This is just an outlet for me, to be able to get my thoughts out! I am a Woman, Wife and Mommy that also works outside the home! Just me trying to make it all work for the best for my family and myself! Just my journey!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


I find myself pondering on the "what could have been" these days. October 13th will be the 20 year anniversary of losing my sister. So many times it doesn't phase me and so many times it does. I'll continue to explain in my next postings, since this seems to be on my mind lately.

Would I be married to Larry?

Would I have the same children?

If yes to these, would they have cousins from their Aunt Windy?

Where would she live, and would she be married?

Would she have really gone to college for Photography and where?

How many things worked to the better or worse because of this?

Many more questions I have, but most days I don't even ask, because this is what it is and it is!!

Let me explain a little more:

The day we had Windy's funeral, I can remember collapsing in my chair at the cemetery. I instantly, the day she was murdered, stopped believing there could be a God. Because I stopped believing in God or any faith the day we buried her body, I had to believe that that was the end. That was very hard to swallow, I had made my choice though (at that time)and there was nooooo Happily ever after, it was done and over. I was 15 and my sister was 16.

Since then and through plenty of prayer, mine and others (the others don't even know how much their prayer worked), I see the Happily ever after. That there are choices and that we suffer the consequences for choices our choices and other peoples choices.

I guess what I am trying to say is that God, The Holy Spirit, Jesus, The Father, The Son, are all gentlemen and they don't force faith on us. They gently guide us, if we are willing. They wait for the call of help by us and the willingness to accept the help. I honestly believe that people suffer because of the choices other people make for themselves. I also believe that God can make all things good, that every good and perfect gift comes from Him, and it is not always something good to something good, it can be that what one meant to Hurt God can turn to good. Yes, yes, yes the pain in my heart is real but I know that Windy knows how much I love her and how things would not have turned out the same, life would be different, better or worse, I don't know, just different!!


  1. Chrissy, what a tender post. Thank you so much. After watching the (first) Butterfly Effect movie I wondered the same thing. What would be different if Dad didn't die? I think about you and your family's loss often. When Holly was here we found a picture of Wendy, you, your mom and Aunt Venetta. You girls were so young! Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt topic.

  2. Sorry, I meant Windy. What you said about at first losing your belief in God... For me it was the opposite. Because I knew I couldn't accept the fact that he was just "gone", I had to find another belief system. I appreciate your wise words.

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a hard time sharing my grief and thoughts like this and I found your openness and honesty in this post to be very refreshing.

    I've struggled this week with the anniversary of my Moms death and someone just told me tonight to draw from my past but not let my past draw from me...I thought these words might be appropriate to share with you.

    Sending {{{{HUGS}}}} your way.

  4. You are still so very brave, you were brave during the funeral and are very brave now. To share your thoughts and feelings can only bless others - may that be reflected back upon you too. And by reading through some of your blogs it has! I am delighted to discover you again after all these years.
    cousin Mary

  5. Thank you for are a right, it is just different...never will you know and you will only drive yourself crazy...we will never understand. But I am glad that you had so many keeping the faith for you. You know I never met Windy, but I am sure knowing the person that you are and her being the big sister that you carry a lot of her inside of in a way I did get to know some of her qualities and as all of your friends are so proud of you for the wonderful person that you are....I am sure she is shining down on your from doesnt does go on and on! I love you chrissy!