completely transparent

My blog or journal this evening, early morning, could be about so many things. I could write about how I cleaned and cleaned the home tonight in hopes that my Larbo wakes up and is blessed, I want to be a better friend to him. I could write about the dressing room that I have and that I have finally started decorating and making my own, courtesy of my MIL! I could write about how my children have grown and are now, all making plans, completely on their own and then informing mommy of what they will be doing that day (I mean asking permission to do)! I could write about the renewed relationship with my Grandmother (this I will be posting about soon), I could write about so many things, but tonite, I want to be completely transparent to myself, so I will write about what is heaviest on my mind (there's something new, LOL)!



I have been working in my position for 1 year and 9 months! I enjoy what I do, but I did not get to this point by myself, I did not immediately enter into this Mechanical Foreman position and totally know what I was doing! So many greay people have helped me along the way! The support at home is always good, the guidance from the "higher managment" has been good, but the "on the job" training I have received and those I work with daily, has been, by far, the most helpful and the most "eye opening"! My coworkers, the ones I manage (if you can call it that) are heaviest on my mind tonite, there is one co-worker/friend who is heaviest on both my heart and mind tonite.



Because of working every shift, every week, I get the true blessing of working with almost every employee in my little area. But, there is one that I get to work with more than others, his name is Russ, this is my friend that I am writing about, we know each other because of the job, but we became friends because of who Russ is! I honestly believe Russ has had my back from the beginning, the thing that sets him apart from the other employees, is that I consider him a friend! I do work along side of him more than any other employee.



OK, take a minute and remember my "New Years Resolution", if you could feel the pain in my heart right now (OH MY)! The need for that Resolution becomes more and more apparent every day, the more I think I am working towards it, the more I realize the necessity in my resolution and how I have consistently failed being a good friend!

Point Blank:

I put Russ in a bad position, back in February and when he confronted me with it, he was angry and he yelled at me! My response, was not to be "treated this way" and I walked away. Walking away, when being yelled at is ok, as long as I come back and face the problem quickly, taking into account that my friend was trully hurt, by my actions! Coming back and facing the problem quickly is where I have totally failed!

Not coming back, is like your friend having a splinter in their toe and you have both the tweezers and the alcohol and you chose not to use them, it is just like looking at your friend and saying, "hmm does that hurt? Do you want me to help?" and your friend says "yes" and you act as though, you haven't heard their response!

What month are we in? Oh my we are really at the end of JULY and going to August and I have walked away from this issue for almost 6 months, ruining the best friendship I have at work! I work with Russ more often than I get to work with anyone else! Russ has had my back since the day I showed up at Cicero Roundhouse and about 1 week ago another Supervisor came to me and said, "Russ said, all you have to do is apologize"!

hmmm

Why didn't I just come back the next day and say "I am so sorry that I put you in that position"? Why didn't I come back one week later and say that same line?

I know why,

I am so worried/concerned about being RIGHT, that I forget that I really really really, can just be WRONG! I can admit being wrong to my husband and my children, why can't I tell the one person, I know, is on my side at work?

Because, I will have to admit, that as hard as work at "ALWAYS" being right that many times I am just plain wrong.

Truth be told, 90% of my life is spent being wrong, but the good thing is I can usually admit to that! Why can't I admit to that at work?

I can write about my "goals" at work and how I want to make the company, I work for, an equal opportunity employer!

I can write about all the junk I have been through lately.

I can write about not being "treated in that matter"!

The truth is, I just didn't want to admit to being "wrong" at work, it hurts, it so hurts to be wrong at a place where I am trying to prove "I have the right to be there and have the ability to handle it"!

This is how I am going to try to change what I have wronged:

I am going to go to work tomorrow evening, I am going to call my friend and I am going to apologize to putting him in a "bad position"! I am not going to let him "off the hook" for yelling at me, but I am going to take what is my responsibility and I am going to attempt to make things right and attempt to be a good friend, oh yes that is my "New Years Resolution", it doesn't mean that mine and Russ' friendship end up where it was 6 months ago, it means that this is where I need to start!

Transparency and vulnerability, really stink at first but are honestly one of those "blessings in disguise!"

Do I think everything is going to be ok after tomorrow night? Don't know, but I am going to take my responsibilty for my part and pray, hope and think positive thoughts for my relationship with Russ!

I pray things turn out good, but more importantly, I pray that Russ and his family are where they need to be!

My hardest stuff is admitting I may be wrong in some area, proving to be harder is admitting, that I KNOW, I am wrong in this part of my life with friendships!!