This is just an outlet for me, to be able to get my thoughts out! I am a Woman, Wife and Mommy that also works outside the home! Just me trying to make it all work for the best for my family and myself! Just my journey!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Kids----Growing Up

Got to spend the weekend with my cousin Shane and her family! It was a fantastic time. As our children get older they are more able to solve their own issues and rely on us parents less and less, it makes it so we can visit with one another and not "referee" so much! Not that they were ever bad kids or constantly fighting, but they were and are typical children growing up and learning their way!
It was a neat time, watching Kylie, freshman and Adam, 8th grade, show their maturity and their ability to solve problems and also to watch them just play! They played outside alot this weekend! Windy and Nathan are also growing up, but these two have such a different personality than the "first borns"! Windy and Nathan seem to be very laid back in their approach of spending time together! The four of them played alot of football outside and Mitch joined them from time to time, but he isn't quite ready for the preteen and teenagers yet! Mitch was just fine with finding the computer completely available for him and Ava did alot of entertaining the adults and she is very good at it! Ava is a doll an absolute doll!
We were able to go watch Leo play soccer and apparently it was the game he, finally, got into soccer! He looked like a wild-man out there playing soccer! Trying to get his lil foot on the ball and running and running, it was so neat to watch!
Jordan is our 17 year old, getting ready to graduate! She is a woman, it is hard for me to see that, when I look at her I still see Baby J!
This weekend left me in amazement of these children we have raised! Right now, I say "wow, we didn't do too bad"! Ask me next week or even tomorrow and I may say something completely different! So neat to have seen them go from babies to almost grown! We still have a long way to go with all of them!

Thursday, September 24, 2009


I listened, at the gym today and last week, as two completely different women talked other women out of taking a class!
Oh my frustration!
The new women ask "so how and what is this class?"
The women who have been taking this class always answer "hard it's hard"
My frustration level boils.
I enjoy exercise in any way! I love group fitness for its social aspect and I love single fitness for the alone time I get with me! I learned this way back when there was the 20 minute workout on TV at 5am! I used to get up and do it and there were even times when it came on in the afternoon that I would do it at my dad's shop and he would join me! Yes at my chubbiest, right now, I enjoy exercise! I enjoy exercise at the time I am doing it and the after affects! I love the sweat and the "pushing" myself! The challenge and the endorphins and the energy and the mood it brings for me! Yes, I do! Enjoying exercise has always made it difficult for me to understand how come people don't enjoy exercise! It really doesn't click with me!
Lately, I have had the chance to workout with my cousin, who does not-so-much enjoy exercise! Understanding her and her unjoy for exercise has taught me alot!
So my frustration builds!
Last week I let it go and moved and turned the other way!
This week, I paused waited for the "member of the class" to FINALLY walk away and SHUT UP! I walked over to the newer woman (I have only taken this class for these two weeks) and asked her to please stay for the class and please just work at her own pace! I politely asked this woman if she enjoyed dancing. Her reply, excitedly "yes"!
I reply than just please stay and just keep moving!
I just don't understand where the competition in group fitness came from! Where in the world is the joy in chasing someone out of a class! What is wrong with us!? What kind of encouragement is that?
I just don't get it, I am so frustrated!
Honestly, is there some kind of joy in making someone believe that fitness or exercise isn't for them? Is there some kind of competition where, someone can bounce and hop and I can only tap side to side, that the bounce and hop person gets a medal or a trophy at the end our time on earth?
The decision, for some, to step into the world of fitness is so tough and then to take a class is literally a leap of faith and then to have someone talk them out of, WOW! Crazy!
Really, honestly, what joy is there in talking someone out of taking a fitness class or exercising? What kind of change does that honestly bring for your life, what kind of joy can you find in that?

