Celebrate the Losses of 2009 in 2010.....I'm Not Sure I'm Ready For This Step

as I prepare myself for a memorial tomorrow, for friend that passed away in 2009, my heart immediately starts to ache.
Not for pretend and not my imagination, a real live ache, it hurts and of course it makes me cry! 
There were so many people that passed in 2009 that had my heart!  Each one had a direct effect on my life and are part of the person I am today.  Considering the fact that, I like who I am today and I know where I was headed a long long time ago......my heart aches more!
I could have easily chose a path for my life that would have ended early in complete failure....but because I have so many loving people in my life, the easy road was NOT a choice!
Memorial part:
Each of the people, I lost in 2009, had an amazing impact on my life.....I can remember specific conversations, moments and looks from each one of them, that honestly, made the difference...for me!
Each person I lost, made a difference for me, for the positive!
I can never just remain on the positive!  My mind always goes back to what I have lost, what I am missing and what has been stolen from me!
Pretty selfish, you are saying by now.......yep your right, totally selfish!  This post is very selfish and completely about me........heck this whole blog is about me......so yep, this is a selfish part of my life. The truth is, as selfish as I am, I know there are others that are going through the same junk and can relate...so I post!
I prepare for tomorrow, you do realize memorials are supposed to celebrate the life of the person you are remembering!  I pray for tomorrow!  I ask God to help me not to cry and I know I will cry and I will be thankful for the release.  I prepare for tomorrow and it continues to bring up the losses of 2009........my losses, my lost moments of opportunity to see each one of them, one more time, my worry, my job, my time, my fear...all got in my way of the "one more moment" with each one of them. 
As my heart continues to ache, I hear "words of wisdom" and it just makes me mad and hurt....later, I realize, I am blocking the love I have been looking for!
There's a void in my heart.....a huge VOID.......where each one of these people filled and I am blocking it!
2009 took alot of very loving, kind, caring, life changing, hold my heart people from me....
Still I know who is in charge and at the end of each prayer I pray (for myself and others) where I end it in:  I DON'T KNOW WHY AND I DON'T KNOW THE BECAUSE AND THE HOW COME.........but (BUT should be big) I am on-board and I do believe and I know who holds the future!
Somewhere, either during, after, much later or before, I get the same answer.....
and the answer tells me that I am blocking the fill for the void I feel in my heart! 
I hear/feel that I am being told that.....the love that was once shared between myself and each one of these individuals, is right where it has always been, in my heart and that I am the one blocking it from continuing in my life.....
I prepare for tomorrow, a day in 2010, for a life that ended in 2009 and I'm not sure I am ready to leave the loss in 2009.
Celebrate the Losses of 2009 in 2010.....I'm not sure I'm ready for this step......
it hurts, really really hurts, my heart aches.
I'm the one blocking the love that was shared and I'm the one that is creating the void.....I need to allow myself to continue to enjoy these relationships and enjoy where each one has brought me and is taking myself and my family to.....I hold the key to fill the void
I prepare for the memorial tomorrow by planning for the future and remembering, sharing and giving credit for the past!

Take the Good..........Take the Bad

I hit a pothole the other day and this is what it produced:

Tons of repairs

     a cracked and bent rim 

               insurance involvement 

                       traction control issues 

                              ABS issues  

                                   no speedometer  

                                        no odometer  

                                              I'm waiting to find out the rest from the repair shop!

                                                    (ugh, I really don't want to know)

The good news:

WE are all FINE

bad news:

   we worried Grandma, 

               I was late to work (alot late), 

                       it made me grouchy and sick at the same time 

                              guys at work ALL had something to say 

                                     (which made me more angry and sick and grouchy)

                   

More good news is 

                          the kiddos learned how to change a tire, on the side of the road.....

  warning:  inserting my opinion here

I think every driver should know how to change a flat tire and it should be a part of the driving test!!!

                                                            

A lil more good news:
                   I didn't have to work my full shift that night!!


More good news.......
                I get to drive this sporty looking Jetta for a few days

Adding On.....

Please don't turn my blog in for being hacked~It is me and this is true!

Meet our newest addition to our family:

ZUNI

 

Zuni Was headed back to the shelter, within 1 hour of him joining our family!  He was angry, uncomfortable, unsociable and just plain mean (I mean he was scared)!   

He was everything and every reason I am not a lover of the cats!

The kids were excited and I had to go to work...so he wouldn't be returned that day!

I quickly FB'd the shelter and told them I thought we traumatized Zuni and he probably needed to come back.  She asked me to give it a little more time, like a week.  OMW, a week, of this cat scowling and hissing and scratching us!  I'm not sure if we can last that long but we can at least do the weekend!  The shelter went on to explain that this cat knows nothing but it's crate and will take time to get used to roaming and then the two BIG dogs may take a lil longer!

Thankfully, by the time I got home from work, the first night, Zuni was well on his way to making our home his, big dogs and all!  I received a phone call from Ya's saying "daddy was holding Zuni when we got home and Zuni was even purring"!

There went that plan of returning Zuni to the shelter.  Zuni has made his place in our home.  

  I'm not sure how much "mousing" this cat will actually do, now that he has settled into his place, in Ya's room!  

What was I thinking?

we are now cat owners.......keep it quiet!

