This is just an outlet for me, to be able to get my thoughts out! I am a Woman, Wife and Mommy that also works outside the home! Just me trying to make it all work for the best for my family and myself! Just my journey!

Friday, July 31, 2009

completely transparent

My blog or journal this evening, early morning, could be about so many things. I could write about how I cleaned and cleaned the home tonight in hopes that my Larbo wakes up and is blessed, I want to be a better friend to him. I could write about the dressing room that I have and that I have finally started decorating and making my own, courtesy of my MIL! I could write about how my children have grown and are now, all making plans, completely on their own and then informing mommy of what they will be doing that day (I mean asking permission to do)! I could write about the renewed relationship with my Grandmother (this I will be posting about soon), I could write about so many things, but tonite, I want to be completely transparent to myself, so I will write about what is heaviest on my mind (there's something new, LOL)!

I have been working in my position for 1 year and 9 months! I enjoy what I do, but I did not get to this point by myself, I did not immediately enter into this Mechanical Foreman position and totally know what I was doing! So many greay people have helped me along the way! The support at home is always good, the guidance from the "higher managment" has been good, but the "on the job" training I have received and those I work with daily, has been, by far, the most helpful and the most "eye opening"! My coworkers, the ones I manage (if you can call it that) are heaviest on my mind tonite, there is one co-worker/friend who is heaviest on both my heart and mind tonite.

Because of working every shift, every week, I get the true blessing of working with almost every employee in my little area. But, there is one that I get to work with more than others, his name is Russ, this is my friend that I am writing about, we know each other because of the job, but we became friends because of who Russ is! I honestly believe Russ has had my back from the beginning, the thing that sets him apart from the other employees, is that I consider him a friend! I do work along side of him more than any other employee.

OK, take a minute and remember my "New Years Resolution", if you could feel the pain in my heart right now (OH MY)! The need for that Resolution becomes more and more apparent every day, the more I think I am working towards it, the more I realize the necessity in my resolution and how I have consistently failed being a good friend!

Point Blank:

I put Russ in a bad position, back in February and when he confronted me with it, he was angry and he yelled at me! My response, was not to be "treated this way" and I walked away. Walking away, when being yelled at is ok, as long as I come back and face the problem quickly, taking into account that my friend was trully hurt, by my actions! Coming back and facing the problem quickly is where I have totally failed!

Not coming back, is like your friend having a splinter in their toe and you have both the tweezers and the alcohol and you chose not to use them, it is just like looking at your friend and saying, "hmm does that hurt? Do you want me to help?" and your friend says "yes" and you act as though, you haven't heard their response!

What month are we in? Oh my we are really at the end of JULY and going to August and I have walked away from this issue for almost 6 months, ruining the best friendship I have at work! I work with Russ more often than I get to work with anyone else! Russ has had my back since the day I showed up at Cicero Roundhouse and about 1 week ago another Supervisor came to me and said, "Russ said, all you have to do is apologize"!


Why didn't I just come back the next day and say "I am so sorry that I put you in that position"? Why didn't I come back one week later and say that same line?

I know why,

I am so worried/concerned about being RIGHT, that I forget that I really really really, can just be WRONG! I can admit being wrong to my husband and my children, why can't I tell the one person, I know, is on my side at work?

Because, I will have to admit, that as hard as work at "ALWAYS" being right that many times I am just plain wrong.

Truth be told, 90% of my life is spent being wrong, but the good thing is I can usually admit to that! Why can't I admit to that at work?

I can write about my "goals" at work and how I want to make the company, I work for, an equal opportunity employer!

I can write about all the junk I have been through lately.

I can write about not being "treated in that matter"!

The truth is, I just didn't want to admit to being "wrong" at work, it hurts, it so hurts to be wrong at a place where I am trying to prove "I have the right to be there and have the ability to handle it"!

This is how I am going to try to change what I have wronged:

I am going to go to work tomorrow evening, I am going to call my friend and I am going to apologize to putting him in a "bad position"! I am not going to let him "off the hook" for yelling at me, but I am going to take what is my responsibility and I am going to attempt to make things right and attempt to be a good friend, oh yes that is my "New Years Resolution", it doesn't mean that mine and Russ' friendship end up where it was 6 months ago, it means that this is where I need to start!

Transparency and vulnerability, really stink at first but are honestly one of those "blessings in disguise!"

Do I think everything is going to be ok after tomorrow night? Don't know, but I am going to take my responsibilty for my part and pray, hope and think positive thoughts for my relationship with Russ!