Monday, September 21, 2009


I never really realized how much music helps in everyday life and how much it reminds me of my past! I don't "do" concerts, I don't buy music, I don't know artists! I'm just not really good at this stuff, I never realized how much it does interest me!
This past week, I have been listening to a radio station (because I am waiting for my XM radio antenna) that plays almost all 80's music! I have been enjoying it, enjoying every moment! I have an 1 1/2 ride to work everyday and an hour ride home, so my radio is important to me! I catch up on news and whatever else hits me on the way!
Neat thing, my kids love 80's music! So cool! They hear a song and say mom "turn it up" and to their surprise, I DO!!
What I have discovered:
My kids like Bon Jovi and Journey
I don't like Duran Duran, but I like the journey it takes me on
I really enjoy hearing Bruce Springsteen
Music really does play apart in my life. It was so neat to listen to this music and have it take me back or bring me into the moment!
On Saturday, I was taking Windy to her friends to spend the night and then I was off to work. In our short drive we had a decent discussion and then Taylor Swift came on the radio and we turned up the radio and sang LOUDLY together! I'll always remember that moment, it was beautiful and breath taking (not my singing, just the moment we shared)!

As life gets faster and faster for my children I tend to pull on the coat tails and try to slow them down, this is a moment where I won!
I slowed Windy down for a second and we enjoyed our moment together!

Friday, September 18, 2009

They're Baaaack.............part 2

Getting married and sleeping next to the one I love every night, I thought would fix everything and make me feel more secure. It did in a sense and then it also produced guilt, which made things even worse. Sometimes my mind works overtime! Now, I felt guilty that not only was I not sleeping well but my husband wasn't either! Wow, talk about compounding a problem.

The nights of waking up were even worse, but the actual damaging to my body had stopped.

Eventually, I sought out help.

Once again, seeking the help of a professional seemed to be the only way.

Then I started picking up books and reading and praying and trying to fix myself, only to find that there was deep-seeded guilt.

The guilt of all the stuff that happened and the blaming of myself! I didn't know I blamed myself so much. Of course, I went through all that "could've, would've, should've" stuff that you go through whenever things don't turn out like we planned.

Turns out that 've stuff was pretty deep and very difficult.

I snuggled in closer and closer to my Larbo every night and he obliged, of course back then with a full size bed it was much easier!

As the days and years went on, I began to heal and it was a slow process of growth. It was difficult!

Together, Larbo and I made it! We made it through the night terrors, through the junk I never knew was clouding my mind and my heart!

We never would have made it to this point without the love of God, first and foremost and then the loads of great family and friends, God has given us then add the tons and tons of understanding from others and each other!

It hasn't been an easy road and I thought we were through this "silly" part of my life!

I do not like to dream, good or bad, I can't stand it! Or the remembering of my dreams, however you want to word it! I can't stand waking up and not feeling rested and the concern that consumes me when I sleep and then goes into my day!

I pray this dreaming stuff goes away again! I pray that God continues to work in me and makes my sleep what He meant it to be! For now, I wait patiently, snuggle back into my Larbo's arm and unfortunately mess with his good sleep (there's that guilt thing again) and pray pray and pray some more! Try to figure out where this is stemming from and find my way to better sleep once again!

They're Baaaack.............part 1

Remember Poltergeist? Probably the only scary movie I ever watched, to most people it isn't that scary, but to me it was more than enough! I don't do scary movies and I don't do scary games! To me, life is scary enough without adding to it!
Having a schedule, has brought something back to my sleep, and it's not good!
My entire life, I have fought the battle of "bad dreams" which eventually turned to nightmares and then turned to REALLY BAD NIGHTMARES! Today, they have a word for what I was going through when they were really bad nightmares, today the are called "night terrors"!
For years, I battled these things! They were never just dreaming, what made them worse was the damage I would cause to myself in my sleep.
When I would finally wake up from these things, there would be bruising on my body and face and clumps of hair missing from my scalp, lots of talking/screaming and the sweating and the terror that came when I woke up was unbearable. Many of nights, I found myself just afraid to sleep and it had nothing to do with the damage I was doing to myself, it was the terror that awaited me in my dreams! I was in high school when these started and I know why they were there and I always knew, but unless absolutely necessary I didn't tell anyone! I was embarrassed that I could cause myself such damage and not have a real explanation for it. Thankfully, at the time none of my friends asked about the bruising or the other stuff and I didn't spend the night very many places back then, I always had to get home to be with mom! My poor mom, would be woken up by screams or yelling and wake me up! This totally sucked! The moms of my friends didn't let me just skate by without answering questions and most of the time it was just a quick question from them and a one word answer from me "nightmares"! Enough said!
The really embarrassing moments came when I had boyfriends, that included my husband. We would be around their families and they would notice bruising! These poor families, the parents would think the worst of their sons and then pull me aside and ask "what happened?" To which, I would explain the problem. The relief I could see in their face immediately and almost simultaneously the concern for me! I didn't know how to stop it, I didn't know how to hide it and I didn't know how to stay awake all the time, although I did spend alot of time awake during these years! Given the chance to fall asleep next to someone holding me, whether at night or in the middle of the day, I'd always take it! Someone would be there to wake me as soon as the movement started or the talking began. Many times I would get a good hour of sleep in and ohhhh the difference it made! Then to be able to sleep next to someone night after night and be held was a "God-Sent"!
I fought night terrors for more then 10 years and one day, "poof" my dreams were gone! No more dreaming, not even good ones and to me that was an answer to much much prayer!
The night terrors aren't back, I pray to God they never come back! The bad dreams/nightmares are back! I wake up concerned and frustrated, a bit rested, but not as much as I should be after 7 hours sleep!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


