray pray and pray some more! Try to figure out where this is stemming from and find my way to better sleep once again!

They're Baaaack.............part 1

Remember Poltergeist? Probably the only scary movie I ever watched, to most people it isn't that scary, but to me it was more than enough! I don't do scary movies and I don't do scary games! To me, life is scary enough without adding to it!
Having a schedule, has brought something back to my sleep, and it's not good!
My entire life, I have fought the battle of "bad dreams" which eventually turned to nightmares and then turned to REALLY BAD NIGHTMARES! Today, they have a word for what I was going through when they were really bad nightmares, today the are called "night terrors"!
For years, I battled these things! They were never just dreaming, what made them worse was the damage I would cause to myself in my sleep.
When I would finally wake up from these things, there would be bruising on my body and face and clumps of hair missing from my scalp, lots of talking/screaming and the sweating and the terror that came when I woke up was unbearable. Many of nights, I found myself just afraid to sleep and it had nothing to do with the damage I was doing to myself, it was the terror that awaited me in my dreams! I was in high school when these started and I know why they were there and I always knew, but unless absolutely necessary I didn't tell anyone! I was embarrassed that I could cause myself such damage and not have a real explanation for it. Thankfully, at the time none of my friends asked about the bruising or the other stuff and I didn't spend the night very many places back then, I always had to get home to be with mom! My poor mom, would be woken up by screams or yelling and wake me up! This totally sucked! The moms of my friends didn't let me just skate by without answering questions and most of the time it was just a quick question from them and a one word answer from me "nightmares"! Enough said!
The really embarrassing moments came when I had boyfriends, that included my husband. We would be around their families and they would notice bruising! These poor families, the parents would think the worst of their sons and then pull me aside and ask "what happened?" To which, I would explain the problem. The relief I could see in their face immediately and almost simultaneously the concern for me! I didn't know how to stop it, I didn't know how to hide it and I didn't know how to stay awake all the time, although I did spend alot of time awake during these years! Given the chance to fall asleep next to someone holding me, whether at night or in the middle of the day, I'd always take it! Someone would be there to wake me as soon as the movement started or the talking began. Many times I would get a good hour of sleep in and ohhhh the difference it made! Then to be able to sleep next to someone night after night and be held was a "God-Sent"!
I fought night terrors for more then 10 years and one day, "poof" my dreams were gone! No more dreaming, not even good ones and to me that was an answer to much much prayer!
The night terrors aren't back, I pray to God they never come back! The bad dreams/nightmares are back! I wake up concerned and frustrated, a bit rested, but not as much as I should be after 7 hours sleep!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


bye to the 10lbs I have lost since the beginning of August!
I am thrilled, I can't see it, I can't see it in my clothes yet (ok, maybe a little), but I totally see it in the numbers on the scale!
I know I am supposed to go by the way the my clothes fit, but I have done that before, even dropped 20 lbs and got frustrated because I didn't "see it" and I didn't feel it either. So this time, by the scale!
The scale has nice things to say lately and I am loving it!
Larry says he can see it, I really can't! As long as Larry is nice about the weight-loss and the noticing, I'll take his word for it!
No pics to post today, cause like I said I don't see it!
So far, changes I have made is not eating at night, whew big one!!! Being on a regular schedule at work is not only good for my sleep but good for my eating!
I have made more stops at farm stands for fresh produce instead of stops at drive-thrus! Another big one. The farm stands have better choices and two bonuses, they are easier on my wallet and quicker! I am sure gonna miss them when they are gone. Exercising hasn't changed for me, I love to exercise and the burst of energy I get from it, I love the challenge, so exercise was never a problem for me!
10 more lbs. and I get a full body massage!
I can't wait!
Bye-bye 10lbs. See ya, never come back!!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Hank Again...

