38 years

Today I am posting what I wanted to post yesterday!  Internet went down at home and the phone company is still in the process of repairing and I didn't have time to hit a coffee shop, like I did today!
That being said, I believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason and yesterday just wasn't the day to post!
For 38 years Windy has been my best friend and I am lucky enough to call her my sister.  Although,  she was taken from us when I was only 15 she continues to challenge me to succeed!




















For a while my success was really, just breathing!  I wanted the pain of missing her to stop and the only way I knew how was to stop breathing.....Windy stopped me!  Many of times I would hope for life to end and every time I thought it, I could hear my sister telling me "NO"!  and everyday she challenged me to get out of bed!  Always reminding me "I wouldn't want things that way"!  I can still hear her lil cartoon character voice "Christine, get out of bed and quit hiding behind me"!  Some days, I would lay in bed just a lil longer, reminding myself how much Windy enjoyed her rest and sleep!
But everyday she made me get up!  My thoughts of her and my memories compelled me to carry on, more than her loss made me want to give up.
Her go get-it attitude and her "true-to-herself" ways, forced me to head back into life, right back where her and I left off!
The hallways of high school!
When I entered the high school, I realized how much she was loved by everyone and her life HAD to be celebrated, even though it was a short life!  Her personality and her truthfulness, coupled with her great heart for people, her friendliness and her smile....needed to carry on!
But there I stood, no one to hide behind any more, no more coat tails to ride on!  I had to make my own friends and find my own way.......  insert HEART DROPPING here!
Eventually, I realized, Windy had been my "go-to" my friend maker and my confident, but she was also my teacher!  As time went on and I got out of bed each day "just because that's what Windy wanted" I was making my own way, her friends were not just her friends they were mine too and I had friends that were my friends and her friends too!  She had taught me a life lesson in our short time together! 
She continues to teach me every day, she continues to help me grow into a better person every day!  She continues to be a reason why I get up each morning!  She taught me about sweet success in our time together and that my friends is what pushes me forward and on and past.....but it isn't that alone, it isn't even a smidgen of the reason....it's relationships with people that move me.....Windy taught me how to have friendships, strong friendships!  That's what moves me past and onward
I wait for the day when I can actually hear her voice tell me she's proud of me, but I am not in a hurry!  I have alot to do and Windy keeps propelling me forward, reminding me that "I wouldn't give up, I'd keep going forward to the next success".   My friend and my sister is gone from the earth but NOT gone from my life, she is a HUGE part of who I am today......
So for 38 years she pushes me onward
I have so many friends and family to thank, throughout the years, their generosity with love has been overwhelming.....much as yesterday was......
Just when I allow myself a lil pitty party, someone steps in and tells me a great memory or that her smile made their day or that she was "just nice" to them.  I am so thankful for all of these wonderful memories and thoughts, it's really the "small stuff" that makes a difference!
and YES some days I just lay in bed and enjoy my rest, because that's what Windy would do!

