This is just an outlet for me, to be able to get my thoughts out! I am a Woman, Wife and Mommy that also works outside the home! Just me trying to make it all work for the best for my family and myself! Just my journey!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Celebrate the Losses of 2009 in 2010.....I'm Not Sure I'm Ready For This Step

as I prepare myself for a memorial tomorrow, for friend that passed away in 2009, my heart immediately starts to ache.
Not for pretend and not my imagination, a real live ache, it hurts and of course it makes me cry! 
There were so many people that passed in 2009 that had my heart!  Each one had a direct effect on my life and are part of the person I am today.  Considering the fact that, I like who I am today and I know where I was headed a long long time heart aches more!
I could have easily chose a path for my life that would have ended early in complete failure....but because I have so many loving people in my life, the easy road was NOT a choice!
Memorial part:
Each of the people, I lost in 2009, had an amazing impact on my life.....I can remember specific conversations, moments and looks from each one of them, that honestly, made the difference...for me!
Each person I lost, made a difference for me, for the positive!
I can never just remain on the positive!  My mind always goes back to what I have lost, what I am missing and what has been stolen from me!
Pretty selfish, you are saying by now.......yep your right, totally selfish!  This post is very selfish and completely about me........heck this whole blog is about yep, this is a selfish part of my life. The truth is, as selfish as I am, I know there are others that are going through the same junk and can I post!
I prepare for tomorrow, you do realize memorials are supposed to celebrate the life of the person you are remembering!  I pray for tomorrow!  I ask God to help me not to cry and I know I will cry and I will be thankful for the release.  I prepare for tomorrow and it continues to bring up the losses of losses, my lost moments of opportunity to see each one of them, one more time, my worry, my job, my time, my fear...all got in my way of the "one more moment" with each one of them. 
As my heart continues to ache, I hear "words of wisdom" and it just makes me mad and hurt....later, I realize, I am blocking the love I have been looking for!
There's a void in my heart.....a huge VOID.......where each one of these people filled and I am blocking it!
2009 took alot of very loving, kind, caring, life changing, hold my heart people from me....
Still I know who is in charge and at the end of each prayer I pray (for myself and others) where I end it in:  I DON'T KNOW WHY AND I DON'T KNOW THE BECAUSE AND THE HOW COME.........but (BUT should be big) I am on-board and I do believe and I know who holds the future!
Somewhere, either during, after, much later or before, I get the same answer.....
and the answer tells me that I am blocking the fill for the void I feel in my heart! 
I hear/feel that I am being told that.....the love that was once shared between myself and each one of these individuals, is right where it has always been, in my heart and that I am the one blocking it from continuing in my life.....
I prepare for tomorrow, a day in 2010, for a life that ended in 2009 and I'm not sure I am ready to leave the loss in 2009.
Celebrate the Losses of 2009 in 2010.....I'm not sure I'm ready for this step......
it hurts, really really hurts, my heart aches.
I'm the one blocking the love that was shared and I'm the one that is creating the void.....I need to allow myself to continue to enjoy these relationships and enjoy where each one has brought me and is taking myself and my family to.....I hold the key to fill the void
I prepare for the memorial tomorrow by planning for the future and remembering, sharing and giving credit for the past!

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