This morning, as Mitch and I were waiting for his bus, I was tying his shoes (because I'm his mom and I can do that) and he was using that moment to talk to me! I love these moments, that's why I blow dry Windy's hair and tie Mitchy's shoes and heat up Adam's food, because in these moments, while they are waiting for me to help them, my kids talk! They talk about the good and the bad going on and they just chat about what's on their mind! I love these moments!
Anyway, we were running a lil behind schedule today, so Mitch and I walked outside and took Hanky (one of our dogs) out on the porch with us and we all sat down! This is a normal routine! I have my coffee and the dog and my Mitchy all at hand. We sat down, all of us, on the steps of the porch! I started tying Mitch's shoes and he started chatting, not about anything important, just chatting! Then I looked up and the bus was here! I yelled "bus" like I do every time we are running, slightly, behind schedule and Mitch took off running to catch the bus (this is when I don't like a looooong driveway) and Hank took off running after him, so of course, now Mama has to run to the bus!

OK, here we go again! It's morning, I have my PJ's on and that means no bra! The bus has pulled to our drive and Mitch is running for the bus (backpack bouncing) and oh yea, Hanky is chasing Mitch and I am chasing Hank! Because I am in my PJ's I have no shoes on and we have a gravel drive, so my run is more like an ouchy run! Oh thank God, Hank stopped when Mitchy got on the bus! Whew, but I am still running to get Hank and before I know it, he is up the bus steps and on the bus! Hank is ready to ride to school!
I have never been on my kids bus in the AM! Until today, that is! Now, I am up on the bus and looking for Hank, oh yea he is all the way in the back of the bus all the kids, thankfully, are laughing and petting him!
Oh yea, try telling the dog he's bad when 60 little hands are petting him and 30 lil sweet faces are telling him how cute he is and oh the laughter on the bus! Crazy!

I get Hank, literally, drag him off the bus!
Look up at the bus driver, who is, I think smiling, I know shaking her head at me and apologize, at least 24 times!
Oh yea, we live on a semi-busy road and all of you waiting to get to work, I apologize! Hank had to go to the vet today for his shots, so he got his discipline, sortof!
But when Mitch came home, I asked him "so are we in trouble with the bus driver?"
He replied, "not sure, she didn't say anything, but everyone was telling my teacher that Mitch's dog was on the bus!"
So as embarrassing as that moment seemed, Mitch with one shoe tied, Hank on the bus, Mama in her PJ's no shoes and no bra, it turned out to be pretty cute!
BTW Hank will not be out on the front porch with us any more!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

what a week...

It has been an emotional week!
On Friday, I kept saying to the kids "today is 9/11"!
Adam totally got it, his heart was there! His heart was in the day and with mine, for a change, my oldest and I were seeing eye-to-eye!!
Windy, kinda got it! She was sympathetic and full of heart, like she always is! She is always "into" what someone in the family is "into"! I pray and hope she learns to be "into" what her heart is "into"! If you know what I mean!
Mitch, my Mitchey, totally didn't get it and somewhere in the short morning, we share together, he said: "mom, you keep saying it's 9-11, what does that mean" ha, my heart sunk and then it leaped, almost like it was supposed to! My heart was saddened and happy at the same time!
He didn't know the sadness of 9/11! He was so innocent!
I remember that day, like yesterday! I had Mitchey in his stroller and Adam and Windy at my side, as I would any Tuesday that year! I had showed up to workout and stayed for a bible study at church!
My Mitchey was only 7 months old, to the day! Windy was only 3 and Adam was 6! Windy remembers somewhat, but Adam, 9/11 holds a place in his heart as it does mine!
That was the first day, since Adam was born, that the TV was on alllllllllll day and on that CNN channel! Usually, our TV was only on at specific times, never would it be on for noise!
So much changed that day for all of us, but it changed even more for those directly affected!
My heart still breaks thinking about those families that had given and lost so much on that day!
Why haven't I taught my youngest more about that day already? Oh yea, the emotion and the heart in it all, was tough, very tough!
So on 9/11/09 I started teaching my youngest more about 9/11/01 and my older two will continue the journey with Mitchey!
My heart/mind never stopped praying for our Country and the families directly affected by that day, but my mind never started teaching about 9/11!
What a day! Still learning to learn!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Hard Lessons...

