Many of you already know that I have been married to Larry for going on 14 years! BUT, many of you don't know that they have not been all great.............
Larry asked me, the other night "why did you stay with me when I was mean?"
When I heard him ask me this question, I was very distraught.
I can remember the early years of our marriage being, not-so-great! I was going through so much! And he was learning to be a husband to a woman going through so much!
My parents divorced, finally,when I was 15, after my sister begged, and I mean begged my mom to leave. I remember my sister, Windy, saying, "you leave him or I leave you." This was my dad, my amazing daddy! It was hard and no one else in our extended family knew what was going on, because my mom was soooooo good at being a mom, aunt, wife and friend!! This was too unbelievably hard for me, I went back to stay with my dad. But, when I got hungry and Grandma wasn't bringing food I needed to call mommy to bring me home, and she did. And then I went back to Daddy and when I was hungry AGAIN, Mommy came and picked me up again!
Now, there are other things in my childhood that I am not ready to blog on yet, but they added to my mixed up emotions at that time!
A few months later we lost Windy. By someone who chose to take her. This added to my mixed up feelings.
A couple years later I found myself in love with the man I married, but I went to college anyway and graduated! I know and Larry knows I needed to do this!
I came home and we got married!
He was not always nice but I was (for lack of a better word) a bitch!!!!!! And if you didn't live with me back then you have no idea. He supported me through career choices and meeting the demands of parents and keeping a relationship with daddy (he wasn't doing well). I decided I needed counseling yet again and I went! This one told me maybe medication would help and my words were "no, if I can't make it through this with my own mind, then something is wrong".
We went to church, we had our first child and I portrayed the part of a good wife and mommy, hurting in my heart all along! I just couldn't let go of the past!
What stunk about all this is that I could keep myself together in front of people and Larry just wanted to be himself! So his words weren't always so nice in front of everyone! And my words always were, and then when were alone I was HATEFUL!!
Then I started taking this stupid medicine and I could feel again, I could really laugh, and cry, and hurt again, I could feel the sadness and I began to deal with it! I began to really feel again! So begins the dealing with life, I hadn't done this for 9 years and my son needed me and my marriage needed me to be a positive part! So, I took responsibility for my part in the hurting and something amazing happened...... I found my husband still really and truly loved me and I had always loved him! We were not nice to each other in the beginning even though I was a "b" he was a "D" and we began to really begin a real relationship, no fronts, no hidings, no faking it, the real us! And here we are today, I couldn't imagine my life without him! No his words were not nice and I was not nice at all! Almost 14 years later we have truly learned to talk and he is the one I want to "MOST" spend my time with, I really really love him and you know what........ I know I am #1 in his life and this is amazing to me! I have hurt him in more ways than I ever wish to admit and I am sure he feels the same!! All that said, if things didn't go the way they did, I am not sure where I would be!