I Know I Said Either Way.....

But I can't help to be a little let down and a little sad. After all, I don't put in for a position, unless I know I am qualified! I didn't get my "lateral" move! I know that isn't supposed to be a big deal and I know I said either way I am happy. I am happy, I am happy I get to learn more about locomotives and try to improve morale on 2ND shift where I am, but I don't apply for a job that I think I am not qualified for! So my heart sunk, just a little, when I received a phone call, from the boss I really want to work for (just for a little while) and he said "you interviewed very well, but that wasn't all we took into consideration"! I could feel myself lean back in my chair and my shoulders come forward, like "humph"! I felt my heart go "man oh man"!

Then I remembered where I was.

At that moment, I was at work, on a shift I requested to be, on a shift I asked the employees if it would be OK with them if I put in for this job (honestly I did)! Now, if that isn't saying something, I don't know what is! I requested the shift I am on and I am enjoying a regular routine!

One of the benefits of working this shift is that, I don't have to have anyone come over in the morning to put my kids on the bus,

I do it!

I get to dry Yaya's hair in the morning or help her "part it",

I get to help Mitchy pick out his clothes and

I get to answer the question "what's the weather going to be like today" from Adam!

I am the last one that hugs and kisses my kids before they get on the bus each day for school,

I get to do that

I get all that!

And I get to try and help the morale of second shift.

My second shift feels beat up and put out! And I, me, Lil' ol' me(or big ol' me, working on lil' ol me!), gets to help bring them back around to, the vision of my company, my company's way of thinking!

Honestly, as much as it stinks, I know it's right! It's not fair, but it's right!

Then I think back to where I was 3 years ago, haaaaa hahaahaha!! That's all I can do is laugh, I wasn't ever dreaming about being in any management position for the railroad, I was trying to find a job, trying just to get a position to clean up coach cars, passenger cars, or anything that would pay a decent days wage.

Now, I am sending out the power to take the freight across the country.

I know more about locomotives, then I would have ever dreamed.

I know all about the air brakes and the horsepower and the computer system and the electrical, then I would have ever even dreamed and three years later, how can I possibly be disappointed!

So what exactly, was I complaining about!

Oh yea,

that one position that just isn't meant for right now!

I'll be OK,

I'll be alright!

Set back for a second but not for a lifetime!

IT'S NOT FAIR...

I have spent most of my parent-life trying to make things fair. Then I started working outside the home and started trying to make things fair at work!
I have also spent alot of time explaining to my children how "life is just not fair"!

That's just the way it is!

I now spend alot of my time, at work, listening to others complain how it is "just not fair!"
Really, honestly, we are all adults at work and should know by now that life is just not fair and it never ever will be!!

NEVER!

I spent sometime really thinking and meditating on this the past few days.

I do spend alot of my time, trying, to make things "fair"!

Why? Why have I spent so much time trying to "even the score" between employees and between my kids?

My honest answer to myself was: Because we always want what someone else has or doesn't have and "the grass is always greener on the other side" (when your looking at it from your grass to someone else's)! And I don't want anyone, not even my kids to think of me as being partial!

I know, what is right for me isn't right for someone else and vice-versa, so why in the world do I work so hard on being "fair"?

Funny thing is, all this time I work on making things fair, I never expect them to be fair for me!

Then in my time and meditations on God's Word

I heard my words come back to me:

"Do you really want me to make things fair? I can do that, if that's what you really want!"

I think it is time, I stop spending so much time making things fair and start spending more time on what is right!

And like I said, what's right for one isn't right for the other!

My kids

love differently

anger differently

show emotions differently

they all need different things

at different times and at different ages!

My coworkers are the same way, therefor life and stuff will never be fair!

Now, if I could just erase that line from every ones vocabulary!

Then things were put into perspective again,

God really isn't fair! If He were, we would all be doomed and get what we deserve!

Now, that's fair!

Changes...again

The kids are all back at school. I now have 2 in middle school and only one in elementary, wow, when did they all grow up? I know I saw them grow, I just can't believe they have come this far, right before my eyes! As fast as they are growing up, is as fast as things are changing and then also proves how much more growing up we all still have ahead of us!
yep, I said it, we all have alot of growing up to do!
Whew!
I am finding that maturity isn't something we come upon one day and have reached, it is an ongoing life lesson. Some of the life lessons are neat and fun to go through and anticipated, but the older I get, the more I realize, sometimes this maturity thing hurts! Then I look back to being a child and a teenager and I realize, it has always been this way, just when we are children and teenagers it is more predictable, because we have our parents with us everyday and as parents, we not only give guidance but discipline and strong direct guidance! As I "grow up" I have way more freedom to make my choices and in doing so, when I make the wrong choice the consequences hurt even more! Ouch!
I have had two interviews at work in the passed two weeks and the first one, you know about, I didn't get it! The second interview, I am still waiting on the results! I know I'll be ok with either decision, but a change is exciting to me! I have had a recent change at work with my schedule, I get to work one shift all week, every week! After working 3 shifts every week for 2 years, I am ready and so is my body! I love normal routines. That being said, I already am going through change at work and I am excited, I get to work with the same group of people everyday and several them are good teachers! This group of people have alot to teach and the will to do it! I have already learned so much from them in my 2 days a week for the passed two years, can you imagine what I can learn from them in the near future, working everyday with them!
Wow, I am excited, either change is good! I have mixed emotions, as you can see! I want OUT of where I am right now and I want to STAY where I am right now!
No worries, it's in God's Hands and I am there also, resting and waiting!
I'll let you know what the decision is as soon as I know!

