This is just an outlet for me, to be able to get my thoughts out! I am a Woman, Wife and Mommy that also works outside the home! Just me trying to make it all work for the best for my family and myself! Just my journey!

Sunday, September 30, 2007

I am about to be truly honest...

some days and months are harder than others. I love my husband and my children and feel truly blessed. I have good family and good friends. Just because I have all this doesn't stop the Pain I have been in going on 20 years, no it does not stop and it doesn't go away, most of the time we go on as if nothing happened.

I truly loved my sister Windy. She was my best friend and I miss her daily. Yes I have close cousins and their kids I call my nieces and nephews, I love them as though they are. There is a piece of my heart that died 20 years ago, I don't know if it will feel anything ever again, it doesn't sadden me, it makes me feel joy, because that is the piece of my heart for my sister, my Windy.

A man made a choice almost 20 years ago to take her life. I would never wish this on my worst enemy and normally I would never burden anyone with the guilt of the pain I feel. But here you choose to read or to comment and here is where I feel I can talk and write and not worry about what anyone else thinks. This is about me!!

My kids will not ever know their aunt, I can tell them about her and compare them to her. But they missed the opportunity of knowing her. They will never get to make their own opinions of her. I will never get to call her on the phone and say: This is bothering me, can you help? Or say I love you or your niece or nephew want to talk or spend time with you!!

My husband has this with his sister, they are not as close as my sister and I. We were 13 months apart and close. Same friends, same parents, and lots of the same hard choices in front of us. We were going through the same junk when she was killed!

I miss her, I wish my kids would have met her. I hate, hate, seeing my parents hurt over the loss of her. I guess the pain does, die or we learn how to get over it, or like I say get over it or go around it. It never really stops!


  1. I'm so sorry about your pain Chrissy. I have a brother that passed away. However, he was an infant at the time so we were never as close as you and your sister. I had no idea this was something you had/have to endure in your life. Once again, I'm so sorry for your loss and pain.

  2. I tried to post a comment earlier, but I guess I did't complete the action. I feel your grief, as I read your blog about the sadness of Windy. The waves of grief come in different ebes. Keep writing and writing about your wonderful sister. Feel the sadness, feel the joy of her beautiful short time on this earth. I recently was in Missouri/Kansas and with my aunt and cousin looked at pictures of Windy. We exchanged wonderful memories and how strong your family has been over the years. How courageous. I send my love.
    Your Cousin, Holly in California

  3. This is one of the reasons I think of you as the one of the strongest people I know. To have gone through this hoffific experience, and continue to live and love through the pain, shows your strength, and your trust in God. It always hurt me to see you hurt so much when that date would roll around every year. My prayers continue with you, even though I don't get to see you.

  4. I 'm never good at writing things that I myself have never gone through, but I realize this pain of missing a loved one never goes away. I wish you and your family continued strength.

  5. I'm so sorry for your tragic loss Chrissy. I can't imagine that grief. I pray God would continue, year after year, to heal your heart. You are a beautiful testimony of His love and encouragement. There is so much beauty in that, in light of all you've endured..

  6. Chrissy -- When I met you last evening, I could never have imagined what you have been through. Having read a few of your posts, it comes through that you have a strong faith that has seen you through some very hard times. I am honored to have met you. May God continue to bless you and honor your constant commitment to him.