I'm Still a Girl

I've been through so many changes and different "times" in my life! I have gone through so many normal changes, from single woman, to wife, to mother, to stay at home mom, to work outside the home mom! One thing in common with all of them, I'm still a girl!
The changes have gone from there to here. I just have to wonder where I will be next!


















I cry when ANYONE sings the National Anthem!
I cry when an athlete, a singer, an actor/actress thanks his/her family!
I cry on my way home from a good day at work and a bad day at work!
I laugh at anyone being silly, whether my children, my husband or his friends or my guys at work!
Some days, I really want to cry at work and I even threaten to do it but I never do! At least not in front of anyone!
I cry when any of my children have done well and when any of them haven't done well!
I applaud or cry when I get on my scale! (there's no room for anything else!).
I laugh and cry when I connect with friendships that I accidentally left behind!
I cry, laugh, focus or just enjoy the moments, when I connect with my husband and the moments when we just don't "get" each other!
I laugh when one of my children tell me a joke! (good joke or not so good)
I cry when any of my children talk about not doing well!
I am sad when one of my children tell me about not doing so well in school!
I cry, only inside, and I am joyful, when I steel one of my children away from one of their friends, for some time with me!
I smile and enjoy the moment, when any of my children tell me about a friend they enjoy!
I ache, when any of my children are hurt by a friend!
I have major pain and anger when one of my children have hurt one of their friends and of course, if needed, I share their cry!
My heart leaps and I enjoy a moment where I can sing with any or all of my children, with or without the radio, on key or off key!
I laugh when my hubby keeps me on speaker phone at work just to get a laugh!
I am very angry when I realize, I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of.
My heartaches, when I realize any one of the four of them were waiting on me to recognize!!

The Balancing Act

I feel as though I am always trying to find a good balance between all the different hats I wear. As soon as I think I have found it, I realize, I didn't.
The lie here would be to believe, that every time I realize I didn't find balance I have failed. The Truth is I didn't fail, I am a work in progress, Thank God. However, my mind screams FAILURE!
Ugh, it hurts.
At work, my heart is still at home. I manage my household from work. I send my children to school in the morning and grab my only hug and kiss of the day from them and say "I love you and I'll see you tomorrow". Those words grab my heart.

At work, I am never "fully" at work, because my heart is at home. I love my job and the career it has turned out to be. I am truly blessed to be able to accomplish what I have in such a short time and still have the support of family and friends.
There's an honest reality here, it's that I am still at home even though I am a working mom.
Many days I walk out my door and the house isn't, in anyway shape or form, ready for company. Truth is we have company everyday. I think they are getting used to my balance of unbalance.
I don't think I will ever be totally at work, I believe that this is my balance at work. I think I would move up in my career quicker if I would be totally at work, however that's not going to happen, not ever.
I try to find balance between all the things I do that is all about me and those things I do for family and those things I do for others. Truth is, that balance constantly changes, sometimes I go one way more or the other way more!
These truths are not always easy for me to accept. Thankfully, I don't do it alone.
It's constant balance of unbalance. I know I may never completely arrive, but I try to enjoy the journey even though some days, the journey hurts!