We, as a family, have been through quite a few changes in the passed 3 years! Most of them have been good changes, well, wait, I believe all of the changes have been good, you know how God works: All things together for the greater good, of those who love HIM!!

There was one day recently that was both, amazing, happy and sad! I took Adam to the Dr for, what seemed to be "swimmers ear". All three of the kids had been "tent" camping with my dad, Grampa Pat, last week.

Adam went to the Dr and was weighed and measured. The day before this, I went to a wedding with Adam and noticed that even with my "heels" on I had to look up to him! Adam noticed the height difference also, but Me, being the awesome Mom that I am, told Adam he was out of his mind, he was not taller than me and it was just him "making things as he wanted!"

The nurse put this dispute at rest, as soon as she said "ok, you are 5'8"! Adam revelled in the joy of being "taller than mom" and joked about how his Dad isn't far away now! My heart went to go dial a number, the number the upset mommy's call when their heart sinks and is saddened and leaps and is full of joy, all at the same time!

Adam, at this same instance, was already dialing Auntie Polly, my cousin and friend! He quickly told her about his amazing growth and me and my mind were brought, almost 2o years ahead, where we are today!

This kid is literally growing up far too fast for me!!

Working Woman

This evening as I gave my Safety Briefing to my employees, I had to apologize for pushing them so hard, I had to apologize for putting my numbers before safety. I honestly didn't push them, but I was so "busy" with other stuff I wasn't aware enough to slow them down and ask them to stop! I failed my employees, the very ones I set out to protect everyday!
I was busy trying to find a way to repair a Locomotive for an "officer" train the next day! My employees, my guys, were busy trying to find a way to get through their night at work! By the time I got back to the service track, I had noticed my guys had serviced more than their fair share of units and that they should have stopped servicing locomotives a couple of hours ago! Now, not only were they tired, but they were trying to do good to make me look good! UGHhh! This is so wrong for a company to preaches safety the way we do and I preach preach preach safety! I should have been on the service track to say them stop! I wasn't I was out attempting to do a job, my employees had already attempted and knew we couldn't just do in a few moments!
I usually trust my guys, I usually follow their advise to a "T"! Why would this night be different, oh yea, My boss was pushing me further than he should have!
So, after the nightmares, after the safety interview with an employee, after being concerned for my employees all day, after being concerned for myself all day!
I stood in front of my guys, without a "line-up" and apologized for working them too hard! I answered to my boss and didn't need to and asked them to help me make our Railroad a safer place to work, and they all agreed! But, all of them fear the repercussions of our conversation during our briefing, this stinks and weighs my heart down even more!
While apologizing, one of the guys asked me "why does it look like you have been crying?" and I had to answer, because that is who I am and when I am upset and angry, either with myself or others, I cry! I am a girl and I cry!
It kills me, I try to prove everyday that I am "one of the guys" to only admit that "I am a girl"! The part that doesn't upset me is that God has created men and woman different, but he never gives us the right to be treated differently! I feel that I knock myself out daily to try to prove that I am right for my job and that I am worthy to move up and I honestly believe that I am just as good of a candidate for moving up as any man!
But some days I just cry like a girl!
Wrong or right, I just don't care, it is who I am and I am right for the job I am in, I can admit out loud that I am wrong and I can commit "out loud" to making changes, for the better and I can even request those changes at my inconvenience, because I know it isn't always about me!
So, tell me why in 2009 I feel as though I am still trying to make way for other women and not that we are treated equal to men in life and the workforce!?

I did it, I talked to my friend, the one I was being transparent about! Turns out, what I thought was the problem, really wasn't (isn't that always the way it is, when we let it all just keep building) it was completely different! Most importantly, the issue is resolved and my friend and coworker and I are back to "normal"!

Thank God for His continued pressing on my heart to resolve this or what I thought was the issue!

In other updates:
I continue to look for a new position at work, I am ready to make a career move, but as long as I am in the position I am in, I will make the best of it and continue to learn!!

