This is just an outlet for me, to be able to get my thoughts out! I am a Woman, Wife and Mommy that also works outside the home! Just me trying to make it all work for the best for my family and myself! Just my journey!

Friday, October 28, 2011

That's My Couch

And My Family Fits!!
Sometimes real well and sometimes, not so well!
I love it!
But I look at my couch and it is a reminder of what it is meant to be for!
I'm not going to lie, my last four months have been rough and they aren't over!
But my couch reminds me, there is room for everyone!
It's not a couch I would've picked, but I am thankful for the reminder it has!
My couch was perfect when I purchased it!
It fit in it's spot well and it fit everyone in my family well and it even leaves room for visitors!
After time it became broken!
But still together!
We can squeeze it together at any moment and it looks perfect!
It still fits it's space!
It still allows everyone a space!
unfortunately, it now allows people to fall through the cracks!
but room enough to be brought back up!
My family can keep it together
and even close friends and family know to "grab an end and push in"!
Sometimes its just enough for everyone to sit on
and sometimes there's  just enough room to let it fall apart!
No one pushes in, no one cares!  Everyone just falls in!  Even in the cracks!
And it just doesn't matter that some are on the couch and some are off and in between!
Because we love them all!  in between or on top!
My life is like my couch!
For a time it is perfect and right on!
And for a time it is perfectly, imperfect and so off course!
Sometimes there's only enough room for those that know what's going on!
And sometimes there's room for everyone!
And sometimes there's enough room to explain!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Letter To My Sis

Dear Sis,

I miss you every day!  Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, laugh about something you said or did, cry a little inside because I miss you so much!
I was robbed of my time with you and that doesn't go away.  Sometimes I want to jump up and down and throw a temper tantrum and tell the world how unfair this is!  But, I know better, I know life isn't fair and, like Mom used to tell us, "no one ever said life was fair"!  What a tough lesson to live sometimes.
Today is the date of your death and today it hurts pretty bad that your not here.  Today everything is coming to the surface again, how we left out for school that morning, how the day transpired and how your life ended and how my day ended.  I'll never forget the pain I felt that day.
There's guilt, a lot less these days, but there's still guilt, because I wasn't there.  Of course, what would I have done?  I'm not sure I could have done anything or what would have happened!
The what-ifs drive me crazy!!  Sometimes I feel like I'm going out of my mind!  But most days I have adjusted well and I'm only crazy because of "normal" busy stuff!
You know, they have this thing called Facebook now!  You would enjoy it!  It gives us a chance to connect with people in word and in picture, that we wouldn't be in contact with otherwise!  It makes it so easy!  Anyway, on your birthday and on today, my FB (that's short for facebook) page BLOWS UP!  Friends and family talk about how much they miss you and how much they love you and how much you changed their lives for the positive!  You see, you have left an awesome legacy!  You have left a positive mark on this, sometimes, cold cruel world!  In your short time, you taught people how a word, a smile or even a giggle could change their day and in turn, their life!  You have left behind changed people, because of who you are and what you stood for!  It's amazing!
Anyway, on days like today the pain is more than usual, I'm reminded of how close we were and how you were always my best friend (something I have had to come to terms with lately) and how I hung onto your coat tails, just to get a glimpse of the positive life you led and to have the fun you were having!  You danced when everyone was watching and no one else was dancing and it just didn't phase you, you never looked around to see if someone was joining you, it just didn't matter!  You weren't afraid to say what was on your mind, but you did it in a way that was positive (you were so before your time)!   All those great memories and who you were make me miss you more, but on today, I'm not sure if I hurt more for me or more for your other friends and family---they hurt too!  They miss you too!  There's such an outpouring of love for you and the legacy you left.  You were such a positive influence on your family and friends that you will never be forgotten and I think your friends and family, love deeper, give more and live life better because you were apart of their lives!  I know I do!
I wish every day that your niece and nephews could've met you!  I wish they KNEW the Aunt I talk about!  But your legacy has given me lots of positive stories to tell them!

Anyways (as you would've said), I'm writing to tell you that I miss you desperately, that your love changed my life and that I'm so lucky to have you as my Sister!  I just wish you were here and we could run to the store together or meet for coffee or even share a margarita! doggonit!  I'm angry at times, I'm sad at times and sometimes I'm just bitter!  But most days, I'm happy!

I'm so proud to call you my Sister!  The legacy you have left behind, leaves me alot to strive for!  But I promise to always strive for that, to strive for the positive and to leave this earth, when the time is right, as a positive to those I know and love, just the way you did!

Sometimes, I just want you to know how much I miss you and love you!!

Love Your Baby Sister,

PS- I like that word sister!  I don't get to use it very often any more, so when I do, it makes my heart leap!!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

It's Been Awhile!!

Yep, it's been awhile!
It's not that I don't think about you, my blog!
It's not that I don't want to stop and check in!
It's not that I don't have time!
It is that, what is heavy on my heart is not to be shared!
My kiddos are older now and are concerned about what I share.
So, I stopped for a moment and got my act together!
Got my kiddos act together!
Assured my kiddos I wouldn't share what they don't want too!
So..............Here I am!  And it's good to be back!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

GET To IT!!!