Growing Pains

As I have been looking back on my last year of goal seeking and changes, I am seeing a few things I learned without even realizing it or maybe just without giving the proper thanks for the training and teaching I have received!
I know I have talked about my goals for last year alot throughout this last year and this year, but it was to become a better friend.
More reality I recently received, was that along with being a good friend to others, I need to be a good friend to me!
I am not a friend of my children and I am not sure if or when that will ever change(a reality I have always known).
A couple of my realities that I have been able to be thankful for, only recently:
Some friendships are worth the effort and others are just too high maintenance. This doesn't mean I stop loving or caring, it just means, it's time to stop putting time and effort into those relationships.
I have learned that fewer focused friendships are far faaarrr better than many "top-surface" friendships!
I have learned that just because you have a good laugh with someone, doesn't make them a "friend", acquaintance is the proper term for this kind of relationship.
I have learned that a few friendships will be there for only a time and require effort and energy and soon each of us will move on. This doesn't mean it isn't right to be friends with people just for a season! It's totally right on the mark!!! Some are only for a season and that's really OK!
I have learned that few friendships, honestly, stand the test of time and to be blessed with such a friendship is far and few between!
I have learned that girls/woman (ok me) find growth in all these different types of relationships.
I have, seen myself pull away from a few relationships, as they become detrimental to me and that's a great reality! To be able to see when a relationship is going to far one way or the other. To be able to see that, sometimes the giving becomes too much and takes away from relationships that are necessary and need that time. One year ago, this thought would have hurt me, all good realities come in due time. For me, this reality hit the mark!
As far as being a good friend to me, it was the realization that it's ok to put more into some friendships and less into others and it's ok to have a few acquaintances. It's quite honestly, ok to share a laugh and not give of my heart, to just enjoy the moment of laughter. It's ok to be a shoulder to cry on for a moment, for a friend or an acquaintance.
The biggest reality for me is that it's ok to want that friendship I used to have and know/understand it will never be replaced. That spot in my heart for my friendship with her is filled with lots and lots of great memories and it's ok to leave them there and not try to, clean it out and fill it with a different friendship. The effort and energy that has been placed in replacing that needs to go to another area. Instead of that being a part of hurt/concern, this piece of my heart becomes a place of peace, strength and enjoyment.
I am truly thankful for the direction given in this area of my life. The reality of this goal sometimes hurt and honestly, I didn't expect that! I thought this would be an all fun goal, sometimes it was fun. There were many growing pains with this goal and I am sure many more to come. I'm so thankful for this being placed on my heart and for the realities, truths, strengths and weaknesses it has brought to the front for me.

Goals

I have had another Birthday go by and have been attempting to set my goals for the year. I don't really do, the whole, New Years Resolution thing. I just think it's something to chat about around the time of the New Year. It's just me, but I don't take it very serious! However, at my Birthday, every year for quite a few years, I set my goals and desires for that year. I pray over what I think it is that I want or need and then wait for confirmation and then I write down what it is, in front of me, that is necessary for my life!
This year hasn't been any different, except for the part where it has taken more time than I want it to, to really, nail it down! I still haven't really got it, I have ideas and thoughts, but I am still praying daily for specific direction.
If I just wrote it, just because it was time, I'd have some pretty vague, hokey goals! Like Complete the laundry or get my house clean or take down those last couple Christmas decorations that are stiiiiillll outside! But since I am very goal driven, it's not a good idea for me to just write whatever comes to mind! Once it is written down, it really becomes a goal, no matter how hokey or silly it may be!
Now is commitment time!
Last year, I really focused on becoming a better friend. This was a really good focus for me and yes I am going to continue that. Becoming a better friend doesn't need to be a goal for me this year, because it has become part of my life goals and a constant on my heart and mind. I like that it turned into being part of who I want to be.

I have a few things I really want to "go for" and feel lead to head toward this year. I don't necessarily think that I will meet all of my goals this year, but I do believe I will get the forward motion and start heading down that path!
Back to the whole friend goal, I honestly believe God placed that on my heart at such a perfect time in my life. When the goal was set, I had no idea the year I was going to face, I knew how difficult the year before was. All I knew was that, being a better friend was a necessary for me. Focus outward instead of inward, but like I said before, it's impossible to give and not receive. What I found this past year was that I liked who I started to become by focusing even moooore outward! As a Christian I always knew my focus should be outward, however knowing it and doing it are different. One thing I have learned is that the whole "focusing outward" is constantly changing as I grow. It's not a "this is it" kinda thing! As I grow as a person, I find that I am a constant "work in progress"! I like that, I think it is a good place to be! What my focus should be this year for me being a "work in progress" isn't completely specific right now. Specifics are in the works. Since, I am goal driven, this is KEY to becoming who it is God sees in me and not just who I think I should be!
I like that I am a "work in progress" and quite honestly, I don't see it as a bad thing!