Some of the hardest lessons life has taught me, have been about my choice of words and my choice of actions:

Call that loved one you haven't talked to in a while, regardless of how long its been
One more kiss/hug is a good thing
One more cookie/candy is not a good thing
Never let the ones you love, leave without hearing the words "I love you".
Don't assume they know
Don't use the words "our paths with cross someday" with a friend you haven't seen in a while, make it happen
When saying Thank you, be sincere and honest or don't say it!
When you have words of encouragement for someone, tell them
Write that letter
A hug can make all the difference
Spending time with someone you love, without saying a word, is priceless
It's ok not to know what to say
Being a good friend is constant work
Good friends are necessary and a gift, not a right
Mistakes happen learn from them
Hold your children close every chance you can, even if they act like they don't want it
Running the race doesn't always mean running, sometimes it means stopping
Tell the people you are proud of, that you are proud of them
Apologize sincerely!
Always show your heart
I could go on and on! These are the lessons on my heart today.
Life is precious and short, enjoy it!

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Try as I may to do the right thing:
Love my family
work out at the gym for a healthy life and to lose weight
Regular checkups with the Dr.
raise obedient children
teach right
Do a good job at work
Keep a clean house
Make sure the family is fed well
etc etc
the list goes on and on. I keep screwing up! Hmmmph! I get so aggravated with myself. I know mistakes are a normal part of life and that if there is a lesson learned, then it's all good! Still hmmmph, aggravated with myself, I really don't like making mistakes.
It seems like I am constantly hurting the ones I love the most. I admit, I have a tendency to bounce alot off my hubby! I did it again today and have been for about two weeks.
I could use the excuse, that there is alot on my mind and that is true, but excuses to hurt the ones I love, is just that an excuse, not a reason (as if there is ever a good reason to hurt someone)!
So here I go once again:
I Pick up the phone and apologize and try to move forward.

Moving Forward

Sunday, September 6, 2009

I Know I Said Either Way.....