I read this post on FB quite often:
Cousins are the first friends of your life. Cousins are there as childhood friends. No one will ever understand your crazy family like your cousins, even if you don't talk much lately. Re-post this if you have some of the best cousins in the world. I do!
It has always been real and alive for me...I always enjoy my cousins and feel that exact way!  But the reality of my children and their cousins blow me away!!  Nothing ever touches my heart quite like, the moments when I see my children enjoying the beauty of their relationships! 
This weekend I watched each one of my kiddos, as their cousins arrived, each age group held something special for each one of my children!
I watched as each one of them paired up or grouped up, one by one!  They poured into each other's lives laughing and giggling and getting serious from time to time!
I thanked God over and over for putting these kiddos together......
During that time, each time I thanked Him, I realized......I was thankful for the family He had brought me!
And then I looked at myself and my hubby and realized we were doing the exact same thing!
Pairing up...grouping up...cutting up....gaming up....or just plain getting serious!
I'm so thankful for the family reunion every year....but each year I become more aware of how necessary it is........
         For my Kiddos
                                     For my Family
                                                                   For my Hubby
                                                                                                 For Me!

Friday, May 20, 2011

I Miss YOU!

I miss blogging!
I miss thinking about what to blog about!
I miss journaling my day and my time!
I miss the comments!
I miss you...but I haven't left!
I'm just to doggone tired to think!
When I'm less tired, I'll blog, journal!
I really will!
I think that the stuff my kiddos and myself and hubby are going through, are typical of most US families!
So I know you understand!


Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I haven't blogged lately, on account of, the stuff, on my mind, I can't share!
I mean I could share, but my kiddos are getting older and that means there's less I can share!
But the victories are so much sweeter and they let me share those!
When I started blogging, my kiddos had no clue and didn't even know what a blog was!  Since 2007 they have learned and been through quite a bit!
Not all of it is pretty and fairy tale like!
There isn't always a rainbow involved!
Rest assured, there is always a lesson involved!!!  A BEAUTIFUL, HEARTFELT, lesson!!  I love sharing lessons!
And I will, as soon as my kiddos can read it and approve it, or make changes to it and then approve it, I will share it!
Their hearts are still beautiful, their love is still amazing!

But they still need guidance and I'm finding, as they get older, they need more guidance and they are less than willing to accept it right away!
Oh how I miss the two year old that kept me a 'not so pretty, hot-sweaty mess' all the time!
My 'not so pretty, hot-sweaty mess' is now kept on the inside and sometimes, I wish someone could see it and other times I'm thankful that no one can!
I know we will make it through this stuff and I know we will ALL be better for it!
But right now, I wish I was that 'not so pretty, hot-sweaty mess' Mom, of a two year old again!  It wasn't so bad!!

But you know, I love how God is working in them and inside their hearts!  I love the who they are turning out to be!  I love their hearts!
You know, the cool thing is, their hearts', are ALWAYS, in the right place!
Unfortunately, it doesn't always match the action!
I WISH it were easy, but I'm thankful for the path we are on!

It's not always easy, BUT it's RIGHT!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Label Me a Positive Outcome of Surving or Just Plain a Success

the word "SURVIVOR" pisses me off!!
Surviving is good..don't get me wrong!!  Surviving anything is quite amazing!
But there comes a point when you no-longer want to be known as a "survivor" you want to be known as a positive outcome of surviving!!
Does that make sense?
I want to be a success of surviving!
I have survived many of things...but I have succeeded in being a positive outcome of surviving sexual abuse, molestation!!  Incest,,  call it what you want, it's all gross and all nasty!
It just angers me to hear the words "survivor" and then it just stops!!  SURVIVOR, really??  that's it, that's where it ends???  Ummm, I don't think sooooooo!!!!
To me, survival means, making it through!  Surviving!
That's not the PROMISE I received!
My PROMISE, THE one I received, says "success"!
God doesn't tell me when the ultimate success comes, but let me tell you, just SURVIVING isn't enough!!
YES, at the beginning, SURVIVING IS ENOUGH!  
At the beginning of being abused, realizing the abuse or facing the abuse, SURVIVING is enough!
But there comes a point, when you no longer see yourself as a "survivor" and don't want to be labeled a 'survivor" any longer!
There comes a point when you want to labeled as a 'success' at surviving!
If you're one of the few that have never been abused, this may confuse you.  But if you are a survivor of any kind of abuse, I believe, you 'get' where I'm coming from!
I no longer want to be known as a survivor
HavE YOU WATCHED THE SHOW SURVIVOR???  Those people survive through there time on the show! Much as a survivor of sexual abuse!!  During the abuse and the facing the abuse, we merelly survive!
I'm no longer OK with the label as 'survivor'!
so when you introduce me to someone or you bring me to a meeting to speak or you think of me,
PLEASE, allow me to be labeled 'a positive outcome to surviving sexual abuse"!
 I need that, I need to be success of surviving!  NOT JUST A SURVIVOR!!

Saturday, April 9, 2011


Some advice for having work done in your house!!
  Hopefully a way to get it back sooner, from a woman that has been without for 4+ months!!

