I cannot believe it has been 20 years.....

So it is October 13, 2007.

20 years ago I lost my sister because someone made the choice to take her life!
Yes, it still hurts, and yes I still miss her! Yes, I think about her daily. We were 13 months apart and even closer as friends and as sisters! I think we shared an awesome relationship. I am thankful for the 15 years I had with her and for her 16 years on the earth!

No, I don't think God did this to me. Yes, I think God worked things for GOOD!!!

So today I kept my family close. Took them shopping and out for lunch for Pizza!! No, the kids didn't know why they weren't allowed to go on with their friends, all they knew was mama wanted them close. My husband knew and my mom who was with us needed this closeness also! I talked with my dad today, he just kept busy, very busy! I know it hurts him and I wanted him with us today, but God had other plans for him and as long as God is keeping him close and Dad is keeping Him (God) close, my dad will be fine!!

We shopped, they bowled, we took pictures, we ate and they acted silly and even got a little serious once!! The dog even got in on it!!
I am still a mom, I am still a wife I am still a child of God I am still a sister to Windy and still a daughter to my mom and dad. I still have so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to. Life is awesome and can be sad, one thing for sure, God's love is forever and always His love is through it all!!!!!!!

One song kept popping in my head today: Don't Blink There is another one I think of often, it was the song Windy was named after by the Association (an oldy) and always brings tears of joy to my eyes!

I know life would not have ended up the same but I wish she was here to enjoy it with me. I wish I had a sister to share with I wish so many things.... I do not have to wish for the closeness of family and family and friends I think of like sisters and enjoying watching my children call people aunt and know that I absolutely feel they are my sisters and they are their aunts! God can redeem all for good.

I remember my sister's First Communion that meant so much to her, I remember watching her make her Confirmation and her friend Kelly standing in with her, the way she answered the Bishop's questions with confidence! I remember the first time, the only time, she told me she was in love!! I remember my mom teaching her how to drive and laying down in the backseat because it was a little unnerving!!

2o years and not one person can take away memories, I have them and love my memories!! Thank God for Grace and Mercy and Love!!!

Thank you to friends and family who have and continue to pray. Please pray for my mom and dad I want them to make it through the next 10 years with Grace, Mercy and Love only God can Grant!!

Pondering

I find myself pondering on the "what could have been" these days. October 13th will be the 20 year anniversary of losing my sister. So many times it doesn't phase me and so many times it does. I'll continue to explain in my next postings, since this seems to be on my mind lately.

Would I be married to Larry?

Would I have the same children?

If yes to these, would they have cousins from their Aunt Windy?

Where would she live, and would she be married?

Would she have really gone to college for Photography and where?

How many things worked to the better or worse because of this?

Many more questions I have, but most days I don't even ask, because this is what it is and it is!!

Let me explain a little more:

The day we had Windy's funeral, I can remember collapsing in my chair at the cemetery. I instantly, the day she was murdered, stopped believing there could be a God. Because I stopped believing in God or any faith the day we buried her body, I had to believe that that was the end. That was very hard to swallow, I had made my choice though (at that time)and there was nooooo Happily ever after, it was done and over. I was 15 and my sister was 16.

Since then and through plenty of prayer, mine and others (the others don't even know how much their prayer worked), I see the Happily ever after. That there are choices and that we suffer the consequences for choices our choices and other peoples choices.

I guess what I am trying to say is that God, The Holy Spirit, Jesus, The Father, The Son, are all gentlemen and they don't force faith on us. They gently guide us, if we are willing. They wait for the call of help by us and the willingness to accept the help. I honestly believe that people suffer because of the choices other people make for themselves. I also believe that God can make all things good, that every good and perfect gift comes from Him, and it is not always something good to something good, it can be that what one meant to Hurt God can turn to good. Yes, yes, yes the pain in my heart is real but I know that Windy knows how much I love her and how things would not have turned out the same, life would be different, better or worse, I don't know, just different!!