But I can't help to be a little let down and a little sad. After all, I don't put in for a position, unless I know I am qualified! I didn't get my "lateral" move! I know that isn't supposed to be a big deal and I know I said either way I am happy. I am happy, I am happy I get to learn more about locomotives and try to improve morale on 2ND shift where I am, but I don't apply for a job that I think I am not qualified for! So my heart sunk, just a little, when I received a phone call, from the boss I really want to work for (just for a little while) and he said "you interviewed very well, but that wasn't all we took into consideration"! I could feel myself lean back in my chair and my shoulders come forward, like "humph"! I felt my heart go "man oh man"!
Then I remembered where I was.
At that moment, I was at work, on a shift I requested to be, on a shift I asked the employees if it would be OK with them if I put in for this job (honestly I did)! Now, if that isn't saying something, I don't know what is! I requested the shift I am on and I am enjoying a regular routine!
One of the benefits of working this shift is that, I don't have to have anyone come over in the morning to put my kids on the bus,
I do it!
I get to dry Yaya's hair in the morning or help her "part it",
I get to help Mitchy pick out his clothes and
I get to answer the question "what's the weather going to be like today" from Adam!
I am the last one that hugs and kisses my kids before they get on the bus each day for school,
I get to do that
I get all that!
And I get to try and help the morale of second shift.
My second shift feels beat up and put out! And I, me, Lil' ol' me(or big ol' me, working on lil' ol me!), gets to help bring them back around to, the vision of my company, my company's way of thinking!
Honestly, as much as it stinks, I know it's right! It's not fair, but it's right!
Then I think back to where I was 3 years ago, haaaaa hahaahaha!! That's all I can do is laugh, I wasn't ever dreaming about being in any management position for the railroad, I was trying to find a job, trying just to get a position to clean up coach cars, passenger cars, or anything that would pay a decent days wage.
Now, I am sending out the power to take the freight across the country.
I know more about locomotives, then I would have ever dreamed.
I know all about the air brakes and the horsepower and the computer system and the electrical, then I would have ever even dreamed and three years later, how can I possibly be disappointed!
So what exactly, was I complaining about!
Oh yea,
that one position that just isn't meant for right now!
I'll be OK,
I'll be alright!
Set back for a second but not for a lifetime!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I have spent most of my parent-life trying to make things fair. Then I started working outside the home and started trying to make things fair at work!
I have also spent alot of time explaining to my children how "life is just not fair"!
That's just the way it is!
I now spend alot of my time, at work, listening to others complain how it is "just not fair!"
Really, honestly, we are all adults at work and should know by now that life is just not fair and it never ever will be!!
I spent sometime really thinking and meditating on this the past few days.
I do spend alot of my time, trying, to make things "fair"!
Why? Why have I spent so much time trying to "even the score" between employees and between my kids?
My honest answer to myself was: Because we always want what someone else has or doesn't have and "the grass is always greener on the other side" (when your looking at it from your grass to someone else's)! And I don't want anyone, not even my kids to think of me as being partial!
I know, what is right for me isn't right for someone else and vice-versa, so why in the world do I work so hard on being "fair"?
Funny thing is, all this time I work on making things fair, I never expect them to be fair for me!
Then in my time and meditations on God's Word
I heard my words come back to me:
"Do you really want me to make things fair? I can do that, if that's what you really want!"
I think it is time, I stop spending so much time making things fair and start spending more time on what is right!
And like I said, what's right for one isn't right for the other!
My kids
love differently
anger differently
show emotions differently
they all need different things
at different times and at different ages!
My coworkers are the same way, therefor life and stuff will never be fair!
Now, if I could just erase that line from every ones vocabulary!
Then things were put into perspective again,
God really isn't fair! If He were, we would all be doomed and get what we deserve!
Now, that's fair!

Thursday, August 27, 2009


The kids are all back at school. I now have 2 in middle school and only one in elementary, wow, when did they all grow up? I know I saw them grow, I just can't believe they have come this far, right before my eyes! As fast as they are growing up, is as fast as things are changing and then also proves how much more growing up we all still have ahead of us!
yep, I said it, we all have alot of growing up to do!
I am finding that maturity isn't something we come upon one day and have reached, it is an ongoing life lesson. Some of the life lessons are neat and fun to go through and anticipated, but the older I get, the more I realize, sometimes this maturity thing hurts! Then I look back to being a child and a teenager and I realize, it has always been this way, just when we are children and teenagers it is more predictable, because we have our parents with us everyday and as parents, we not only give guidance but discipline and strong direct guidance! As I "grow up" I have way more freedom to make my choices and in doing so, when I make the wrong choice the consequences hurt even more! Ouch!
I have had two interviews at work in the passed two weeks and the first one, you know about, I didn't get it! The second interview, I am still waiting on the results! I know I'll be ok with either decision, but a change is exciting to me! I have had a recent change at work with my schedule, I get to work one shift all week, every week! After working 3 shifts every week for 2 years, I am ready and so is my body! I love normal routines. That being said, I already am going through change at work and I am excited, I get to work with the same group of people everyday and several them are good teachers! This group of people have alot to teach and the will to do it! I have already learned so much from them in my 2 days a week for the passed two years, can you imagine what I can learn from them in the near future, working everyday with them!
Wow, I am excited, either change is good! I have mixed emotions, as you can see! I want OUT of where I am right now and I want to STAY where I am right now!
No worries, it's in God's Hands and I am there also, resting and waiting!
I'll let you know what the decision is as soon as I know!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