If you can use one, USE ONE!!

I can tell you, our contractor has already requested to go with one contractor on his own home (fire issue)!!  Uh-hummm, he learned from me, THANK GOD!!!

If I could have learned this from someone before me, I would've been thankful!!

It's different when your contracting to "build" your own home, from when you are repairing your own home!!
For some reason, everyone thinks you'll be ok, NO MATTER how long it's been, that you have been without!  Because, your not out of a home, they honestly figure your ok!!

Lettme tell you.......being without a kitchen for over 4 MONTHS is INSANE!!!!!!!!!  TOTALLY INSANE!!

We have remodelled a kitchen and we were without it for just under 3 months and that was CRAZY INSANE, BUT THIS IS WORSE!!
Having a family, having one person, in a home without a kitchen is CRAZY!  Then you add in the time.....then you add in the missed bed times, the missed dinners, the half-assed washed dishes, the NO KITCHEN thing and it's totally INSANE!!
Think about purchasing a home without a wouldn't even do it!!!  Because it's STUPID!!

I was so close to having my house back, including my kitchen!!  But STUPID me decided we needed a dishwasher to match!! 
God has blessed my family every step of the way, from the moment I heard "MOM, FIRE"!
  My entire family walked out fine and was able to grab clothes and able to grab different shoes and NONE of my photos were ruined beyond recognition!  Now some of them were burned and my heart is heavy and will never be the same, none the less, GOD has blessed us every step of the way!

Nason's, however has messed us up!!  Maybe they've saved me money!!  But they messed us up!!  I paid cash for my appliances.......and I didn't make Nason's wait for my insurance....I'll wait for my insurance!! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG......wait for your insurance!!  Let them pay what they would've and make the appliance company wait for your insurance!!!  Order early and make them wait!!  I ordered early and paid......should've made them wait for the insurance to pay......then we would have received all 4 appliances at the same time and they would have been installed by the SAME , only ONE Contractor, I hired in the beginning!!
]Needless to say, I am going to get my money back for my dishwasher tomorrow and at that time I will also fight the "installation" charge........I guess installation and delivery are the same thing these days!!  Because this Nason's just dropped and I paid for installation and guess who did the installation???
OH YEA, your right............ME the HOMEOWNER!!  

Monday, March 28, 2011

You Can't Stay Here

And you can't go home!!
4 different check-ins
3 different hotels
5 days
all within 1/2 mile of each other!
What a Spring Break for the kiddos!! 
By the time the last day of the hotel came, the kiddos were begging to go home!!

On a + side, all the hotels had pools and they enjoyed their time in them!
On the - side, we just weren't HOME!!
Floors are done 
Cabinets are in and just need a few tweaks on the cabinets!! 
Painting will be starting soon!!
Appliances are ordered!!

Sunday, March 20, 2011


Watching my children, doesn't mean I'm waiting for them to do something wrong......
It means I'm watching, I'm there, I'm available and I care!
Sometimes I get to watch as one of them, takes a situation and handles it. 
Sometimes I get to watch one of them care for another human being.....
sometimes, that person is even a sibling.
But I do watch and I do enjoy those beautiful moments!
I do watch and give correction and discipline when necessary!
But I'm here watching, available and caring.
I'm watching for the good, beautiful, ugly.
Sometimes, I'm just there to watch and not give any feedback.
Sometimes, I jump in right away.
Its whatever is needed in that kiddos life, at that moment!

I watched the other day as Adam took time for a child, he didn't even know and devoted time and energy to him........
I just watched and smiled!

I'm very thankful to be there to "watch"! 

I am there to watch when correction needs to take place.  I'm here and watching!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Stopped at the grocery store on the way home!!
Remember it's only to replace what is necessary in a house that doesn't cook, EVEN in a microwave!
Chatted with my mom on the way home and she reminded me of what was  NEEDED in our home!
Opened the garage door to bring in the groceries, that we needed!!
The moment I walked in through the garage door, I thought "whew, what's smokin'"
Oh right, the kitchen cabinets, I SET ON FIRE, are in the garage!!
When I looked up and found where the smell was coming from. all I could think was, whew, thank GOD those are out of the house!!
And then I wondered, what am I gonna smell when I open the boxes I stored stuff in!
OK!!  Let me tell you:
I have had a decent week at work!
I have been TRAINING!!!  Developing people, I LOVE LOVE LOVE, developing people!! And this people is another FEMALE (OH YEAH, we are taking over the RR too!!)
I've also heard from my niece that blesses me, I think without even knowing it!!
And I have had an interview I have BLOWN!!!!!  
 (Yep, I really think I'm staying where I am, FOR NOW)

