What a Difference a day makes!!

So amazing! The day after my little rant on here, everything changed, INCLUDING but not limited too, my attitude! Probably the largest change, looking back (honestly, looking back) was my attitude! How I addressed the problems ahead of me! Saying Thank you doesn't hurt and really means alot, not only to the ones I'm saying it to, but also to me! Yep, I said it! Saying Thank you makes me feel good! It makes me feel like I am doing right and that I recognize my blessings! The most amazing thing was two texts I received the next day:
One was an ongoing texting "thing" back and forth, back and forth, between myself and another person I work with! The most amazing thing he told me "your not a push-over and your not being taken advantage of!"
TEARS! Yep tears here, validation, loyalty and understanding from someone I work with and consider a friend! It's amazing how far that can go!
I responded: "are you reading my mind or my blog?"
He responded: "I just know where your at!"
I get this I totally get this and it validate my feelings of anger and thankfulness!
But the second text, was invoked by me, all alone!
I text: "thank you for making that last move tonite, I really appreciate it"
Not thinking this would ever go anywhere, I just wanted this person to know, I knew he was upset!
He texted back: "your welcome! Sometimes it's just hard not being appreciated and always going the extra step to change things, knowing that I am going to walk into the same thing the next day!"
TEARS!! Yep, I cry! Imagine that! More crying on the RR!! Ha!
I know I am trying to change years and years of the ongoing "this is the way we have done it and they way it was done before, so this is the way we will do it" attitude!
Just because this is the way you have always done it and the way those before you have always done it, doesn't mean it's right!!
Honestly, I see that I am trying to change the mentality over generations and now I have discovered, that changing things means, that people "in the process" get hurt! So another part of making changes is making sure that those who suffer feel validated and thanked for their efforts!
Gosh Chrissy! Stop forgetting those words of "Thank YOU!!" It really does go a long long way, if there is a real HEART behind it!
Remembering the words "thank you" sounds easy! But remembering the words "Thank You" takes effort and heart! Lots and lots of heart!!

Forward.....

Try as I may to do the right thing:
Love my family
work out at the gym for a healthy life and to lose weight
Regular checkups with the Dr.
raise obedient children
teach right
Do a good job at work
Keep a clean house
Make sure the family is fed well
etc etc
the list goes on and on. I keep screwing up! Hmmmph! I get so aggravated with myself. I know mistakes are a normal part of life and that if there is a lesson learned, then it's all good! Still hmmmph, aggravated with myself, I really don't like making mistakes.
It seems like I am constantly hurting the ones I love the most. I admit, I have a tendency to bounce alot off my hubby! I did it again today and have been for about two weeks.
I could use the excuse, that there is alot on my mind and that is true, but excuses to hurt the ones I love, is just that an excuse, not a reason (as if there is ever a good reason to hurt someone)!
So here I go once again:
I Pick up the phone and apologize and try to move forward.

Moving Forward

I Know I Said Either Way.....

But I can't help to be a little let down and a little sad. After all, I don't put in for a position, unless I know I am qualified! I didn't get my "lateral" move! I know that isn't supposed to be a big deal and I know I said either way I am happy. I am happy, I am happy I get to learn more about locomotives and try to improve morale on 2ND shift where I am, but I don't apply for a job that I think I am not qualified for! So my heart sunk, just a little, when I received a phone call, from the boss I really want to work for (just for a little while) and he said "you interviewed very well, but that wasn't all we took into consideration"! I could feel myself lean back in my chair and my shoulders come forward, like "humph"! I felt my heart go "man oh man"!

Then I remembered where I was.

At that moment, I was at work, on a shift I requested to be, on a shift I asked the employees if it would be OK with them if I put in for this job (honestly I did)! Now, if that isn't saying something, I don't know what is! I requested the shift I am on and I am enjoying a regular routine!

One of the benefits of working this shift is that, I don't have to have anyone come over in the morning to put my kids on the bus,

I do it!

I get to dry Yaya's hair in the morning or help her "part it",

I get to help Mitchy pick out his clothes and

I get to answer the question "what's the weather going to be like today" from Adam!

I am the last one that hugs and kisses my kids before they get on the bus each day for school,

I get to do that

I get all that!

And I get to try and help the morale of second shift.

My second shift feels beat up and put out! And I, me, Lil' ol' me(or big ol' me, working on lil' ol me!), gets to help bring them back around to, the vision of my company, my company's way of thinking!

Honestly, as much as it stinks, I know it's right! It's not fair, but it's right!

Then I think back to where I was 3 years ago, haaaaa hahaahaha!! That's all I can do is laugh, I wasn't ever dreaming about being in any management position for the railroad, I was trying to find a job, trying just to get a position to clean up coach cars, passenger cars, or anything that would pay a decent days wage.

Now, I am sending out the power to take the freight across the country.

I know more about locomotives, then I would have ever dreamed.

I know all about the air brakes and the horsepower and the computer system and the electrical, then I would have ever even dreamed and three years later, how can I possibly be disappointed!

So what exactly, was I complaining about!

Oh yea,

that one position that just isn't meant for right now!

I'll be OK,

I'll be alright!

Set back for a second but not for a lifetime!

Not Sure Where I Want to Be on This One, maybe Venting or waiting or rambling

Being a working mom, sometimes it is just awesome. I get an actual paycheck, money in hand, for the work I do. Other days, man, I can be great at my job and just failing at home and you know what, now my position at work means NOTHING!!! Hate that. I wish I could separate work from home, but I can't! I try to find balance and make it all work. I maintain the best Positive Outlook on life that I can, I pray and I ask for direction from my Father and sometimes, I don't even feel like a measure up there, my Father always gives me direction and leads my path, even when He leads me to read off of my path. I know working at home moms fight this stuff too, I was there and I did it! For awhile it seemed, I could get positive out of work even if the positive wasn't at home and vice versa. Of course, that was in the beginning of being an outside the home working mom, now, everything still goes back, to how is this going to affect my home!