We, as a family, have been through quite a few changes in the passed 3 years! Most of them have been good changes, well, wait, I believe all of the changes have been good, you know how God works: All things together for the greater good, of those who love HIM!!
There was one day recently that was both, amazing, happy and sad! I took Adam to the Dr for, what seemed to be "swimmers ear". All three of the kids had been "tent" camping with my dad, Grampa Pat, last week.
Adam went to the Dr and was weighed and measured. The day before this, I went to a wedding with Adam and noticed that even with my "heels" on I had to look up to him! Adam noticed the height difference also, but Me, being the awesome Mom that I am, told Adam he was out of his mind, he was not taller than me and it was just him "making things as he wanted!"

The nurse put this dispute at rest, as soon as she said "ok, you are 5'8"! Adam revelled in the joy of being "taller than mom" and joked about how his Dad isn't far away now! My heart went to go dial a number, the number the upset mommy's call when their heart sinks and is saddened and leaps and is full of joy, all at the same time!

Adam, at this same instance, was already dialing Auntie Polly, my cousin and friend! He quickly told her about his amazing growth and me and my mind were brought, almost 2o years ahead, where we are today!
This kid is literally growing up far too fast for me!!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Working Woman

This evening as I gave my Safety Briefing to my employees, I had to apologize for pushing them so hard, I had to apologize for putting my numbers before safety. I honestly didn't push them, but I was so "busy" with other stuff I wasn't aware enough to slow them down and ask them to stop! I failed my employees, the very ones I set out to protect everyday!
I was busy trying to find a way to repair a Locomotive for an "officer" train the next day! My employees, my guys, were busy trying to find a way to get through their night at work! By the time I got back to the service track, I had noticed my guys had serviced more than their fair share of units and that they should have stopped servicing locomotives a couple of hours ago! Now, not only were they tired, but they were trying to do good to make me look good! UGHhh! This is so wrong for a company to preaches safety the way we do and I preach preach preach safety! I should have been on the service track to say them stop! I wasn't I was out attempting to do a job, my employees had already attempted and knew we couldn't just do in a few moments!
I usually trust my guys, I usually follow their advise to a "T"! Why would this night be different, oh yea, My boss was pushing me further than he should have!
So, after the nightmares, after the safety interview with an employee, after being concerned for my employees all day, after being concerned for myself all day!
I stood in front of my guys, without a "line-up" and apologized for working them too hard! I answered to my boss and didn't need to and asked them to help me make our Railroad a safer place to work, and they all agreed! But, all of them fear the repercussions of our conversation during our briefing, this stinks and weighs my heart down even more!
While apologizing, one of the guys asked me "why does it look like you have been crying?" and I had to answer, because that is who I am and when I am upset and angry, either with myself or others, I cry! I am a girl and I cry!
It kills me, I try to prove everyday that I am "one of the guys" to only admit that "I am a girl"! The part that doesn't upset me is that God has created men and woman different, but he never gives us the right to be treated differently! I feel that I knock myself out daily to try to prove that I am right for my job and that I am worthy to move up and I honestly believe that I am just as good of a candidate for moving up as any man!
But some days I just cry like a girl!
Wrong or right, I just don't care, it is who I am and I am right for the job I am in, I can admit out loud that I am wrong and I can commit "out loud" to making changes, for the better and I can even request those changes at my inconvenience, because I know it isn't always about me!
So, tell me why in 2009 I feel as though I am still trying to make way for other women and not that we are treated equal to men in life and the workforce!?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I did it, I talked to my friend, the one I was being transparent about! Turns out, what I thought was the problem, really wasn't (isn't that always the way it is, when we let it all just keep building) it was completely different! Most importantly, the issue is resolved and my friend and coworker and I are back to "normal"!

Thank God for His continued pressing on my heart to resolve this or what I thought was the issue!