Another Aha

Today, so many great things happened! I really can't get them off my mind and my heart!
First, let me remember where I thought I was!
My best friend is Larbo! I went through a spell, for the past couple of years, curious, if I relied on him too much. I really wondered if he, really got everything or even he even cared about everything that I do!
I have also been REALLY angry, over the years, that my best friend or who I thought would be my best friend for life (bff, bestie) is gone and I have never found a replacement for her! Not that a replacement is what I have been looking for, it's honestly just the fact that who I thought would be here at my side and my BFF and my Bestie isn't here and that's something I never planned for and haven't gotten used to!
I have been jealous, over the years, of sister relationships! When I say jealous, I mean, really, upset and angry jealous! I really mean that, two-year old, tantrum throwin' "it's not fair, I had that and now it's gone!!!" Wow, what a moment for me, I really admitted, some major jealousy to myself here! Sadly, I have also been blessed with a MIL with lots of sisters and a close family, sadly I have always been a bit selfish as I have watched their interaction over the years! I get soo angry with myself over it! I knew I should be enjoying the relationshiop my MIL shares with her sisters and to "some degree" I did, but never all the way! What I was missing still hurt and this was a constant reminder of what could have been and what was stolen! Yep, hard stuff! Jealousy is so hard, it's not only an emotion, it's a passionate emotion and it is a party to hatred and it is a reality, a reality I know I have to face and deal with and never to surrender to (although I have a few times)!
Today I had a chance to meet with a friend that I haven't been face-to-face with in years!!!!! Through FB we have chatted lately, but today, I got to hug her and meet her and talk, talk face-to-face! I am so blessed! It really felt as though, we were just catching up. It's amazing when you share a love between friendships and pick it back up, some 20+ years later! I am honestly in awe of the restoration of true friendships, even after years and years. My day could have stopped there and I was already "over the top"!
I looked over my friends shoulder to see, two other friends, they are sisters, and they were sharing a meal together! They were chatting and laughing and even got serious a time or two! Yes, I did stop to watch. This is what I usually do, when I find sisters enjoying one another. On one-hand I really enjoy watching the relationship of sisters and on the other hand it makes me think about what is gone. Then still, it makes me remember what I had! I am so blessed by what I had!
But today was different! I just enjoyed seeing them and seeing them spend time together! I was blessed by the fact that they were sisters and blessed by one another and also that they had embraced that relationship!
My AHA moment
I wasn't, in the least bit jealous! I wasn't angry or sad and I wasn't thinking about what I was missing! I was enjoying their time together (I guess you could say I was dropping in on their time). It wasn't until a couple of hours later that I realized what had happened today. After all the years of praying the jealousy away, and trying to work through it, without even knowing it, the jealousy was gone! I was able to simply enjoy the blessings one sister brings to another! I wasn't angry or mad or sad, just really blessed!
My meet up with my friend is a different story for a different day. Not that it was any less of a blessing. That meet up has many more words to it and many more years behind it and in front of us! I am a lucky girl, a blessed young lady (I like calling myself a young lady!!!) God is good, He really does restore all!

Giving Without Receiving is Impossible

Helping Someone else, means helping myself.
On my Facebook account today (guess it's yesterday by now)a friend posted this:
I have a positive. . . . If it weren't for you, i wouldn't be celebrating the twin's sixth birthday today! Thank you! I love you!


I remember when she was pregnant and on bed rest. I was heartbroken that she wasn't being taken care of properly and trying to do it all by herself. However, I was also delighted and blessed to be needed in such a capacity! I can honestly remember so many "thank yous" from her, it's unreal. And no matter how many times she thanked me, I couldn't help but thank her back, most of the time only thanking her in my head, because the words just could not come out. I know she really appreciated the help, but I could never explain how much it meant to me!
Then the twins were born! And I am so thankful, I still got to help! It appeared, quite possibly, she still needed me. I'm not sure if she HONESTLY did, but I know I loved feeling that way. I know I enjoyed stealing a child or two or just a baby or two for whatever time I could! I remember Larbo and I gazing into the eyes of each one of these babies on different occaisions, and the two of us sharing a moment with each other, with the beauty of a newborn or two! I know I loved those babies from the moment I knew about them and I already knew that I loved my friend more than words could say and that she had been there sooooo many times for me, that now it was finally my turn! I was finally able to show her love in a different way then, telling her! I was allowed to show it!
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I remember going to my neighbor's house, this is my friend, in the morning in the afternoon and evening and calling her on the phone (yes, I did say she was my neighbor and yes, right next door) just to check on her and the kids and her husband. She had gone from two children to four, overnight! She went from running around to take care of her two children to, on her back (if she would only stay there) overnight. I was so delighted and blessed by the fact that I could help my friend!
It's just so amazing!
These babies are not babies anymore! Our children are growing up together (not as close in mileage as they used to be) and I believe my friend helped me to grow as a person and just plain, grow up, alot! She taught me alot in our short time as negihbors, but she has taught me even more in our time as friends!
I just think it's so, out of this world, that someone could be thanking me for help and all I want to do is thank her for that opportunity.
That time--------------oh unbelievably that time (there are many others)-------------I needed my friend to need me and I was given that opportunity and every day I am blessed by not only knowing her, but watching her children grow and become beautiful amazing, young people!
Her post on Facebook took me back, and the feeling of fullfilment, at that time in my life, was just what had been ordered! I couldn't even call her to tell her, I couldn't really even post back to her. I am still so blessed by that time in my life, how do I tell my friend your welcome when all I want to do is thank her!