bye to the 10lbs I have lost since the beginning of August!
I am thrilled, I can't see it, I can't see it in my clothes yet (ok, maybe a little), but I totally see it in the numbers on the scale!
I know I am supposed to go by the way the my clothes fit, but I have done that before, even dropped 20 lbs and got frustrated because I didn't "see it" and I didn't feel it either. So this time, by the scale!
The scale has nice things to say lately and I am loving it!
Larry says he can see it, I really can't! As long as Larry is nice about the weight-loss and the noticing, I'll take his word for it!
No pics to post today, cause like I said I don't see it!
So far, changes I have made is not eating at night, whew big one!!! Being on a regular schedule at work is not only good for my sleep but good for my eating!
I have made more stops at farm stands for fresh produce instead of stops at drive-thrus! Another big one. The farm stands have better choices and two bonuses, they are easier on my wallet and quicker! I am sure gonna miss them when they are gone. Exercising hasn't changed for me, I love to exercise and the burst of energy I get from it, I love the challenge, so exercise was never a problem for me!
10 more lbs. and I get a full body massage!
I can't wait!
Bye-bye 10lbs. See ya, never come back!!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Hank Again...

This morning, as Mitch and I were waiting for his bus, I was tying his shoes (because I'm his mom and I can do that) and he was using that moment to talk to me! I love these moments, that's why I blow dry Windy's hair and tie Mitchy's shoes and heat up Adam's food, because in these moments, while they are waiting for me to help them, my kids talk! They talk about the good and the bad going on and they just chat about what's on their mind! I love these moments!
Anyway, we were running a lil behind schedule today, so Mitch and I walked outside and took Hanky (one of our dogs) out on the porch with us and we all sat down! This is a normal routine! I have my coffee and the dog and my Mitchy all at hand. We sat down, all of us, on the steps of the porch! I started tying Mitch's shoes and he started chatting, not about anything important, just chatting! Then I looked up and the bus was here! I yelled "bus" like I do every time we are running, slightly, behind schedule and Mitch took off running to catch the bus (this is when I don't like a looooong driveway) and Hank took off running after him, so of course, now Mama has to run to the bus!

OK, here we go again! It's morning, I have my PJ's on and that means no bra! The bus has pulled to our drive and Mitch is running for the bus (backpack bouncing) and oh yea, Hanky is chasing Mitch and I am chasing Hank! Because I am in my PJ's I have no shoes on and we have a gravel drive, so my run is more like an ouchy run! Oh thank God, Hank stopped when Mitchy got on the bus! Whew, but I am still running to get Hank and before I know it, he is up the bus steps and on the bus! Hank is ready to ride to school!
I have never been on my kids bus in the AM! Until today, that is! Now, I am up on the bus and looking for Hank, oh yea he is all the way in the back of the bus all the kids, thankfully, are laughing and petting him!
Oh yea, try telling the dog he's bad when 60 little hands are petting him and 30 lil sweet faces are telling him how cute he is and oh the laughter on the bus! Crazy!

