I am about to be truly honest...

some days and months are harder than others. I love my husband and my children and feel truly blessed. I have good family and good friends. Just because I have all this doesn't stop the Pain I have been in going on 20 years, no it does not stop and it doesn't go away, most of the time we go on as if nothing happened.

I truly loved my sister Windy. She was my best friend and I miss her daily. Yes I have close cousins and their kids I call my nieces and nephews, I love them as though they are. There is a piece of my heart that died 20 years ago, I don't know if it will feel anything ever again, it doesn't sadden me, it makes me feel joy, because that is the piece of my heart for my sister, my Windy.

A man made a choice almost 20 years ago to take her life. I would never wish this on my worst enemy and normally I would never burden anyone with the guilt of the pain I feel. But here you choose to read or to comment and here is where I feel I can talk and write and not worry about what anyone else thinks. This is about me!!

My kids will not ever know their aunt, I can tell them about her and compare them to her. But they missed the opportunity of knowing her. They will never get to make their own opinions of her. I will never get to call her on the phone and say: This is bothering me, can you help? Or say I love you or your niece or nephew want to talk or spend time with you!!

My husband has this with his sister, they are not as close as my sister and I. We were 13 months apart and close. Same friends, same parents, and lots of the same hard choices in front of us. We were going through the same junk when she was killed!

I miss her, I wish my kids would have met her. I hate, hate, seeing my parents hurt over the loss of her. I guess the pain does, die or we learn how to get over it, or like I say get over it or go around it. It never really stops!

I can't help, but to be a little sad!!

My Yaya has made good friends! Friends that I like and I like the families and I enjoy the friendship she has found in these girls. To get to the point her friend is moving. Windy dealt with the move of her Best Friend 1 1/2 years ago and took it pretty hard. I feel that they do a good job of keeping in touch, but it isn't the same as when she lived right next door. It does help that I am good friends with her mom, and they help us to keep in touch also!! Yaya doesn't have alot of close cousins that are her age, or a sister, her age, like I did! She seems to create something of this in her good friends. She does allow herself to be open and let her emotions show to these good friends. Yaya, loves and shows she loves. She is an amazing child. She gets frustrated, like all kids and gets in trouble just like other kids. She does enjoy watching people enjoy things or moments or gifts, she is very easy going, because she tends to want everyone else to be happy.
Now, Windy is going through it again!! Her bud from down the street, whose Grandma also watches her and Mitch after school, is moving, TODAY!! I have prayed that they would be able to purchase the house they are moving out of and it was not possible, God has different plans!! Windy is very, very good at using the phone she will keep in touch with her friends! Windy seems to roll with the punches, and take things in stride. I hurt and am sad for Windy!! Please pray my Yaya makes it through this and that she is able to keep in touch with her friend Katie, the same way she keeps in touch with Karly! I am a mom at a loss for words but a heart that cares, all I can do is say "I am sorry your sad, I know it hurts, and can I help you through this". Sometimes being a mom hurts!

But I soooo Stink!!!

I was able to run the service track today,
by myself, thank you very much!! I understand it and am now calling myself a Locomotive Mechanical, Relief Supervisor (sounds so official, or not so much)!!! I did run it and have been told that I can hold this Temp position until the end of the year!!! It is really going well, hate to say, I am still not where I planned to be at this time, but I am still moving forward, so it is hard to complain........

BUT, I sooooooooooooooooo STINK!! My cousin's birthday just passed on the 23rd and I tried so hard to upload a video on here of the kids singing happy birthday (it was so cute) and it did not take after several times of trying!!

Anyway, so you know it was very important to me to wish Shane a happy birthday and I wanted it to be a special wish, and it just didn't work the way I wanted it to!!! Soin words, I will put what I think!

If you don't already know I have a couple cousins that I am very very close to and they are very special to me, they are like siblings, you would need to know me to understand (another post later in time). My cousin Shane just had a birthday, she is an amazing: Wife, Mother and Woman. She is raising three beautiful children and they are well-behaved and obedient (maybe her husband helped a little) and she is a loving and caring wife (to my husband's best friend) and she has pushed through so much, let me just say an amazing woman!! She is the wife of a "Millitary Man" and has made the moves to help him with his career, or their career, however that is said. She has 3 beautiful children, Kylie, Nathan, and Ava and she continues to raise them well, her children are always a joy to be around!! She is currently attending college, yes around everyone else's schedule and doing well! and some how she is able to keep her house intact. Shane's family has a strong sense of family and accountability and she has given them this. Shane is truly, truly an amazing woman! She goes far beyond any expectations you can put on any woman!! Hope your birthday was unbelievably blessed! Sorry this post is late, I really wanted the video to work!!!

Love ya Shane, take care! I miss you and your family!!

Tales from the Scales Tuesday!!