Another Aha

Today, so many great things happened! I really can't get them off my mind and my heart!
First, let me remember where I thought I was!
My best friend is Larbo! I went through a spell, for the past couple of years, curious, if I relied on him too much. I really wondered if he, really got everything or even he even cared about everything that I do!
I have also been REALLY angry, over the years, that my best friend or who I thought would be my best friend for life (bff, bestie) is gone and I have never found a replacement for her! Not that a replacement is what I have been looking for, it's honestly just the fact that who I thought would be here at my side and my BFF and my Bestie isn't here and that's something I never planned for and haven't gotten used to!
I have been jealous, over the years, of sister relationships! When I say jealous, I mean, really, upset and angry jealous! I really mean that, two-year old, tantrum throwin' "it's not fair, I had that and now it's gone!!!" Wow, what a moment for me, I really admitted, some major jealousy to myself here! Sadly, I have also been blessed with a MIL with lots of sisters and a close family, sadly I have always been a bit selfish as I have watched their interaction over the years! I get soo angry with myself over it! I knew I should be enjoying the relationshiop my MIL shares with her sisters and to "some degree" I did, but never all the way! What I was missing still hurt and this was a constant reminder of what could have been and what was stolen! Yep, hard stuff! Jealousy is so hard, it's not only an emotion, it's a passionate emotion and it is a party to hatred and it is a reality, a reality I know I have to face and deal with and never to surrender to (although I have a few times)!
Today I had a chance to meet with a friend that I haven't been face-to-face with in years!!!!! Through FB we have chatted lately, but today, I got to hug her and meet her and talk, talk face-to-face! I am so blessed! It really felt as though, we were just catching up. It's amazing when you share a love between friendships and pick it back up, some 20+ years later! I am honestly in awe of the restoration of true friendships, even after years and years. My day could have stopped there and I was already "over the top"!
I looked over my friends shoulder to see, two other friends, they are sisters, and they were sharing a meal together! They were chatting and laughing and even got serious a time or two! Yes, I did stop to watch. This is what I usually do, when I find sisters enjoying one another. On one-hand I really enjoy watching the relationship of sisters and on the other hand it makes me think about what is gone. Then still, it makes me remember what I had! I am so blessed by what I had!
But today was different! I just enjoyed seeing them and seeing them spend time together! I was blessed by the fact that they were sisters and blessed by one another and also that they had embraced that relationship!
My AHA moment
I wasn't, in the least bit jealous! I wasn't angry or sad and I wasn't thinking about what I was missing! I was enjoying their time together (I guess you could say I was dropping in on their time). It wasn't until a couple of hours later that I realized what had happened today. After all the years of praying the jealousy away, and trying to work through it, without even knowing it, the jealousy was gone! I was able to simply enjoy the blessings one sister brings to another! I wasn't angry or mad or sad, just really blessed!
My meet up with my friend is a different story for a different day. Not that it was any less of a blessing. That meet up has many more words to it and many more years behind it and in front of us! I am a lucky girl, a blessed young lady (I like calling myself a young lady!!!) God is good, He really does restore all!

The Way I See It:

I have been doing alot of thinking, crying, laughing, celebrating and being a lil sad. October is always a difficult time for me. We are taught to celebrate anniversaries and by celebrating the good anniversaries, we also remember the one's that are not so good!

Yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised on my Facebook page to find so many people feeling as I did. It was validation, I am not crazy and yes it still hurts! As I was reading through the comments, posts, prayers and kind words, all I kept thinking is "how did I get through it?"

The poem Footprints.

The day my sister passed, I stopped believing in God, saying to myself "if there was a God, my God, wouldn't have done this to me!" So, easy enough, there wasn't a heaven or hell or God! Now, that I look back on that time, I am constantly reminded of that poem Footprints. But, when I picture myself being carried by the Father, I didn't believe in, I see so many people behind and on the sides of and in front of us! All these people, were the ones who carried my faith, for me during this time. They were the ones who continued to believe, pray and speak kindness and life into me! Maybe it is strange to you, but not to me. It makes perfect sense, because I still talk and hear from people that tell me they have never stopped praying for myself and my family, that's how I know. I wouldn't have ever come to the place of understanding as I have now, if it weren't for those that didn't give up, who at times were "carrying me" with their faith.

I am once again overwhelmed and the love and support God continues to send and the kindness in people, it is absolutely AMAZING!

The Flowers

The orange lilly's are what caught my eye the other day! Aren't they pretty and vibrant!

So of course I purchased them and brought them home and put them in a vase right on the mantle!!! They just say "Life" Have fun enjoy Life!! Be lively!

I know this picture is blurry, but it reminded me of a hot sun!! Oh how nice a hot sun would be!!

All reminders of my sister!

But don't be concerned, I am doing great and just fine! One rough day, once in a while, is far enough!

Some Days

Some days are tougher than others. Some days are easy!
Yesterday, I had one of those tougher than other days. I really really really missed my sister! What triggered it? Flowers in the grocery store. They weren't even Windy's favorite flower, they were Lilly's! They were orange and vibrant beautiful, full of spring! Easter was her favorite holiday and Orchids were her favorite flower! I haven't seen any orchids yet this year! I so hope for Mother's Day they are out! Anyway, I immediately began to well up with tears. I hate that, I can't control it! It just happens and it happens fast! I couldn't shop any longer, whatever I had, I had and if something was missing we would have to do without! No worries, I bought the flowers! Had to! Came home and sobbed to my friends and to my hubby!
Then I realized! You know, it really doesn't get easier, I just cope better! From time to time, I let down my guard and I don't cope as well!
Honestly, I'd rather have the tougher days than never to have known and loved her! Honestly, 20 years later it still hurts and hurts just like the day she was taken! My heart just aches for my sister!
I know that anyone who has gone through the loss of a loved one can totally relate!
This is my heart!