I pray things turn out good, but more importantly, I pray that Russ and his family are where they need to be!

My hardest stuff is admitting I may be wrong in some area, proving to be harder is admitting, that I KNOW, I am wrong in this part of my life with friendships!!

Friday, July 24, 2009


I posted this about 2 years ago, but I have the perfect opportunity and good reasons to post it again!

My Dad just celebrated his 60th Birthday! I am so proud and amazed by the obstacles he has made it through! He is an awesome father and an amazing Grandpa! I am so proud to call him Dad!
Happy Birthday Dad!
TO MY DAD, my amazing, awesome, wonderful dad and to the GREATEST GRANDPA EVER:
This is his Yard Railroad and it has grown and transformed since these pics, I'll try and get some new ones on here soon!!

This is a special one for me. I am so proud of my dad. Early in my marriage I went a long time with watching my dad fight a huge battle and for an even longer time just giving in to it. We have become so close in the past 6 years it is amazing. God does restore relationships, he is good for his Word, always.
Another cool thing about this is that my children absolutely adore him and could never imagine the man I sometimes recall (just so they know how far and how strong my dad is) and tell stories about.
My dad was a good father, but got lost in some things that happened and had a hard time figuring out how to cope and tried to cope in ways that really hurt himself.
Anyway, this is a passion my dad has found in the past couple of years. G gauge trains. He said he wanted to build this track and scenery in his backyard. I honestly thought it would take him at least a couple of years!!! I would say it has probably taken him less than this one summer!!!!!!
I think this is so cool, it is awesome to sit around and watch the two trains go by and see what my dad has put together with his own two hands! It made me want to share it!
Here is a picture of the bridge that he built himself over the pond and water fall he put in.
These pictures just don't do this train justice! It is still "a work in progress" I think if he were done, it could be finished, there is still so many more ideas in his head.
As you can see it is also something my children enjoy.
When we get to his house to visit, suitcases get dropped wherever (unless mom reminds them to take them in) They are on to the train. He lets them rearrange the buildings, houses and people.
When they go to train shows it is a challenge for them to find the right size pieces. It is very neat to hear my kids talk about what deals and what kind of stuff they found for the trains.
My dad has really made them feel apart of this project.

I am just so impressed by my father and the fight

he has fought and how well he continues to fight. I am so thankful for him and the restoration God has given us.
I am so close to my dad, I talk to him daily

now!! My dad is a kind and gentle man that has come through some things the hard way. He is a fighter and enjoys helping others through their battles. I am impressed by the way he doesn't hide from what he has gone through, but shares it with those who need to hear! He is a man that doesn't give up easily, on himself and on others he gives until it hurts and helps until he truly cannot any longer and to the point of hurting himself!! I just cannot tell you how impressed I am by my fathers will to fight and press on and through and passed.

Dad, this one is dedicated to you. I LOVE YOU!

I am so proud of you. I enjoy the relationship we have and even more the relationship you enjoy with Adam, Windy, Mitchell and Larry it gives me an overwhelming JOY!!!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I Am Ready

I am ready for a change, in my career! I am ready for a new challenge and I am ready for more of the railroad and what it has to offer and teach me! I am ready!
A new position posted on the web some time while I was on vacation and was still on there (for only one more day) when I returned to work!
This sounded like a great stepping stone for me, in my career! I was ready and I applied! I was so excited when I found a response in my email the very next day and I would be able to interview for this position! I was soooo sure it was right and that it would be a great way to "round out" my mechanical knowledge! Wohoo, God is good all the time! I would apply for this position that was on car-side, I currently work locomotive side! This is an awesome opportunity and at such a time where there are layoffs and furloughs and hiring freezes, whew, I beat the, or shall I say, God beat the world at it's own game again! The world has no hold on what God can do! I am going forth and doing more and bigger and better!

The interview, I thought, went well and left me even more excited!

Only to hear the very next morning, at 6am, on the AM conference call, that the position (my stepping stone position) went to someone else!

My heart, sorta dropped and sorta stayed up and going, like I knew this was only a test!! I didn't tell my boss, I had heard who got the position or that I knew it didn't go to me! I simply said "see ya later" walked out the door and headed to the service track office!

I called hubby, as soon as I walked out the door of the Roundhouse office! All I said, "I didn't get it" no tears, no nervousness, just real matter of fact, I didn't get it! I moved on and went to work!

Then I started reanalyzing my interview, I couldn't find much that I thought I had done wrong!