I have had a rough time of it lately! I have had too many trips out of town, away from my family, for work. I hear my husband complain about my shift at work, I work every shift every week and it does grow old! It makes it worse when my hubby hates it so much. Don't get me wrong, I've got it good, I can send my kids to school almost every day of the week and hubby gets them off the bus every day of the week, so we don't even need after school programs. There is still, something I miss about those dinners around the table at night with my family.

I know tomorrow will be a new day and God will lead me or I will wait to be led by Him, I know that He controls all things and Loves me and that He loves my children and husband more than I do! I know it and believe it, I live on that and have faith in all of it!

Some days are just tougher to convince my unbelief of that!

Whatever................

I love listening to my children when they are getting along. Adam and Mitchell get very very loud when they are playing together, but I still love it. Sometimes, it can be extremely annoying and those are the moments I try to remind myself, this isn't going to be like this for very long, just listen and enjoy! So I try not to yell at them or get angry, I try just to listen laugh and love. Windy doesn't really ever get loud. But she is in there playing with them.
Studying, studying and studying, some days I feel that is all I do with my children when I am with them, even the phone calls home to check on them are filled with study questions! I am so thankful I know what is going on with them, but at the same time, I just want to say YUK, no more studying.
Paid the kid early allowance this week and late allowance last week! Totally trusting they will complete their chores the rest of this week. Yesterday was such a rough day at work, I needed to be able to reward and celebrate with someone!
My bosses are not very good about introducing people, or even making an opening where I can barge in and introduce myself. If development of people is soooo important to my company, than why isn't introducing the lower people to the HIGHER people a priority? I think someone is a little mixed up here! I stressed myself out so badly at work yesterday I could hardly sleep, only to find out that what I was stressing over wasn't even an issue! This totally stinks. If my boss just would have answered my questions TRUTHFULLY I would have been able to sleep a little better!
Home from work, I checked on each one of my children, which is very normal for me, as soon as I walk in the door, I find their location and what they are doing, and how they are doing it. When I find they are all well, it puts my heart at ease.
As a Foreman, I shouldn't work this hard and my jeans shouldn't be filled with oil and grease, OR should they???

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The family went with me to where I have been working because I had to pick up my safety stuff!!!

So I can go back to the other yard! Anyway, I took advantage of the time there and showed hubby and the kids around, just a bit! I really really wanted them to get a ride on a loco but the change of shift really put a damper on things!! So I showed them around as much as I could!! Not sure but I could probably get in trouble for this stuff! When I heard my oldest say that I am sooooooo coool because I work at such a cool place, nothing else mattered!! Adam had so many questions about loco's and they way things worked, I felt proud and honored, My boy, MY BOY wanted to know about what I do!! I felt like "COOL MAMA" for a moment! Do you believe that these little faces did not want to go at all when I was trying to get them to get ready to get going! I cannot stand that, they tell you how boring it is going to be and horrible it will be! Then, you get there and you find them interested and smiling and there must have been 10,000 thank you's on the ride home! Oh, I just got another one!

My head is going to explode!

Here it is as of today:

I work alllllll of the upcoming holidays! Not til afternoons, but that leaves little time for celebration, like I enjoy with my family. This is what I get for trying to go beyond!

I was and am sooo oooo ooo thankful that I made it home last night, safe and sound. Hindsight says I really should have gotten a hotel room. 2 1/2 hours later after leaving work says I was sooo happy to be home in one piece! I haven't ever prayed with so much intensity while driving! God is GOOD!

It is winter in NW Indiana!

Why did we get rid of the snowplow on the truck? (something about plowing being hard on the truck and damaging it, whatever)

Shoveling is not so much fun, or as my Hubby would say, Not-so-much-so-good!!

I read the sweetest email tonight, it actually made me cry! It was one of those that everyone passes around! I really don't like crying at those!

That reminds me I need to order more meds! I take daily scripts to fight depression and anxiety, I know alot of us are on them and find it to be a good thing. It did take me a long time to admit it is a script I need and that it helps me just to be me. Much of the need is associated with post-traumatic-stress-disorder (everyone can relate). Because I can never know when it is going to hit hard, I am on a strict script for probably the rest of my life. Not something that has been easy to admit. One woman explained it to me as though it were a script for glasses or diabetes meds, and you know she was right, I do need these and I am now ok with saying that!

I have toooooooootally fell off the diet wagon! Exercising is great, but when I am not eating right it sure does take a toll! (The cruise added 3 pounds also).

I am not sure about work, I know I can do it, but I don't know if I will help the employees any better than the supervisor they have! I really believe they have been beat up on for a long time and hope to help rebuild morale, but I am worried that things won't go the way I want!

I sure do love waking up with my children in the morning and helping them to get the right start to their day. This is something I truly miss!

I can always here these words coming out of my mouth: I was a stay-at-home mom for 12 years!!! This is one thing I am sooooooooo proud of.

I just wish I could make my children tell me what is going on all the time! They came home with not so great progress reports and I couldn't help but ask myself: How am I failing them to make them fail? and discovered that they just needed even more strict boundaries, it is not only the parents but also the kids!

Too much rambling sorry! I do have a heavy mind and a very heavy heart! I think we all ask ourselves constantly, "am I doing the right thing?" either for myself, my marriage, my family, my friends, my life!

Gosh, am I the only one who goes through this stupid stuff!?