I wondered what I would smell when we finally opened the boxes I have stored our stuff in!
And THEN, I walked into my UNFINISHED kitchen! 
I saw the cabinets we purchased, the cabinets to replace our cabinets!!
And I stood back and admired the cabinets and how beautiful they are!
'Why is it YOU bless me so much??' 
No answer
I thought about my night!  
A note from my Niece
A success at work 
A person who  embraces new things and doesn't complain
The call from my Hubby, telling me "my mom's going to love this" (which prepared me only slightly for what I was going to see)
A refusal to give in to stress, Thanks to another GREAT Niece!!  (oh yeah, my salad was amazing and I didn't have room for the bread)
And all I could do, was stand back and thank God for the PEOPLE in my life!!
Yes, the cabinets are BEAUTIFUL! But, the man that put them in is more beautiful!
I don't know why, God blesses a woman who has burnt her OWN kitchen, I only know that He does!
And the people he has blessed me to be around, is far more than the burnt smell I have left myself with! 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Cutting Mustard

As I came to the computer to blog, I was prepared to write on something positive, on the differences of each one of my kiddos.  But when I sat down, this came flooding out of my fingers and I didn't stop it!
So how does everyone do it?  How do you keep a clean house?
How is it that you are a full time Mom and keep your house to perfection, including totally dusted??
(when I was a stay at home Mom, people expected so much of me and I had to tell the kiddos all the time "I'm a Mom, not a maid)
How is it that you manage a job and a household?
I really don't know how people manage both well!  If I'm doing one right, I'm doing the other one wrong!!
How is that I can walk into your house and its clean, totally clean, right down to the dusting and everything in it's place???
I CAN'T do it, it's impossible!!  Even as I sit here and blog, I barely have enough energy to blog, let alone cleaning something!!
How do you all do it??
I have been to so many, of my friends houses, that are so immaculate!!  How do you do it??
Enquiring minds want to know, or at least I do!!
And how do you do it, without the help of the kiddos??
Or do you do it with the help of kiddos??
Do your kids have chores?
My kiddos have chores and please don't tell my kiddos if your kiddos do not have chores!! (That's just something they don't need to know and neither do I)!
I can't keep up, I can't keep it immaculate, even if everyone is doing their part!
It's lived in, ALWAYS, lived in!!
Even if we are planning a major party our house shows signs of LIVING IN IT!
Then you add the fact that I set my kitchen on fire, at the end of November, and we are living out of boxes and through construction!!  YEA, WE HAVE A LIVED IN HOUSE!!
There is always laundry to be done and even if I stay up to conquer all of it, someone does NOT walk out of the house in their PJ's and POOF there is a load of laundry!!
There's dog hair on the floor!  I think, dream, of not having dogs and then I'm sad!!!  My family is SAD!!  So the dog hair stays!
There is always dishes to be washed and they are on the counter, in the sink, in the dishwasher (if I'm lucky), on the table and in a room somewhere!!
There is always a sink or toilet or a shower that could use a scrubbing!!
So tell me, PLEASE, how do you do it?? 
Do you have Super Woman energy? 
Do you have Wonder Woman powers? 
Do you have Samantha's Nose??  What is it? 
Do you have an Alice?? 
Or do you deprive yourself of sleep and eating??

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I Agreed!

I know everyone has days like this, but this the first one I have had exactly like this!
I was preparing my burnt to a crisp kitchen for the removal of the counter tops, granite counter tops that I adore, when I grabbed the broom out of the stairwell leading to the basement!  I vaguely remember my hubby telling me about a leak!
I grabbed the broom off of the wall and saw the water, downstairs!
I was still in my PJ's at 10:30 am!
I was cleaning from the moment I awoke!  I mean after I awoke and had my 2nd cup of coffee!
When I grabbed for the broom in the stairwell I peered down the stairs and realized there was water  at the end of the stairs!  In the 3  years we have been here I have never seen water at the end of the stairs!  I knew I needed to find out where the water was coming from.  I told myself that there had been alot of precipitation in the area, so I left it off to being so much water in the area.  It must have been too much precipitation in the area at the time.
I discovered a sprinkler, from the main water pipe to our home, in our basement!  Jammie's and hair soaked, but I discovered our problem!  
I walked back up our stairs, wet, in my Jammie's (mind you I am almost 40 and as much as I work out and as many push - ups as I do, I cannot fight gravity), dialed the phone to tell my husband that it was an issue of our pipes and hubby hung up to call a  plumber!
At that very moment, someone knocked on the door.  I have people replacing a pipeline on my property right now and the people at the front door had on alot of reflective gear, including hard hats!   so I answer every knock on the door, especially those with personal protective gear on (uh-hum PPE)!
Did I tell you, I'm still in my Jammie's, uh-hum, after cleaning like a fiend and finding a sprinkling pipe in the basement!  OH YEAH, I was frickin' hot, almost wet T-shirt contest hot!! Amazing even!  One boob pointing north and one south!!
I'm not quite sure who was more embarrassed, me, as I crossed my arms several times, in several different ways,  or the Contractor, that could barely look at me and apologized for catching me on a "lazy day in my Jammie's" (if he only knew) or the foreman, the gentleman he was introducing me too that couldn't even look at me (probably for fear he would ask "could you please put a sweatshirt on and we can start over")!
We finished our conversation, hubby called a plumber and I showered and put a bra on, oh yeah, and some other clothes  too!
All I can think at this time is: "when it rains it pours"  and then I told myself "God has a promise and I believe it!  and then I told myself that I needed to look forward to the "bright sunshine at the end of the rain"!  I found promise and love, in my moments of OMG!  I also told myself "as long as there are people working on the property, even in my Jammie's, I will be wearing a bra, even if that means I have to sleep in it"!
Afterward, I reflected and I prayed! God reminded me that I don't suffer without love, that my weakness is made perfect in His strength!  And then He reminded me that it was up to me, to make sure, I was wearing  proper clothing when answering a door, because it was better for everyone!  I agreed!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Lil Moments