I cannot believe it has been 20 years.....

So it is October 13, 2007.

20 years ago I lost my sister because someone made the choice to take her life!
Yes, it still hurts, and yes I still miss her! Yes, I think about her daily. We were 13 months apart and even closer as friends and as sisters! I think we shared an awesome relationship. I am thankful for the 15 years I had with her and for her 16 years on the earth!

No, I don't think God did this to me. Yes, I think God worked things for GOOD!!!

So today I kept my family close. Took them shopping and out for lunch for Pizza!! No, the kids didn't know why they weren't allowed to go on with their friends, all they knew was mama wanted them close. My husband knew and my mom who was with us needed this closeness also! I talked with my dad today, he just kept busy, very busy! I know it hurts him and I wanted him with us today, but God had other plans for him and as long as God is keeping him close and Dad is keeping Him (God) close, my dad will be fine!!

We shopped, they bowled, we took pictures, we ate and they acted silly and even got a little serious once!! The dog even got in on it!!
I am still a mom, I am still a wife I am still a child of God I am still a sister to Windy and still a daughter to my mom and dad. I still have so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to. Life is awesome and can be sad, one thing for sure, God's love is forever and always His love is through it all!!!!!!!

One song kept popping in my head today: Don't Blink There is another one I think of often, it was the song Windy was named after by the Association (an oldy) and always brings tears of joy to my eyes!

I know life would not have ended up the same but I wish she was here to enjoy it with me. I wish I had a sister to share with I wish so many things.... I do not have to wish for the closeness of family and family and friends I think of like sisters and enjoying watching my children call people aunt and know that I absolutely feel they are my sisters and they are their aunts! God can redeem all for good.

I remember my sister's First Communion that meant so much to her, I remember watching her make her Confirmation and her friend Kelly standing in with her, the way she answered the Bishop's questions with confidence! I remember the first time, the only time, she told me she was in love!! I remember my mom teaching her how to drive and laying down in the backseat because it was a little unnerving!!

2o years and not one person can take away memories, I have them and love my memories!! Thank God for Grace and Mercy and Love!!!

Thank you to friends and family who have and continue to pray. Please pray for my mom and dad I want them to make it through the next 10 years with Grace, Mercy and Love only God can Grant!!

Pondering

I find myself pondering on the "what could have been" these days. October 13th will be the 20 year anniversary of losing my sister. So many times it doesn't phase me and so many times it does. I'll continue to explain in my next postings, since this seems to be on my mind lately.

Would I be married to Larry?

Would I have the same children?

If yes to these, would they have cousins from their Aunt Windy?

Where would she live, and would she be married?

Would she have really gone to college for Photography and where?

How many things worked to the better or worse because of this?

Many more questions I have, but most days I don't even ask, because this is what it is and it is!!

Let me explain a little more:

The day we had Windy's funeral, I can remember collapsing in my chair at the cemetery. I instantly, the day she was murdered, stopped believing there could be a God. Because I stopped believing in God or any faith the day we buried her body, I had to believe that that was the end. That was very hard to swallow, I had made my choice though (at that time)and there was nooooo Happily ever after, it was done and over. I was 15 and my sister was 16.

Since then and through plenty of prayer, mine and others (the others don't even know how much their prayer worked), I see the Happily ever after. That there are choices and that we suffer the consequences for choices our choices and other peoples choices.

I guess what I am trying to say is that God, The Holy Spirit, Jesus, The Father, The Son, are all gentlemen and they don't force faith on us. They gently guide us, if we are willing. They wait for the call of help by us and the willingness to accept the help. I honestly believe that people suffer because of the choices other people make for themselves. I also believe that God can make all things good, that every good and perfect gift comes from Him, and it is not always something good to something good, it can be that what one meant to Hurt God can turn to good. Yes, yes, yes the pain in my heart is real but I know that Windy knows how much I love her and how things would not have turned out the same, life would be different, better or worse, I don't know, just different!!