I think it's because I have to admit I'm wrong and I hate being wrong, I HATE doing something wrong. It leaves a pit in my stomach and an ache in my heart.
Even more difficult and heart-wrenching is apologizing to my children. I'm supposed to teach them right all the time and when I do wrong and I realize it, the guilt is horrendous..........and then to make it right and show them right, I have to admit the wrong and ask for their forgiveness and honestly, I have to be willing to accept that, my child/children may not be ready to accept the apology or forgive me!
Now that's tough stuff!
The positive is.....my kiddos are usually very forgiving and today wasn't any different!
More positive........today created a new openness in our family, another channel to open up through.
My oldest kiddo has always been extremely (really extremely) open with me. I want that with all my kiddos. Lately, my oldest kiddo has begun to close himself in. I've tried to pull, I've prayed and I've even tried to wait on him. I pray the waiting is over and I have my openness back with my oldest!
Only time will tell.
Y'know I knew that as my kiddos got older the things they deal with would get more difficult, but I didn't want them to go through it, I didn't want them to have to deal with that difficult stuff. Truth is, they have too.....they have to learn how to cope, they have to learn how to solve problems and if Mom's always "jumping in" they won't learn any of that!
I'm learning how to take the back seat in my kiddos lives, I'm learning how to wait on them, I'm learning how to let them pray their own prayer......but it's hard......I want to take care of everything for them. I know that, if I do that, I'm doing them an injustice and I'm NOT training them up in the way the should go! I have to learn how to let them "own" their mistakes and "own" the solution (even if it's the wrong one).
After all that's been said, I need to learn how to apologize gracefully and own my mistakes with them, even if it's apologizing for the mistake I made, after I apologized for the first mistake!!!! UGH
I WISH I HAD THIS PARENTING THING FIGURED OUT AND EXECUTED IT PERFECTLY, ALL THE TIME!!!
I'm so thankful that, even as a parent, I'm allowed to apologize and that I'm allowed to be forgiven and that I CAN be taught the right way to parent. I'm also thankful that my kiddos know that I DON'T have it all figured out..........I hope, they have at least learned "the apology" from me!
My mother tells me that she always prayed that God would increase the things that she did right as a parent in her children and decrease the things she did wrong as a parent. I find myself praying the same thing...its very comforting.
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