The interviewer, then showed up on Locomotive side (he is a car-side guy and we don't mix too much only because our jobs have us going different directions) and he asked me if I had a minute! Hmmm, of course I have a minute, you are the man I would love to work for right now and I am sad that I don't get to! So the question: Do you have a minute? is totally unnecessary!

I sit down in my boss' office with the boss I want to have and this gentleman gives me pointers on how to interview better the next time! HA, I am completely shocked and thankful! Are you serious, this man is going to help me make sure I secure the next position I apply for and he has the nerve to ask me if I have a minute!

Truth be known, I am little let down, but not held back, down or out, this only promotes my thoughts to "wow God, what is it you have for my next career move?"

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

This is Not How it Was Planned.....Part 3 and final or not!!

I wrote in Part 1 how my family and I planned and wrote in Part 2 how I continued to plan..........I write in Part 3 how I continued to plan............
I continued to adjust and plan and celebrate the life I was going to lead, or so I thought (I really thought I had everything figured out)!

Mom divorced dad and 11 days after the divorce was final, I walked into our apartment, to find my sister had been murdered. Not just beaten or shot but, violently abused and stabbed and murdered.
My big sister was gone, the one who made my friends for me and helped me plan my life, the one who made it a point to help others and found it necessary to make good grades and made a stand by being an "upstanding young woman"! The lessons my big sister is still teaching me is amazing! My big sister has always been and will always be my best friend. I have found many good friends and have found amazing friends, my husband is my best friend for me as a wife, but to be that "bestest" never! It is very difficult to explain the loss and the pit that stands in my heart, but it has been there for almost 22 years and I am sure it will always be there! I am whole, regardless of the pit, but there is a piece always aching and missing. I know those of you who have lost someone close know exactly the place I am at.
My life changed and transformed, I met amazin people and saw the beauty and the awe inside people and friends that wouldn't have come out, otherwise.
I did go onto college and I did become a Chef and I did "help" someone open a restaurant, I was involved in every part of the restaurant opening. It was fun and somewhat fulfulling, but definately not what I was looking for, not that life fulfilling, "I did it" moment!
I went on to marry my husband Larry and we have 3 beautiful amazing children together. I have met and become friends with so many "good" people along the way. I have been loved and given love in a more free matter than before.
Would I change the circumstances of what happened?
Sure I would, if I could guarantee the outcome!
I am just not sure I am willing and selfless enough, to give up what I have been given. I love my sister Windy and I miss her everyday, EVERY DAY, without fail. I miss being a sister and an Auntie, sometimes. However, I have been given so much grace, it is unbelievable, I have 4 neices and two nephews and two amazing sisters, that were cousins before hand.
I do believe God puts things together before we even know what's happening. My mom encouraged a relationship between my cousins and I and my sister long before we ever knew why it was important.
I have had amazing friends that have been in my life for a long time and some that have come later, but none who have left my heart and my mind. Once I meet a good person and friend that's where they are and I never stop thinking about them!
If I could have the life that I have and have my sister and her family involved and we would all be very close, I would accept the change, but there is no guarantee of that!
I was had a very good friend tell me, "God really knows what he is doing" and that I believe! I believe he keeps me close and has Angels around myself and my family, I believe that when my heart aches the most, is when I am hearing from my Angels and want them to transform and allow me to hug them, but I also believe that when that happens, I should be extending myself to hug someone else! I know it doesn't make sense to most, but it totally makes sense to me!
I believe that sharing stories, good and bad, allows me to become closer to my friends that are sharing them. I know there are so many people I still haven't met that have a story to share about Windy and I can't wait to hear them.
I also believe that as my children grow and I relate the stories of my sisters life and my life to them, they will show me, the true love of siblings and God will allow me to share in their "moments" and love on them while they are going through it! That these moments will help me through my on going grief.
I also believe that as my children share in the lives of their cousins, we are transforming, what it means to be a Gallagher! To be from the Gallagher family together will mean a life of closeness and kindness!! The life I remember my mom and their moms instilling! As we move on and forward, we have and will continue to change things for the better!
I don't like how I got to, where I am, but I woulndn't change it for anything! There isn't any way for me to go back in time and change things, so this is where I tell you that believe that "all things work together for the greater good of those who love HIM"! I honestly believe that, but sometimes, I have to pray for my unbelief.
Truth is, I am thankful for the life I have and I am thankful for the friends and family I have and I honestly miss my sister daily and I miss the friends I have lost to death in the process. There isn't a day that my heart doesn't ache, there isn't a day that I am not thankful for where I am and there isn't a day that I do think and pray for those who have helped to change my life "for the greater good of those who love HIM"!

It never stops hurting!