This evening as I gave my Safety Briefing to my employees, I had to apologize for pushing them so hard, I had to apologize for putting my numbers before safety. I honestly didn't push them, but I was so "busy" with other stuff I wasn't aware enough to slow them down and ask them to stop! I failed my employees, the very ones I set out to protect everyday!
I was busy trying to find a way to repair a Locomotive for an "officer" train the next day! My employees, my guys, were busy trying to find a way to get through their night at work! By the time I got back to the service track, I had noticed my guys had serviced more than their fair share of units and that they should have stopped servicing locomotives a couple of hours ago! Now, not only were they tired, but they were trying to do good to make me look good! UGHhh! This is so wrong for a company to preaches safety the way we do and I preach preach preach safety! I should have been on the service track to say them stop! I wasn't I was out attempting to do a job, my employees had already attempted and knew we couldn't just do in a few moments!
I usually trust my guys, I usually follow their advise to a "T"! Why would this night be different, oh yea, My boss was pushing me further than he should have!
So, after the nightmares, after the safety interview with an employee, after being concerned for my employees all day, after being concerned for myself all day!
I stood in front of my guys, without a "line-up" and apologized for working them too hard! I answered to my boss and didn't need to and asked them to help me make our Railroad a safer place to work, and they all agreed! But, all of them fear the repercussions of our conversation during our briefing, this stinks and weighs my heart down even more!
While apologizing, one of the guys asked me "why does it look like you have been crying?" and I had to answer, because that is who I am and when I am upset and angry, either with myself or others, I cry! I am a girl and I cry!
It kills me, I try to prove everyday that I am "one of the guys" to only admit that "I am a girl"! The part that doesn't upset me is that God has created men and woman different, but he never gives us the right to be treated differently! I feel that I knock myself out daily to try to prove that I am right for my job and that I am worthy to move up and I honestly believe that I am just as good of a candidate for moving up as any man!
But some days I just cry like a girl!
Wrong or right, I just don't care, it is who I am and I am right for the job I am in, I can admit out loud that I am wrong and I can commit "out loud" to making changes, for the better and I can even request those changes at my inconvenience, because I know it isn't always about me!
So, tell me why in 2009 I feel as though I am still trying to make way for other women and not that we are treated equal to men in life and the workforce!?