I get Hank, literally, drag him off the bus!
Look up at the bus driver, who is, I think smiling, I know shaking her head at me and apologize, at least 24 times!
Oh yea, we live on a semi-busy road and all of you waiting to get to work, I apologize! Hank had to go to the vet today for his shots, so he got his discipline, sortof!
But when Mitch came home, I asked him "so are we in trouble with the bus driver?"
He replied, "not sure, she didn't say anything, but everyone was telling my teacher that Mitch's dog was on the bus!"
So as embarrassing as that moment seemed, Mitch with one shoe tied, Hank on the bus, Mama in her PJ's no shoes and no bra, it turned out to be pretty cute!
BTW Hank will not be out on the front porch with us any more!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

what a week...

It has been an emotional week!
On Friday, I kept saying to the kids "today is 9/11"!
Adam totally got it, his heart was there! His heart was in the day and with mine, for a change, my oldest and I were seeing eye-to-eye!!
Windy, kinda got it! She was sympathetic and full of heart, like she always is! She is always "into" what someone in the family is "into"! I pray and hope she learns to be "into" what her heart is "into"! If you know what I mean!
Mitch, my Mitchey, totally didn't get it and somewhere in the short morning, we share together, he said: "mom, you keep saying it's 9-11, what does that mean" ha, my heart sunk and then it leaped, almost like it was supposed to! My heart was saddened and happy at the same time!
He didn't know the sadness of 9/11! He was so innocent!
I remember that day, like yesterday! I had Mitchey in his stroller and Adam and Windy at my side, as I would any Tuesday that year! I had showed up to workout and stayed for a bible study at church!
My Mitchey was only 7 months old, to the day! Windy was only 3 and Adam was 6! Windy remembers somewhat, but Adam, 9/11 holds a place in his heart as it does mine!
That was the first day, since Adam was born, that the TV was on alllllllllll day and on that CNN channel! Usually, our TV was only on at specific times, never would it be on for noise!
So much changed that day for all of us, but it changed even more for those directly affected!
My heart still breaks thinking about those families that had given and lost so much on that day!
Why haven't I taught my youngest more about that day already? Oh yea, the emotion and the heart in it all, was tough, very tough!
So on 9/11/09 I started teaching my youngest more about 9/11/01 and my older two will continue the journey with Mitchey!
My heart/mind never stopped praying for our Country and the families directly affected by that day, but my mind never started teaching about 9/11!
What a day! Still learning to learn!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Hard Lessons...

Some of the hardest lessons life has taught me, have been about my choice of words and my choice of actions:

Call that loved one you haven't talked to in a while, regardless of how long its been
One more kiss/hug is a good thing
One more cookie/candy is not a good thing
Never let the ones you love, leave without hearing the words "I love you".
Don't assume they know
Don't use the words "our paths with cross someday" with a friend you haven't seen in a while, make it happen
When saying Thank you, be sincere and honest or don't say it!
When you have words of encouragement for someone, tell them
Write that letter
A hug can make all the difference
Spending time with someone you love, without saying a word, is priceless
It's ok not to know what to say
Being a good friend is constant work
Good friends are necessary and a gift, not a right
Mistakes happen learn from them
Hold your children close every chance you can, even if they act like they don't want it
Running the race doesn't always mean running, sometimes it means stopping
Tell the people you are proud of, that you are proud of them
Apologize sincerely!
Always show your heart
I could go on and on! These are the lessons on my heart today.
Life is precious and short, enjoy it!

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Try as I may to do the right thing:
Love my family
work out at the gym for a healthy life and to lose weight
Regular checkups with the Dr.
raise obedient children
teach right
Do a good job at work
Keep a clean house
Make sure the family is fed well
etc etc
the list goes on and on. I keep screwing up! Hmmmph! I get so aggravated with myself. I know mistakes are a normal part of life and that if there is a lesson learned, then it's all good! Still hmmmph, aggravated with myself, I really don't like making mistakes.
It seems like I am constantly hurting the ones I love the most. I admit, I have a tendency to bounce alot off my hubby! I did it again today and have been for about two weeks.
I could use the excuse, that there is alot on my mind and that is true, but excuses to hurt the ones I love, is just that an excuse, not a reason (as if there is ever a good reason to hurt someone)!
So here I go once again:
I Pick up the phone and apologize and try to move forward.