In other updates:
I continue to look for a new position at work, I am ready to make a career move, but as long as I am in the position I am in, I will make the best of it and continue to learn!!

The kids are gone with Grandpa on their annual "tent" camping vacation! They are having a blast, so far!

The biggest new challenge in my life: I have entered "Biggest Loser" contest at my gym! The winner gets a free membership and of course, to be less weighted!! I have "lifestyle" changes to be made! I can't wait to beat this challenge!

Friday, July 31, 2009

completely transparent

My blog or journal this evening, early morning, could be about so many things. I could write about how I cleaned and cleaned the home tonight in hopes that my Larbo wakes up and is blessed, I want to be a better friend to him. I could write about the dressing room that I have and that I have finally started decorating and making my own, courtesy of my MIL! I could write about how my children have grown and are now, all making plans, completely on their own and then informing mommy of what they will be doing that day (I mean asking permission to do)! I could write about the renewed relationship with my Grandmother (this I will be posting about soon), I could write about so many things, but tonite, I want to be completely transparent to myself, so I will write about what is heaviest on my mind (there's something new, LOL)!

I have been working in my position for 1 year and 9 months! I enjoy what I do, but I did not get to this point by myself, I did not immediately enter into this Mechanical Foreman position and totally know what I was doing! So many greay people have helped me along the way! The support at home is always good, the guidance from the "higher managment" has been good, but the "on the job" training I have received and those I work with daily, has been, by far, the most helpful and the most "eye opening"! My coworkers, the ones I manage (if you can call it that) are heaviest on my mind tonite, there is one co-worker/friend who is heaviest on both my heart and mind tonite.

Because of working every shift, every week, I get the true blessing of working with almost every employee in my little area. But, there is one that I get to work with more than others, his name is Russ, this is my friend that I am writing about, we know each other because of the job, but we became friends because of who Russ is! I honestly believe Russ has had my back from the beginning, the thing that sets him apart from the other employees, is that I consider him a friend! I do work along side of him more than any other employee.

OK, take a minute and remember my "New Years Resolution", if you could feel the pain in my heart right now (OH MY)! The need for that Resolution becomes more and more apparent every day, the more I think I am working towards it, the more I realize the necessity in my resolution and how I have consistently failed being a good friend!

Point Blank:

I put Russ in a bad position, back in February and when he confronted me with it, he was angry and he yelled at me! My response, was not to be "treated this way" and I walked away. Walking away, when being yelled at is ok, as long as I come back and face the problem quickly, taking into account that my friend was trully hurt, by my actions! Coming back and facing the problem quickly is where I have totally failed!

Not coming back, is like your friend having a splinter in their toe and you have both the tweezers and the alcohol and you chose not to use them, it is just like looking at your friend and saying, "hmm does that hurt? Do you want me to help?" and your friend says "yes" and you act as though, you haven't heard their response!

What month are we in? Oh my we are really at the end of JULY and going to August and I have walked away from this issue for almost 6 months, ruining the best friendship I have at work! I work with Russ more often than I get to work with anyone else! Russ has had my back since the day I showed up at Cicero Roundhouse and about 1 week ago another Supervisor came to me and said, "Russ said, all you have to do is apologize"!


Why didn't I just come back the next day and say "I am so sorry that I put you in that position"? Why didn't I come back one week later and say that same line?

I know why,

I am so worried/concerned about being RIGHT, that I forget that I really really really, can just be WRONG! I can admit being wrong to my husband and my children, why can't I tell the one person, I know, is on my side at work?

Because, I will have to admit, that as hard as work at "ALWAYS" being right that many times I am just plain wrong.

Truth be told, 90% of my life is spent being wrong, but the good thing is I can usually admit to that! Why can't I admit to that at work?

I can write about my "goals" at work and how I want to make the company, I work for, an equal opportunity employer!

I can write about all the junk I have been through lately.

I can write about not being "treated in that matter"!