Sometimes I have to stand back and take it all in. 
I have to watch in order to find a new perspective. 
I found myself becoming negative and edgy and forgetting the bigger picture. 
I was getting lost in the moments!
I have to remind myself that success/failure isn't, necessarily, the end, it comes during the journey.
Of course, there is always the final result, but I could have failed in the final and succeeded on the journey.  After all, isn't the journey just as important as the final?  Just thinking.
I have stood back, watched, listened and mostly just didn't talk, just looked around and searched. 
BUT now, I'm working on it!
Working on the journey and not getting lost in the moments. 
Enjoying the journey and not getting frustrated at it. 
Changing my view point and looking at it all from a different perspective.
NOT getting lost in the moments,but seeing the bigger picture.
Sometimes, it just takes a moment to get the perspective right and sometimes it takes longer!
I'm working on the journey and not just the lil moments along the way, of course I am enjoying the journey and the lil moments along the way, but I'm not getting lost in the moments!
Finding both success and failure along the way. 
Enjoying the successes
and Learning from the failures.
The journey starts again with the right perspective.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Valentine's Day

is fun!!
maybe amazing!
We never "plan" to celebrate!
But we always do, in some way, shape or form!!
I'm blessed enough (or lucky enough) to be married to my best-friend......THE FIRST TIME!
We never plan to celebrate "sweetest day" in October and we ALWAYS do, in some way shape or form!!
(((I'd post a pic of him and I right here, but he's sleeping sound, OHHHH so sound and that makes me happy, so no pics, but picture, a happy couple, SMILING and in love and talking, cause we always talk, he's really good at talking)))))))
Any who, we do buy cards for each other, usually, on Valentine's Day and WE both make sure, usually him, more than me, make sure the kiddos are ON for Valentine's Day!!  There is nothing  better for a wife with children, than to have her husband on board with the whole "kiddos come first" thing!!!  But this year, none, uh-hhuuuummm, NONE of that happened!  No prebought cards (is that a word? if it isn't it should be)!  No chocolates. No flowers!  This year!  We were both busy and LOST in the busy!!  Even too busy for the kiddos (I'll buy them 1/2 price chocolate and cards tomorrow, hhmmmm, We're on to something here)!!  That too busy for kiddos started out hurting and ended up being REAL matter of fact!  Mommy and Daddy have been crazy busy and you all are doing well, so get it together and stop looking for the chocolate and GET YOUR CHORES DONE!!  Love Mom!
I have a hubby that likes too talk and will!  So on my way home from work, we decide that the kiddos aren't damaged and that I would leave 1/2 price chocolates and cards at home tomorrow!!  Although, I t ell him, I like it better when you do it, but OK for this year!!
But in our talking, I realize, I'm not getting a card either!  So I don't stop to purchase a V-Day card and I find, the sweetest, most kind, handwritten, note, Valentine card!! I'm blessed, very very blessed!  I'm teary because of his note, then on FB, I read several friends posts, out loud to him~ and WHOA, I'm overwhelmed!  He's with me, completely with me!  He says "awwweee" right where I would've, if he didn't take my breath away, with his "awwwee"!!
Now that's a fantastic Valentine's Day!! 

Friday, February 11, 2011

Finished With Singles!!!

Out of the single digits and into the doubles!!  
My Mitchy, the baby, turns 10 today!!
He's excited and his smile hasn't stopped!
And he LOVES chocolate!!!  (Is it possible to get "that" from the neighbor)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Always REASONS to be Thankful!!

 making my way out of being stuck in a SNUNDERSTORM!!  I found my way home, really home, with a rest day, for the first time in 12 days!  With 3 of those days, totally stuck at work!  And as much as I would like to be getting stuff done, I just can't find my way out of this warm chair, from the side of a warm fire!  I love being home and can't wait until the kiddos get home from school and even more can't wait until my hubby get's home from work (he's NOT working ot tonight, because I'm home), I love the man that gives up OT for family time and even more wife and hubby time!  But for now, I'll enjoy my 2 biggest babies ever!  My 2 biggest babies, yeah right, I mean OUR 2 biggest babies, every family member in this house has something to do with the spoildness of these two babies!! 
So tonight I get to FINALLY see my Mitchy enjoy Karate, it will be his 4th lesson and I have yet to see it!!  I have had video and pics sent to me, but I get to enjoy it in person tonight, hoping the timing lands right!  I get to take my big boy Adam to the Dr. for a check and find out how we are doing with the changes set in place!  As Adam and I speak I notice a difference, but Adam has a way of being candid with his Dr. unlike how he is with me!  So I am anxious to see where we stand and what the next step is!!  My baby girl just changed her earrings for the first time this morning and she NEEDED my help, ok so not really, but she pretended and I'm OK with that!  I'm in anticipation of having my entire family together this evening and still can't find my way out of this chair, by the warm fire, to get stuff in order and have it done so we can just sit and enjoy one another!  But did I tell you I've been tromping through this snow for 11 days in boots that weigh 50lbs each (not really, but they are heavy and the snow doesn't make them lighter) and that I have endured a few blows at work that really took me down!  DON'T worry I am rising to meet the occasion and I keep reminding myself, that what was depicted is not necessarily is only someone's version of the truth!  I've taken a few blows personally lately too, but I know, know know, love always shows through!  The truth is always behind the love!
And I leave you with the text that got me through the past few days:  I've been thinking about you alot!  I know you can get through this!  Only 2 more can do it!!  I LOVE YOU!!
And that is why it is so important to marry your BEST FRIEND!!  OF course it helps if your hubby is good at using his words and mine is!  I'm thankful!