KIDDOS

I am blessed, impressed, pleased, disappointed and angered by my kiddos, daily!  I go from "oh wow" to "oh WOW, are you serious?" Daily.
I can be totally belly laughing and then immediately stern face disciplining (faster than a heartbeat)
It really does get to me! 
I love that we  get to celebrate moments and that all victories are celebrated, but it seems like every victory has a correction or two, waiting around the corner!
I miss the days of short quick discipline!
No such thing as quick and short discipline any more, in our house!  Every correction needs to be corrected carefully and with the care for further in life! 
These kiddos are closer to leaving home, then they are staying home!  They are all closer to college than they are the days where they slept in a crib or the bassinet in my room!
There is tons of training and strict training everyday.  There is tons of prayers that go up daily for my kiddos (and I'm sure from them).  I wish they could just magically understand, but they don't, they have to learn!  I have to teach them!  The real learning comes from learning a lesson on their own!  I want to protect them from that, but I know I can't and so many of times, for me, it's a watching and waiting game (lil advice here and there) and then the truth and the discipline take place.  The most difficult lessons they are learning, haven't required discipline, they have required an understanding heart an open-mind and a completely open ear (so I HEAR/HEART everything).
Thus here I am, waiting for my next opportunity to help with life lessons, not always to pick up the pieces and put them back together, most of the time it's to help them sweep their pieces in a pile, scoop them into the dust pan and throw them into the garbage, just to have them start from ground zero AGAIN! 
It's heart wrenching and awesome at the same time!  Their moments of victory are amazing, beautiful and thrilling!  There moments of correction are, amazing, beautiful and thrilling, but never at that moment, we have to get there!
My heart aches to help them grow up respectfully and my heart aches when the choice made is a bad one!  My heart leaps when they make good choices and when they have their "aha" moment!
I had a friend tell me a lil over a year ago (about the lil ones they were raising), "Chrissy, this is hard, it's really hard, I didn't know it would be this hard!"
I quoted back: "just remember to enjoy it and remember lil kids, lil problems, big kids, big problems"
I don't like eating my words...........I do love the kiddos we are raising, even with their "bigger problems" and their many many MANY corrections, and I will take my other words............and I will ENJOY IT!

Sometimes the Aunt Hits Too Hard

This morning I was signing a Birthday card for my niece and I couldn't sign it Aunt Chrissy.  I just couldn't.  I tried to just do-it and my heart stopped, my hand cramped.  It's not at ALL because of her!  My niece is a doll, a sweetheart and a true blessing in my life!  It's my memory and my heart that stopped it.
This is the point where I just vent!
I don't need the I'm sorrys' and the that's too bads!  I just need a moment to vent and get it out and know that my feelings are real, right and even validated!
I'm not supposed, (I was supposed to be) an Aunt!  I'm not.....somehow I am and I am an Aunt to alot of GREAT kids!
As great as it is to be an Aunt, sometimes it's just a reminder of what was lost! 
I tell my kids about their Aunt Windy, all the while, I know, they don't really know.  But I tell them and they listen and engage in conversation and it makes me feel good and validated!
This afternoon, I signed a Birthday card to my niece: Chrissy!  Uncle Larry, Chrissy and so on! What's wrong with me??  I've never ever had myself stopped so suddenly and hard, by me!
I have so many nieces and nephews and it's never hit this hard before!
My heart ached and my eyes watered (eyes watering are sooo normal for me) and I heard myself say to my sister "I miss you".  I said it out loud!
Yep, I know, it's ok, to sometimes, feel this way and my feelings are right!
But MAN, right now, right when my niece is celebrating her 18th!  Seriously, I NEEDED to sign Aunt Chrissy and I just couldn't do it!
Sometimes the Aunt really really just hits too hard! 
I tell myself to celebrate  and enjoy all I have been blessed with!  I tell myself to be thankful and love!
I HATE that the hurt just reveals itself at the most inopportune time!  I HATE that I can't shake it!
In the same thought/breath, I'm thankful for my time and I'm thankful for my sister and for her life!
Sometimes, the missing just stinkin' hits at the worst time!
So, to redeem what has been given:
Happy Birthday my beautiful Niece!  Love, Aunt Chrissy!

The LIST

I sit, drinking my coffee and make a list in my head!  There is so much to be done at this house and with the kiddos, but now I need to get the other house ready for the new tenants!  ugh.  I have to find the time to get over there and clean, paint and make small repairs.........wait, I have to do that in this house.
It becomes overwhelming and I know I can't do anything about it today, on account of that work-thing.  I continue to plan and make the list in my head. 
Then I add up the time it will take to get it ALL  done and I realize my time and what I have to do are not realistic.
STRESSED OUT MORE
I don't want to miss a minute I can be with my kiddos and my hubby, but I know these things have to be done.......we have tenants moving in shortly.  The kiddos will be helping with both homes....no one gets out of taking care of business.
For now, I'll sit with my hubby, sip my coffee and continue with that list in my head or maybe I'll actually put it on paper...........
There's nothing I can do about the other house, but I can spend some quality time with the fam before heading to work.

This coffee is good, the company is enjoyable, the list GROWS!

FUN (I thought)

/

All these smiles!

Every time I think about this celebration, I smile!

I can't wait to do this again!