OK down to 185. 2 more pounds down. I did eat a snickers today, so I was a little concerned about getting on the scale and Mitch and I split a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut on Sunday. So maybe, I was, a ton concerned. I still ate mostly fresh food and didn't eat too late at night, I still enjoyed a few "goodies" here and there. I know that the time will come when I need to be totally strict, I am not ready for it right now!! I do know that the first week I don't lose weight I will be a little more strict. I am committed to myself for this weight loss, yes I want to look good, but even more I want to feel Healthy again!!!!! I must tell you that, this is the first time I have done "scale" weight loss and it is keeping me in check not to mention the blogging about it (that I have committed to being totally honest to)!
Let me also say, that I know life happens and I do eat "once in a while foods" more often than I like to admit, but I am not one to beat myself up over it!! So, I ate a snicker's, and at lunch (the next meal) I was back on track, not just giving up but continuing!!! Yes, I am patting myself on the back a little (I do have really long arms!!!!!!) I am really good at building myself up, the reason I am probably at the weight I am, I JUST DON'T SEE THE WEIGHT THE SCALE SAYS!!!!! But, I definitely see the sizes going up!! I have yet to see the sizes go down (STRETCHY JEANS STINK) and I have yet to see a mirror image change, but the scale has and right now my hope is in what is positive!!!!!! Thanks for listening to me ramble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Weight Loss to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amazing Coaches

Yesterday, Sunday, Merrillville Pirates Pop Warner Jr. Midgets won the game against Hobart Brickies, Pop Warner!!

Another exciting game and the boys just beamed with excitement of winning a game!! I was so proud of them!

Another very exciting part of watching the kids play football is watching the interaction with the kids and their coaches. To volunteer to be a coach is very noble and can be unrewarding. I have had awesome experiences with all of the coaches I have dealt with. This, in my opinion, is amazing, everyone always has some kind of issue with at least one coach, right? As much as I enjoy watching the game, isn't it nice to watch someone else enjoy our children and have a
passion for what sport they are enjoying and to watch them begin to understand something that I don't quite get is amazing!! I have coached, in the past, and have truly enjoyed it. I will only coach in what sports I really understand, which leaves me limited, but I did have the passion to teach the team about the sport!! I just want to thank all those coaches who truly have a passion for the sport they are coaching and who more so have a passion for the children they are coaching!!

Phone and Internet BACK ON!!

Can you believe I was told by tech support it would not be until Saturday (the next one) that they could come and fix our phone and DSL!! The tech woman called this morning, as I was beginning to get ready for my day, about 9:30am and said I am right down the street, I am coming to repair your DSL right now, it is inside your house. Doesn't everyone love unexpected guests!!!!??? So myself, and my husband, barely, barely barely awake, begin rip, running and roaring through our disaster zone trying to clean up and not look like the total slobs we are!!! Needless to say, she showed up at the house to soon, and I apologized for the mess and kept cleaning and she continued to do her job and do it well, HERE we are!! Yea, and on a Sunday, I had no idea, the technician said they had scheduled her and they should have told me, but who cares all is fixed and I'm embarrassed by the disaster we have been wading through and I am back on track!! Now, If I can only get my oven fixed!

Anyway, on another note: We only had one soccer game yesterday, in the evening. We did have football practice and bowling but I couldn't have planned the timing better myself, I didn't have to rush or drag or involve more help, hubby and myself were able to handle the kid stuff by ourselves (unusual huh). During our running to get to a birthday party, in the evening, after Mitch's game, I was grilled about certain people in our family, talk about trying to put on guilt trips, Mama escaped and passed the buck! All I have to say is if you come to Mitch's game, make sure you say hello to him, otherwise he doesn't believe you were there, and my word isn't enough! One funny thing he did say to me in the car:

"I was playing against two of my friends on the purple team and they didn't even know we were defitting (defeating) them!!!!"

Thursday Conversations Lately:

#1 Are you getting off on time today?

#2 Yes, I know it is Thursday, I will be home.

#1 What is there for dinner?

#2 (names off whatever we have or where we can order from)

#1 Who are you taking?

#2 I am taking the little one (or one of us says) the older two

#1 Who is making dinner (or picking it up)

#2 find out who has homework and what needs to be done.

#1 I know

#2 All practices start at 5:30 again

#1 (reassuring) Yes

#2 Call you when I am in the car

#1 OK

#2 Love you, bye

#1 Love you too, bye

This conversation is the same every Thursday, and it can be me that is #1 or hubby that is #1 (in the conversation, not in real life!) In case you didn't notice all three kids have practice on Thursday's all at the same time in different places!! We start coordinating early and it tires us out, by the time 8:15 rolls around it feels like midnight!!! This is us coordinating on Thursday's to make sure everyone is in the right place at the right time, with the right parent and that homework and dinner and yes showers and bedtime are done on time!!!!!! This Thursday is done and done OK, only 4 more like this to go (we have been doing this for 4 weeks now, I don't like this routine)!!!!!!!!!!!

Thankful Thursday is over, Goodnight!