Moving Forward

Sunday, September 6, 2009

I Know I Said Either Way.....

But I can't help to be a little let down and a little sad. After all, I don't put in for a position, unless I know I am qualified! I didn't get my "lateral" move! I know that isn't supposed to be a big deal and I know I said either way I am happy. I am happy, I am happy I get to learn more about locomotives and try to improve morale on 2ND shift where I am, but I don't apply for a job that I think I am not qualified for! So my heart sunk, just a little, when I received a phone call, from the boss I really want to work for (just for a little while) and he said "you interviewed very well, but that wasn't all we took into consideration"! I could feel myself lean back in my chair and my shoulders come forward, like "humph"! I felt my heart go "man oh man"!
Then I remembered where I was.
At that moment, I was at work, on a shift I requested to be, on a shift I asked the employees if it would be OK with them if I put in for this job (honestly I did)! Now, if that isn't saying something, I don't know what is! I requested the shift I am on and I am enjoying a regular routine!
One of the benefits of working this shift is that, I don't have to have anyone come over in the morning to put my kids on the bus,
I do it!
I get to dry Yaya's hair in the morning or help her "part it",
I get to help Mitchy pick out his clothes and
I get to answer the question "what's the weather going to be like today" from Adam!
I am the last one that hugs and kisses my kids before they get on the bus each day for school,
I get to do that
I get all that!
And I get to try and help the morale of second shift.
My second shift feels beat up and put out! And I, me, Lil' ol' me(or big ol' me, working on lil' ol me!), gets to help bring them back around to, the vision of my company, my company's way of thinking!
Honestly, as much as it stinks, I know it's right! It's not fair, but it's right!
Then I think back to where I was 3 years ago, haaaaa hahaahaha!! That's all I can do is laugh, I wasn't ever dreaming about being in any management position for the railroad, I was trying to find a job, trying just to get a position to clean up coach cars, passenger cars, or anything that would pay a decent days wage.
Now, I am sending out the power to take the freight across the country.
I know more about locomotives, then I would have ever dreamed.
I know all about the air brakes and the horsepower and the computer system and the electrical, then I would have ever even dreamed and three years later, how can I possibly be disappointed!
So what exactly, was I complaining about!
Oh yea,
that one position that just isn't meant for right now!
I'll be OK,
I'll be alright!
Set back for a second but not for a lifetime!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I have spent most of my parent-life trying to make things fair. Then I started working outside the home and started trying to make things fair at work!
I have also spent alot of time explaining to my children how "life is just not fair"!
That's just the way it is!
I now spend alot of my time, at work, listening to others complain how it is "just not fair!"
Really, honestly, we are all adults at work and should know by now that life is just not fair and it never ever will be!!
I spent sometime really thinking and meditating on this the past few days.
I do spend alot of my time, trying, to make things "fair"!
Why? Why have I spent so much time trying to "even the score" between employees and between my kids?
My honest answer to myself was: Because we always want what someone else has or doesn't have and "the grass is always greener on the other side" (when your looking at it from your grass to someone else's)! And I don't want anyone, not even my kids to think of me as being partial!
I know, what is right for me isn't right for someone else and vice-versa, so why in the world do I work so hard on being "fair"?
Funny thing is, all this time I work on making things fair, I never expect them to be fair for me!
Then in my time and meditations on God's Word
I heard my words come back to me:
"Do you really want me to make things fair? I can do that, if that's what you really want!"
I think it is time, I stop spending so much time making things fair and start spending more time on what is right!
And like I said, what's right for one isn't right for the other!
My kids
love differently
anger differently
show emotions differently
they all need different things
at different times and at different ages!
My coworkers are the same way, therefor life and stuff will never be fair!
Now, if I could just erase that line from every ones vocabulary!
Then things were put into perspective again,
God really isn't fair! If He were, we would all be doomed and get what we deserve!
Now, that's fair!