Monday, February 7, 2011

When the Coffee isn't Enough

After knowing the kiddos were well taken care of and happy at their situation!  I was able to turn and face this at work:
Along with the rest of the Midwest!
I packed my bag and headed out!  Hoping it wasn't going to be as bad as the predictions and really hoping that I would pick my kiddos up from their snowstorm hideaway, with their grandparents, on Wednesday morning!
But much to my dislike, I had to use my packed back and even had to purchase more clothing! 
Knowing my kiddos were well taken care of and that they were actually happy about their situation, made it very easy for me to focus on what was right in front of me:  Keeping all of us, that were snowed in at work safe, keeping all of us warm and trying to keep positive attitudes and a good outlook for all of us!  In spite of the problems we had, between losing all power, to losing most power, to equipment failures, to tromping through 20 some odd inches of snow and 6 foot snow drifts in heavy boots and the lack of sleep from all!
On Friday morning, when I finally made it home, knowing I had to turn around and go right back, I was barely able to sleep!  But I did FINALLY get to see my kiddos and my hubby and their smiling faces made me feel like we had done right!  Well taken care of and happy!!
So as I begin to recover from this crazy snunderstorm 2011, I'm finding that even my coffee isn't enough for the long days and little sleep and the tromping through the snow (in boots that I promise you weigh about 50lbs each) that has taken place!
But the smiling faces of my kiddos, the fact that they were well taken care of, has given the peace I needed in order to go back to bed on this Monday morning and sleep til 10:30!!
NOW, I will enjoy my coffee!  And pray my body has recovered from the abuse I have put it through this week!!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Holding ON!

Has to keep reminding myself:
I wanted them to stay "kids" as long as possible!  But there's times, I can hear myself, saying to myself, "At that age I was......"!  There are times, I think "how immature"!!
Sometimes it's frustrating and it gets difficult!  Sometimes it's just plain annoying!  But most times, it's fun!  They are young at heart and have the understanding they need, for the age they are!
I remind myself, that I wanted them to enjoy childhood! 
There still kids and they are staying "kids" longer than what I did!
That's what I want!  It's what I have been striving to create for my children!
It's moments like these that remind children are still kids and they are NOT mini adults!

And that's just FINE with me!!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

39! WOW or not!

My 39th Birthday showed up on the 25th of this month!  It was greeted by me with a Je ne sais quoi attitude by me!!  It wasn't a big deal or a little just was a Birthday and a reason to celebrate!  Perfect for me  this year!
This year I received some great gifts, both tangible and intangible! 
two pairs of comfy socks!!  Fuzzy n warm.....not the kind I can wear to work
Flowers...beautiful colorful flowers, picked out by my children
an Awesome card...said something about the heat when I'm around my hubby :-)
A meal cooked by my Mommy!
 The act of being passed by a police officer, while I was speeding!
An amazing work day.....that gave me at atta-girl the next day!
Lots of love!  Amazing love!
Lunch with a friend
A new good book!!  2 of'em actually (one sexy and one christian self improvement) you figure it out!
Beautiful, possibly gorgeous, kitchen cabinets on order and the promise that they would be amazing!
A new coffee mug that makes me tear up every time I see it!
Cheesecake with two VERY good friends that make me laugh, smile, cry and live life for real!
The reality, of the joy, that I married my best friend!
The anticipation of another celebration........ (Yay me)!!
The overwhelming well wishes on FB from friends and family both past and present!
The reminder that prayer changes everything!
A Birthday wish, that wished me a Happy 25th Birthday  :-)
An AMAZING bottle of wine that went really well with pizza (probably would've gone well with anything for that matter)!
The Word that changed my mindset on my Birthday and every day!
Another chance to tell the truth!
A clean house and laundry done (as done as it gets in my house)!
A beautiful necklace pendant from my Mom's trip to Croatia!
The beauty of my Dad calling me to wish me a Happy Birthday, on my actual Birthday (first time in my life he got the date right, without my mom at his side)!  Amazing!!!!!
I received a better perspective, I had a good perspective, but now it's gooder!!!!!
One entire year to reach the goals, I have set for myself,  by the age of 40!!!
My 39th Birthday was AMAZING, it showed me, even more, how blessed I really am!
Thanks God for my 39th Birthday and for making it so beautiful!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Family Friendships Are Personal To Each Member

I find one of the most beautiful relationships for me to watch, that blesses me over and over is when I have a friend that enjoys my children.  One that creates a bond with them and enjoys them for who they are, good, bad and ugly!