The kids are gone with Grandpa on their annual "tent" camping vacation! They are having a blast, so far!

The biggest new challenge in my life: I have entered "Biggest Loser" contest at my gym! The winner gets a free membership and of course, to be less weighted!! I have "lifestyle" changes to be made! I can't wait to beat this challenge!

completely transparent

My blog or journal this evening, early morning, could be about so many things. I could write about how I cleaned and cleaned the home tonight in hopes that my Larbo wakes up and is blessed, I want to be a better friend to him. I could write about the dressing room that I have and that I have finally started decorating and making my own, courtesy of my MIL! I could write about how my children have grown and are now, all making plans, completely on their own and then informing mommy of what they will be doing that day (I mean asking permission to do)! I could write about the renewed relationship with my Grandmother (this I will be posting about soon), I could write about so many things, but tonite, I want to be completely transparent to myself, so I will write about what is heaviest on my mind (there's something new, LOL)!



I have been working in my position for 1 year and 9 months! I enjoy what I do, but I did not get to this point by myself, I did not immediately enter into this Mechanical Foreman position and totally know what I was doing! So many greay people have helped me along the way! The support at home is always good, the guidance from the "higher managment" has been good, but the "on the job" training I have received and those I work with daily, has been, by far, the most helpful and the most "eye opening"! My coworkers, the ones I manage (if you can call it that) are heaviest on my mind tonite, there is one co-worker/friend who is heaviest on both my heart and mind tonite.



Because of working every shift, every week, I get the true blessing of working with almost every employee in my little area. But, there is one that I get to work with more than others, his name is Russ, this is my friend that I am writing about, we know each other because of the job, but we became friends because of who Russ is! I honestly believe Russ has had my back from the beginning, the thing that sets him apart from the other employees, is that I consider him a friend! I do work along side of him more than any other employee.



OK, take a minute and remember my "New Years Resolution", if you could feel the pain in my heart right now (OH MY)! The need for that Resolution becomes more and more apparent every day, the more I think I am working towards it, the more I realize the necessity in my resolution and how I have consistently failed being a good friend!

Point Blank:

I put Russ in a bad position, back in February and when he confronted me with it, he was angry and he yelled at me! My response, was not to be "treated this way" and I walked away. Walking away, when being yelled at is ok, as long as I come back and face the problem quickly, taking into account that my friend was trully hurt, by my actions! Coming back and facing the problem quickly is where I have totally failed!

Not coming back, is like your friend having a splinter in their toe and you have both the tweezers and the alcohol and you chose not to use them, it is just like looking at your friend and saying, "hmm does that hurt? Do you want me to help?" and your friend says "yes" and you act as though, you haven't heard their response!

What month are we in? Oh my we are really at the end of JULY and going to August and I have walked away from this issue for almost 6 months, ruining the best friendship I have at work! I work with Russ more often than I get to work with anyone else! Russ has had my back since the day I showed up at Cicero Roundhouse and about 1 week ago another Supervisor came to me and said, "Russ said, all you have to do is apologize"!

hmmm

Why didn't I just come back the next day and say "I am so sorry that I put you in that position"? Why didn't I come back one week later and say that same line?

I know why,

I am so worried/concerned about being RIGHT, that I forget that I really really really, can just be WRONG! I can admit being wrong to my husband and my children, why can't I tell the one person, I know, is on my side at work?

Because, I will have to admit, that as hard as work at "ALWAYS" being right that many times I am just plain wrong.

Truth be told, 90% of my life is spent being wrong, but the good thing is I can usually admit to that! Why can't I admit to that at work?

I can write about my "goals" at work and how I want to make the company, I work for, an equal opportunity employer!

I can write about all the junk I have been through lately.

I can write about not being "treated in that matter"!

The truth is, I just didn't want to admit to being "wrong" at work, it hurts, it so hurts to be wrong at a place where I am trying to prove "I have the right to be there and have the ability to handle it"!

This is how I am going to try to change what I have wronged:

I am going to go to work tomorrow evening, I am going to call my friend and I am going to apologize to putting him in a "bad position"! I am not going to let him "off the hook" for yelling at me, but I am going to take what is my responsibility and I am going to attempt to make things right and attempt to be a good friend, oh yes that is my "New Years Resolution", it doesn't mean that mine and Russ' friendship end up where it was 6 months ago, it means that this is where I need to start!

Transparency and vulnerability, really stink at first but are honestly one of those "blessings in disguise!"

Do I think everything is going to be ok after tomorrow night? Don't know, but I am going to take my responsibilty for my part and pray, hope and think positive thoughts for my relationship with Russ!

I pray things turn out good, but more importantly, I pray that Russ and his family are where they need to be!

My hardest stuff is admitting I may be wrong in some area, proving to be harder is admitting, that I KNOW, I am wrong in this part of my life with friendships!!