The truth is, I just didn't want to admit to being "wrong" at work, it hurts, it so hurts to be wrong at a place where I am trying to prove "I have the right to be there and have the ability to handle it"!

This is how I am going to try to change what I have wronged:

I am going to go to work tomorrow evening, I am going to call my friend and I am going to apologize to putting him in a "bad position"! I am not going to let him "off the hook" for yelling at me, but I am going to take what is my responsibility and I am going to attempt to make things right and attempt to be a good friend, oh yes that is my "New Years Resolution", it doesn't mean that mine and Russ' friendship end up where it was 6 months ago, it means that this is where I need to start!

Transparency and vulnerability, really stink at first but are honestly one of those "blessings in disguise!"

Do I think everything is going to be ok after tomorrow night? Don't know, but I am going to take my responsibilty for my part and pray, hope and think positive thoughts for my relationship with Russ!

I pray things turn out good, but more importantly, I pray that Russ and his family are where they need to be!

My hardest stuff is admitting I may be wrong in some area, proving to be harder is admitting, that I KNOW, I am wrong in this part of my life with friendships!!

Friday, July 24, 2009


I posted this about 2 years ago, but I have the perfect opportunity and good reasons to post it again!

My Dad just celebrated his 60th Birthday! I am so proud and amazed by the obstacles he has made it through! He is an awesome father and an amazing Grandpa! I am so proud to call him Dad!
Happy Birthday Dad!
TO MY DAD, my amazing, awesome, wonderful dad and to the GREATEST GRANDPA EVER:
This is his Yard Railroad and it has grown and transformed since these pics, I'll try and get some new ones on here soon!!

This is a special one for me. I am so proud of my dad. Early in my marriage I went a long time with watching my dad fight a huge battle and for an even longer time just giving in to it. We have become so close in the past 6 years it is amazing. God does restore relationships, he is good for his Word, always.
Another cool thing about this is that my children absolutely adore him and could never imagine the man I sometimes recall (just so they know how far and how strong my dad is) and tell stories about.
My dad was a good father, but got lost in some things that happened and had a hard time figuring out how to cope and tried to cope in ways that really hurt himself.
Anyway, this is a passion my dad has found in the past couple of years. G gauge trains. He said he wanted to build this track and scenery in his backyard. I honestly thought it would take him at least a couple of years!!! I would say it has probably taken him less than this one summer!!!!!!
I think this is so cool, it is awesome to sit around and watch the two trains go by and see what my dad has put together with his own two hands! It made me want to share it!
Here is a picture of the bridge that he built himself over the pond and water fall he put in.
These pictures just don't do this train justice! It is still "a work in progress" I think if he were done, it could be finished, there is still so many more ideas in his head.
As you can see it is also something my children enjoy.
When we get to his house to visit, suitcases get dropped wherever (unless mom reminds them to take them in) They are on to the train. He lets them rearrange the buildings, houses and people.
When they go to train shows it is a challenge for them to find the right size pieces. It is very neat to hear my kids talk about what deals and what kind of stuff they found for the trains.
My dad has really made them feel apart of this project.

I am just so impressed by my father and the fight

he has fought and how well he continues to fight. I am so thankful for him and the restoration God has given us.
I am so close to my dad, I talk to him daily

now!! My dad is a kind and gentle man that has come through some things the hard way. He is a fighter and enjoys helping others through their battles. I am impressed by the way he doesn't hide from what he has gone through, but shares it with those who need to hear! He is a man that doesn't give up easily, on himself and on others he gives until it hurts and helps until he truly cannot any longer and to the point of hurting himself!! I just cannot tell you how impressed I am by my fathers will to fight and press on and through and passed.

Dad, this one is dedicated to you. I LOVE YOU!

I am so proud of you. I enjoy the relationship we have and even more the relationship you enjoy with Adam, Windy, Mitchell and Larry it gives me an overwhelming JOY!!!