I hear my single friends talk about when is the right time for their children to meet a new friend and how careful they are about who, when and how they meet them!!  I realize that my hubby and I do the same thing!  I'm cautious about when my children meet a new friend of mine and who they meet!
Realizing this made it all the more beautiful.....
When I listened to my friend talk about my boy
I listened to his perspective and their relationship and how much he really cares about my son...
And then my mind goes back to the day my husband introduced us to him and how careful he was for the right time and place!  I remember questioning my husband and being sooo cautious! 
My hubby assured me
This new friend came in and shook my sons hand, at the time he was probably around 9 years old.   Their relationship has been one of trust, honor and love!  It's so sweet...he is someone my son has found to be honorable and someone to model his life after, a good role model, if you will! 

We have so many relationships and our family has family friends, but I stopped and realized how different each one of our relationships are with each friend.  It's such a neat thing to stand back and REALLY look at!

And that's when you realize how much your friends bless you, but when they are a blessing to your children, the blessing is more abundant than one could have ever imagined!

Friday, January 21, 2011


I know what I've taught them,
I'm just not quite sure, sometimes, what they learned!
 And then it seems,
I discover
What they learned!
And sometimes, I just say, OK!

Monday, January 17, 2011

this one time......

ya, at band-camp!!  lol.  At least that's what I told her!
I listened to many dreams, very early in the morning....even though I was an early riser, I wasn't ready to "listen" until much later in the morning!!  I only "functioned" first thing!
This one time........or after a few times.....I learned how to listen and enjoy, first thing in the morning!  I don't know if this kiddo will ever know or realize what she taught me, when I was supposed to be caring for her!
This one time....or quite a few times..... my friend taught me what it is to laugh at life.....and to enjoy and not to sweat the stuff that doesn't count!
This one time.....or quite a few kiddo taught me to sing out loud, again, in the car!!  As loud as we can!
These last few kiddo taught me....that, I still don't know anything about raising kiddos and that I need to continue to pray on it and listen to learn how to do it!
This one time.......OK maybe a few kiddo reminded me of what it feels like, when we 'need' to be totally cuddled!!!!
This one time.....or quite a few times, in Mom reminded me of how much I really need her!!  As much as I try to prove, I can do it on my own, I realize how much I can't!!  And my Mom comes thru where I am lacking!
This one time, or many times, my hubby shows me how much he loves me, even though I am so concerned with what is going on with "me" and only "me"!!
I learned and continue to learn that, no matter what I think I know, I still don't know and I still don't understand!
This one time, or quite a few times, I learned how to really listen. when I "shouldn't" even be awake!!
This one time, OR several times, I have been taught, that it is necessary to "run by" a friends house when I barely have the time!
This one time I learned, much I really enjoy my house......specifically,  my kitchen!!
This one time..........I learned it's better to hug than to holler!!!  I'm happy I learned that in one time!!
this one time..........several times.......I learned what it's like to be there for someone else!!  It's far better than having someone there for me!!

I can tell you that my thinking started to change, when this one kid started making me listen early in the morning........but the truth is, it started far earlier......this one time when I met this one person and it was this one time......someone wasn't afraid to tell .......and this one time, I wasn't afraid to listen!!  

Thursday, January 13, 2011

No Answers

One difficult part of being a Christian is NOT having the answers!!
And then also, not coming up with some hoity-toity answer, some sort of psycho-babble, just to try to have an answer.
Sometimes, someone asks a question or wants to know the whys and there isn't an answer at the time.
Sometimes it means you just hold them and listen to their questions and you don't give an answer.
I often ask questions out loud, just for my own sake.  Knowing there isn't an answer or that I may not need to know or that the answer will not unfold, in my lifetime.  It's tough and it's easy.
Understanding there isn't always an answer makes it easier to put things down and find more trust, but just as easy to pick them back up again, because we live in a time of ANSWERS!
As I held my Aunt last week and she talked about her loss and she wanted to know the whys....I found myself speechless...helpless.....and just plain, unhelpful.  But I don't think she was looking for me to answer, she was looking for understanding and that there's validation in her questions and her wanting to know why.  It isn't a bad thing. 
What I have discovered for myself is, those moments of wanting understanding, bring on a stronger prayer, a more diligent prayer!  Also, it encourages faith.  As God answers, that He loves me and He's holding me through it all......there's a faith that rises, more and more each time.  For me, each time I ask questions, whether out loud or in secret, whether or not I get "that answer", I'm validated by asking them!  I discover I'm not alone and I'm not CRAZY!  Unfortunately, it doesn't mean I don't ask again, it means my faith grows stronger, because I have the courage to ASK! 
Funny thing is, I can tell myself, before asking, that I'm being faithless and I'm not trusting.....but when I do ask I find strength and courage in the questions......I find my faith is stronger
Because I trust God enough to ask.
Think about difficult is it to say "I don't know" or "I don't get it" or to just stand there and listen knowing you don't have the answer and the person asking the questions knows it also.........
Is it the fear of rejection or the fear that someone may see whats really going on inside, or is it fear of trusting someone else with our feelings....any one of them is fear and a deeper look inside my heart...So of course, I chose carefully where and when I ask the questions and of whom I say it out loud in front of...
I tell you what, being on the other side and just listening and knowing I won't have the answers sometimes will start out leaving me in a place of despair and then I look up and I realize, not every question is looking for an answer....but every question is looking for trust, faith and love, a sense of validation!
So I say "I just don't know why but I love you all the same and I'm ready to listen, without answers"!  Translated:  I don't know why, but I know Who to go to and I'll pray!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Both Paths Cross