Coincidence?

They way things rolled out, couldn't even be considered a coincidence!
For 7 months Larbo has been laid off of his job at the mill. Being the type of man that he is, he didn't stop him from still providing for his family (with some help from Mama), he found a place to work and pushed by all the negative thoughts and ideas that kept coming at him. He did what it was he had to do! That's just Larbo. Anyway, it wasn't easy, but we made it! All 5 of us, we have come through. Now, I know where that blessing came from and we all knew, that God had us in His hands. It wasn't easy, but we were completely provided for and have not missed out on a thing. Christmas and other gift givings were far less than what they were in the recent past for us, but we were never without celebration and reasons to celebrate, we just did it a little differently and it proved to be good! Now you know where we have been at for that last few months! Fast forward to the last 3 weeks and specifically yesterday!
3 weeks ago Larbo went back to the mill and began working any available shift or hour he could work!
Both of us relieved and looking forward.
We were excited as Mitchy's Birthday came up and I started planning the party he has wanted for the last 3 years! Bowling.
With ease, I planned it, invited friends and family.
Then I started to plan his "family" party! The plan was to keep it at home and go easy! Fortunately, schedules changed and we changed the family party to going out to eat for breakfast! Mitchy's favorite meal! He picked Bakers Square!
So we celebrated! Both parties were fantastic and a blessing to Mitch and to myself and Larbo! The breakfast went well and we were able to pick-up the bill! Now, that's a good feeling!
The next day we headed to the bowling alley and we picked up the bill for Mitchy's party! No stress. Mitch had fun and I know he was blessed and he left feeling like we celebrated! I think his Birthday celebration went on for a week! It was fun.
The morning of Mitchy's party, Larbo and I got into my car, I was driving. I said to Larbo, there's a vibration in my steering wheel, it just started, what would cause that?
He replied, it could be a number of things.
We arrived at the bowling alley and Larbo started checking out the car and the kiddos and I started to walk in and get the party started!
After the party, Larbo said to me "you need new tires".
I replied, "how much do you think that's going to cost?" I shot out a dollar amount, what we could afford!
He came back with a dollar amount $200 higher than my dollar amount and then said, it wasn't an option to let these tires be!
We started brainstorming and making phone calls. Can we find tires we can afford and can we borrow a car from someone for a week?
Stopped in and asked for an estimate at a nearby tire place and the dollar amount matched Larbo's initial dollar amount, so now, we decide to leave and discuss it in the car and see what else we could do! Two tires? Borrow a vehicle? Keep searching?
We're discussing and I'm dialing! Now, I have discovered, my tires are special order only, unless you want to buy some no name junk that may not hold up to the miles I put on my car. Now, what? Larbo gives me another tire place to call, so I dial and ask the same questions I have asked all the other places.
This place I called gave me the dollar amount we could afford at the moment, for all four tires. Now, I ask them what kind, the reply was no name junko, that I didn't want to waste money on, but the gentleman hears my hubby in the background asking for specific tires. The man on the other end of the phone says, "how many do you want?"
We all know I want four tires!
The next thing this gentleman says, "I have them, a customer ordered them two weeks ago and hasn't come back for them yet, I guess you could have them."
My reply, "we are turning in right now"!
Tires paid for, on the car, Mitchy's gifts, cake and pizza still inside the car, we all get in and buckle up. Honestly, all of this so far is pretty amazing to me, just the way it was all orchestrated.
The kicker: Seat belt clicked, I looked up and all the lights were out in the garage! The mechanics were putting on their coats and headed towards the exit. Closing TIME! We barely made it!
In my heart and my mind, I know, that this was just so beautifully orchestrated, it couldn't even be considered a coincidence!