Getting married and sleeping next to the one I love every night, I thought would fix everything and make me feel more secure. It did in a sense and then it also produced guilt, which made things even worse. Sometimes my mind works overtime! Now, I felt guilty that not only was I not sleeping well but my husband wasn't either! Wow, talk about compounding a problem.
The nights of waking up were even worse, but the actual damaging to my body had stopped.
Eventually, I sought out help.
Once again, seeking the help of a professional seemed to be the only way.
Then I started picking up books and reading and praying and trying to fix myself, only to find that there was deep-seeded guilt.
The guilt of all the stuff that happened and the blaming of myself! I didn't know I blamed myself so much. Of course, I went through all that "could've, would've, should've" stuff that you go through whenever things don't turn out like we planned.
Turns out that 've stuff was pretty deep and very difficult.
I snuggled in closer and closer to my Larbo every night and he obliged, of course back then with a full size bed it was much easier!
As the days and years went on, I began to heal and it was a slow process of growth. It was difficult!
Together, Larbo and I made it! We made it through the night terrors, through the junk I never knew was clouding my mind and my heart!
We never would have made it to this point without the love of God, first and foremost and then the loads of great family and friends, God has given us then add the tons and tons of understanding from others and each other!
It hasn't been an easy road and I thought we were through this "silly" part of my life!
I do not like to dream, good or bad, I can't stand it! Or the remembering of my dreams, however you want to word it! I can't stand waking up and not feeling rested and the concern that consumes me when I sleep and then goes into my day!
I pray this dreaming stuff goes away again! I pray that God continues to work in me and makes my sleep what He meant it to be! For now, I wait patiently, snuggle back into my Larbo's arm and unfortunately mess with his good sleep (there's that guilt thing again) and pray pray and pray some more! Try to figure out where this is stemming from and find my way to better sleep once again!