This week has been hard and hectic and stressful!
I've learned that my kiddos get even more "stressed out" now, and mommy can't fix it.
They have to learn to cope and find their own way through.  I can help guide and give advice.  But it's up to them to decide whether to accept my help or reject it.  I can pray and watch, but I can't "fix it" for them!
At work I have finally accepted the fact that, everyone brings home with them!  It's impossible to separate and leave home at home and work at work.   I have accepted this to a point in the past, but this week, I really realized it's value and the toll it takes on everyone.
As you learn each other, because we spend so much time together, we become invested in each others lives, whether we realize it or not and whether we want it or not.  We are together at work a large portion of our day.
I always thought, I was keeping it separate and this week I came the realization that I don't.  I talk to my family on the phone while I am at work, I become irritated, frustrated, happy, excited, etc after talking on the phone to them, my family changes my mood while I am working and my coworkers see it!  They may not say anything and I may not say anything but it does affect me while at work.  To an extent, I can control this, NOT completely.  I'm invested in the lives of my family and my coworkers.
As I listened to my husband talk about his coworkers this week, I realized we are both invested in their lives and I don't even know them, but he cares for them, so I do!
I'm not sure how it is "supposed" to be, but I do know how it is.  I do know that it affects both ways both home and work.
I've always heard the line "leave work at work" and the other line "leave your home life at the door when you get to work"!  I've also heard this one several times "leave your feelings in your glove box".  It's impossible.  Maybe only for me and maybe only for a few, MAYBE some people do that, but I haven't experienced it some extent each part of our lives cross the other part.  It's human!  Right?  God created us to care and love one another, so isn't that the only way?
It really hit me this week at a funeral.....
Have you ever notice how many coworkers come to a persons funeral?

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year!!

My prayer
May 2011 find you very blessed!
I hope that 2011 finds you loving more openly
talking more and texting less
hugging more and holding grudges less
finding happiness more and searching to be angry less!

May 2010 have given you
lessons learned and a better way to do things
Hoping you carry that to 2011~~
I pray that the heart ache and hurt from 2010 find more healing in 2011
May your mistakes of 2010 be a life lesson for 2011 and beyond!!

I pray you remember a good memory from your past and forget a bad memory from your past!
I hope you find more aching belly laughs than belly aches!
I pray you have more HEALTHY days, than unhealthy days!

I pray you make a good friend and find an old friend!
That you seek the wisdom of someone with experience and that you share wisdom with someone without experience!
I hope you speak up, when you don't want too, but your heart is screaming!

I pray you hug a stranger and feel better for it!

I pray you have a dream and you seek it out!
I pray that you have short-term goal and you see it to success!

I hope you find time to visit more and run less!
I pray you MAKE time to go see a family member, just for funsies!

I pray you have a good cry and at the end you find a resolve!

I pray each night you go to bed with a positive thought on your mind!
I pray that instead of sleeping angry, you find a way to resolve it and you sleep CONTENT!

I pray that you hug the young ones  more than you yell at them!
That you look into the eyes of the ones you love more than you look away!
I pray you think about yourself less and others more!
I pray you give up a lil "ME time" for a lil more "US time"! 

I pray you find yourself praying for those (military, police, fireman, FBI, etc)  that protect us more than you find yourself damning the government!

I hope when your served your jury duty notice, you find yourself thinking of those that have relied on jurors, more than you find yourself trying to get out of it!

I hope your late for work because you are being there for someone and that you are on time for work, in spite of crazy traffic!!

I pray you sleep less in order to love more, but you feel more rested than ever!
I pray you spend an entire night on your knees praying and an entire day on your side sleeping!  (isn't your side the only way to sleep)!

I hope you have more good hair days than bad hair days
I hope you find the perfect jeans and spend less money seeking them out!

I pray you find yourself super cold only to be warmed by the one you love holding you close!

I pray your stop trying to understand and leave it in Gods hands, that you have the understanding of not understanding! 
I pray you find peace even in the midst of chaos!

I pray you try something you've never tried
I pray you "do" something spontaneously! 
I pray you follow the heart that God gave you!
I pray you never feel alone and if you do, you take the chance to reach out and let a friend know how your feeling!

My prayers all day long were for my family and friends for 2011.  2010 left behind life lessons, broken hearts, successes and failures!   A perfect mix to make 2011 a better year!

If you doubt what I say, I pray you put it into Gods hands, fully, for a day and watch your life change!