This is just an outlet for me, to be able to get my thoughts out! I am a Woman, Wife and Mommy that also works outside the home! Just me trying to make it all work for the best for my family and myself! Just my journey!

Friday, October 28, 2011

That's My Couch

And My Family Fits!!
Sometimes real well and sometimes, not so well!
I love it!
But I look at my couch and it is a reminder of what it is meant to be for!
I'm not going to lie, my last four months have been rough and they aren't over!
But my couch reminds me, there is room for everyone!
It's not a couch I would've picked, but I am thankful for the reminder it has!
My couch was perfect when I purchased it!
It fit in it's spot well and it fit everyone in my family well and it even leaves room for visitors!
After time it became broken!
But still together!
We can squeeze it together at any moment and it looks perfect!
It still fits it's space!
It still allows everyone a space!
unfortunately, it now allows people to fall through the cracks!
but room enough to be brought back up!
My family can keep it together
and even close friends and family know to "grab an end and push in"!
Sometimes its just enough for everyone to sit on
and sometimes there's  just enough room to let it fall apart!
No one pushes in, no one cares!  Everyone just falls in!  Even in the cracks!
And it just doesn't matter that some are on the couch and some are off and in between!
Because we love them all!  in between or on top!
My life is like my couch!
For a time it is perfect and right on!
And for a time it is perfectly, imperfect and so off course!
Sometimes there's only enough room for those that know what's going on!
And sometimes there's room for everyone!
And sometimes there's enough room to explain!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Letter To My Sis

Dear Sis,

I miss you every day!  Not a day goes by that I don't miss you, laugh about something you said or did, cry a little inside because I miss you so much!
I was robbed of my time with you and that doesn't go away.  Sometimes I want to jump up and down and throw a temper tantrum and tell the world how unfair this is!  But, I know better, I know life isn't fair and, like Mom used to tell us, "no one ever said life was fair"!  What a tough lesson to live sometimes.
Today is the date of your death and today it hurts pretty bad that your not here.  Today everything is coming to the surface again, how we left out for school that morning, how the day transpired and how your life ended and how my day ended.  I'll never forget the pain I felt that day.
There's guilt, a lot less these days, but there's still guilt, because I wasn't there.  Of course, what would I have done?  I'm not sure I could have done anything or what would have happened!
The what-ifs drive me crazy!!  Sometimes I feel like I'm going out of my mind!  But most days I have adjusted well and I'm only crazy because of "normal" busy stuff!
You know, they have this thing called Facebook now!  You would enjoy it!  It gives us a chance to connect with people in word and in picture, that we wouldn't be in contact with otherwise!  It makes it so easy!  Anyway, on your birthday and on today, my FB (that's short for facebook) page BLOWS UP!  Friends and family talk about how much they miss you and how much they love you and how much you changed their lives for the positive!  You see, you have left an awesome legacy!  You have left a positive mark on this, sometimes, cold cruel world!  In your short time, you taught people how a word, a smile or even a giggle could change their day and in turn, their life!  You have left behind changed people, because of who you are and what you stood for!  It's amazing!
Anyway, on days like today the pain is more than usual, I'm reminded of how close we were and how you were always my best friend (something I have had to come to terms with lately) and how I hung onto your coat tails, just to get a glimpse of the positive life you led and to have the fun you were having!  You danced when everyone was watching and no one else was dancing and it just didn't phase you, you never looked around to see if someone was joining you, it just didn't matter!  You weren't afraid to say what was on your mind, but you did it in a way that was positive (you were so before your time)!   All those great memories and who you were make me miss you more, but on today, I'm not sure if I hurt more for me or more for your other friends and family---they hurt too!  They miss you too!  There's such an outpouring of love for you and the legacy you left.  You were such a positive influence on your family and friends that you will never be forgotten and I think your friends and family, love deeper, give more and live life better because you were apart of their lives!  I know I do!
I wish every day that your niece and nephews could've met you!  I wish they KNEW the Aunt I talk about!  But your legacy has given me lots of positive stories to tell them!

Anyways (as you would've said), I'm writing to tell you that I miss you desperately, that your love changed my life and that I'm so lucky to have you as my Sister!  I just wish you were here and we could run to the store together or meet for coffee or even share a margarita! doggonit!  I'm angry at times, I'm sad at times and sometimes I'm just bitter!  But most days, I'm happy!

I'm so proud to call you my Sister!  The legacy you have left behind, leaves me alot to strive for!  But I promise to always strive for that, to strive for the positive and to leave this earth, when the time is right, as a positive to those I know and love, just the way you did!

Sometimes, I just want you to know how much I miss you and love you!!

Love Your Baby Sister,

PS- I like that word sister!  I don't get to use it very often any more, so when I do, it makes my heart leap!!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

It's Been Awhile!!

Yep, it's been awhile!
It's not that I don't think about you, my blog!
It's not that I don't want to stop and check in!
It's not that I don't have time!
It is that, what is heavy on my heart is not to be shared!
My kiddos are older now and are concerned about what I share.
So, I stopped for a moment and got my act together!
Got my kiddos act together!
Assured my kiddos I wouldn't share what they don't want too!
So..............Here I am!  And it's good to be back!